HI I'M JAMIE, ALTHOUGH I'M OFTEN REFERRED TO BY THE ARABIC NAME 'JAMIR'. I HAVE DELUSIONS OF GRANDEUR AND STRONG LINKS WITH THE MIDDLE EAST. I HAVE A LARGE KNOWLEDGE OF EXPLOSIVES AND WORK WELL IN A TEAM OR ALONE. I HOPE CONSIDER THIS WHEN YOU HIRE ME. |
08 September 2009
MY CV
19 August 2009
Teachers
I would like to talk to you about some various teachers. I was originally going to just write a sentance about the first guy, but then memories came flooding back and I couldn't stop. I hope you enjoy this.
My year 4 teacher used to tell us in P.E. that we should start slowing down before the end of the race. I didn't really like him, and I would fucking pelt it to the finish anyway just because I was smarter than him and its obvious. It was a mutual hate really, he called me and idiot and once he caught me playing with that pokédex thing someone brought in for lulz. He also said that my nudey Tombraider posters weren't 'appropriate show and tell', and neither was that wicked bird skull I found. Besides, he threw a chair at Jake Browns head and everyone knew he was crazy. He sat me on the smart table one day by accident and I won everything so he was like 'Oh, maybe I was wrong'.
It was 'pick your own word to learn how to spell and then spell it in a test' day, Me and Max picked Zulu, and a couple of other simple words beginning with Z and he told us off. We taught that motherfucker whats what by stealing a draw full of bluetack and post-it notes didn't we. And I got back my photocopy of the 2 shiny charizards he confiscated. He was the worst teacher ever, and when that year 6 guy threw a log at my head he was just like 'no harm done'.
You know, there was one teacher who got it right. Mr Marshall. He was fucking Hitler with a ballpoint pen. He looked like a proper teacher, you know? But he looked odd. I'll quote Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde when I say:
He reminded me a LOT of a male version of Mrs Olny. Only. Onley. I don't even fucking know but I used to call her Mrs Lonely because she was so mean and obviously didn't ever get any hugs. Scared the shit outta me though - Primary School, year 2 I believe. Yeah, she looked exactly the same as Marshall but with long hair and a dress. She was so fucking mean; the kind of teacher who would bring in a horse whip to teach maths or a sit a gun on the side just to let us know where we stood. I wrote a poem and used the word 'fab' to describe the ice cream. She said it wasn't a real word. My entire poem hinged around that one word and I had to do it again. It was okay, Daniel waited with me because we were bro's, I remember he was wearing that killer whale tee, it was so cool man. I wrote about it. Also in art she gave me detention then called my parents in because in a drawing of our garden, I coloured the tree's purple. They are plum trees, and naturally purple. What a hoe.
Ms. Lee was a babe. She was our reception teacher. I think for every dude in that class Ms. Lee was their first crush. Seems pretty weird now though.
I once had a nightmare that she turned into a tree.
My second crush, incidentally, was Sarah the babysitter. She lived down the street and her dad was a policeman so I TOTALLY HAD TO BACK OFF. (I was like 4 what the hell is this).
There was this teacher in my preschool who I can't remember her name. It so annoying. Mrs Handle? Mrs Crook, Mrs Steerer, Mrs Wheeler? For some reason I want to relate her to a car. Never mind, anyway I met Douglas in preschool and he was a bro of mine until he moved away in year 4 or 5 or something. We were gonna buy a flat together and live in it like awesome. BUT WE HAVEN'T TALKED IN ABOUT 10 YEARS. No matter, because he taught me that its okay to nap in class and that thats what those bean bags were for. In turn I taught him that doing a shit at school is weird. We talked in length about which was weirder - doing a shit, or talking about doing a shit. We hung out all day in this little house thing in the playground which was fun and rebellious. Oh and there was this big old pipe going through a hill, and the preschool had these tiny bikes and we used to try and ride all the way round the inside of the pipe. I don't think either of us ever did it, but imagine how cool it would have been.
Jumping forward to secondary school, Mr Sanderson was cool, he taught me business studies, but also I had to explain to the class all about Pavlov's dog because he was trying to prove I wasn't smart.
I was.
Thinking back, basically all of my teachers thought I was an idiot or retarded but then actually found out I wasn't. Totally interesting - I wasn't bullied by students, I was bullied by teachers!
Lots of Love,
Jamie
My year 4 teacher used to tell us in P.E. that we should start slowing down before the end of the race. I didn't really like him, and I would fucking pelt it to the finish anyway just because I was smarter than him and its obvious. It was a mutual hate really, he called me and idiot and once he caught me playing with that pokédex thing someone brought in for lulz. He also said that my nudey Tombraider posters weren't 'appropriate show and tell', and neither was that wicked bird skull I found. Besides, he threw a chair at Jake Browns head and everyone knew he was crazy. He sat me on the smart table one day by accident and I won everything so he was like 'Oh, maybe I was wrong'.
It was 'pick your own word to learn how to spell and then spell it in a test' day, Me and Max picked Zulu, and a couple of other simple words beginning with Z and he told us off. We taught that motherfucker whats what by stealing a draw full of bluetack and post-it notes didn't we. And I got back my photocopy of the 2 shiny charizards he confiscated. He was the worst teacher ever, and when that year 6 guy threw a log at my head he was just like 'no harm done'.
You know, there was one teacher who got it right. Mr Marshall. He was fucking Hitler with a ballpoint pen. He looked like a proper teacher, you know? But he looked odd. I'll quote Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde when I say:
"He is not easy to describe. There is something wrong with his appearance; something displeasing, something downright detestable. I never saw a man I so disliked, and yet I scarce know why. He must be deformed somewhere; he gives a strong feeling of deformity, although I couldn’t specify the point. He’s an extraordinary-looking man, and yet I really can name nothing out of the way. No, sir; I can make no hand of it; I can’t describe him."He had this presence too, like this one time when everyone was playing on the field he walked out and it went silent. Dead silent. And this big cloud went over and it was all dark. Man that was so scary I thought he was satan for a moment. And his voice was just... relentless. Never cracked a smile or showed any emotion. Not even when he won that award for being a badass. I hated him so much though. Looking back though he got it right, and I like that. But he confiscated everything. I'm not even generalising that. Pokemon cards, Yo Yo's - okay, you'd expect that. Asthma inhalers and allergy tablets? You can get sent to jail for that. Not him, the law wouldn't dare to cross him.
He reminded me a LOT of a male version of Mrs Olny. Only. Onley. I don't even fucking know but I used to call her Mrs Lonely because she was so mean and obviously didn't ever get any hugs. Scared the shit outta me though - Primary School, year 2 I believe. Yeah, she looked exactly the same as Marshall but with long hair and a dress. She was so fucking mean; the kind of teacher who would bring in a horse whip to teach maths or a sit a gun on the side just to let us know where we stood. I wrote a poem and used the word 'fab' to describe the ice cream. She said it wasn't a real word. My entire poem hinged around that one word and I had to do it again. It was okay, Daniel waited with me because we were bro's, I remember he was wearing that killer whale tee, it was so cool man. I wrote about it. Also in art she gave me detention then called my parents in because in a drawing of our garden, I coloured the tree's purple. They are plum trees, and naturally purple. What a hoe.
Ms. Lee was a babe. She was our reception teacher. I think for every dude in that class Ms. Lee was their first crush. Seems pretty weird now though.
I once had a nightmare that she turned into a tree.
My second crush, incidentally, was Sarah the babysitter. She lived down the street and her dad was a policeman so I TOTALLY HAD TO BACK OFF. (I was like 4 what the hell is this).
There was this teacher in my preschool who I can't remember her name. It so annoying. Mrs Handle? Mrs Crook, Mrs Steerer, Mrs Wheeler? For some reason I want to relate her to a car. Never mind, anyway I met Douglas in preschool and he was a bro of mine until he moved away in year 4 or 5 or something. We were gonna buy a flat together and live in it like awesome. BUT WE HAVEN'T TALKED IN ABOUT 10 YEARS. No matter, because he taught me that its okay to nap in class and that thats what those bean bags were for. In turn I taught him that doing a shit at school is weird. We talked in length about which was weirder - doing a shit, or talking about doing a shit. We hung out all day in this little house thing in the playground which was fun and rebellious. Oh and there was this big old pipe going through a hill, and the preschool had these tiny bikes and we used to try and ride all the way round the inside of the pipe. I don't think either of us ever did it, but imagine how cool it would have been.
Jumping forward to secondary school, Mr Sanderson was cool, he taught me business studies, but also I had to explain to the class all about Pavlov's dog because he was trying to prove I wasn't smart.
I was.
Thinking back, basically all of my teachers thought I was an idiot or retarded but then actually found out I wasn't. Totally interesting - I wasn't bullied by students, I was bullied by teachers!
Lots of Love,
Jamie
23 June 2009
I stay up so late just so I can experience that abense of sound.
Dear The Internet,
I'm sorry we fell out, I said some harsh things which we both know weren't true. Let's never fight again.
Love Jamie.
P.S
A lot of things are changing right now. I heard from a good friend of mine, I beleive he is a Hindu, that man goes through a major shift at a certain point on the calender, it seems like now is the time. Everyone I know is changing jobs, moving out, leaving college, starting families, starting relationships, ending relationships. Its interesting how it all happens at once. I'm not religious, but I do think there is some truth in some of the basis of religion, you know? I'm open minded, but I do have strong opinions.
I hate sounding preachy, but I feel its worth a mention that I am a very firm believer in the law of attraction. I know I know, it sounds crazy. I sound crazy. Whatever you want to think, I think it works. Hell, I know it works. Not with everything, obviously, ootherwise I would be God. No, but money and opportunity does seem to come very easily to me. That's the only thing I can seem to make work in this world, and funnily enough its the least thing I actually want, I can't seem to get rid of it. Money is a weird thing. Wanting it isn't necessarily bad, but needing it is. The only way to get money is by earning it in some way. Money won in a lottery won't bring you wealth and riches, it'll just bring you hollow money. Wishing for it won't make it come, but once you learn what it really is, it might just come a little bit easier to you. Your life is whatever you make it, and if you make it dependant on money, then you will probably have money problems, or at least perceive them as the worst thing ever.
Moving on, I decided on what I was going to pack the other day, and came to the conclusion that it would be nothing. I am packing nothing. Part of starting a new life is making sacrifices of the old one, and I guess I will. I'll take my laptop and a couple grand walking around money but otherwise I am travelling light. Handluggage only, no bags to check in and a muffin to go.
I think while I'm out there, I will dress ridiculously in my downtime. I guess it's kind of like a quarter-life crisis in a way. I'm comfortable enough just to do what I want, which is something that hasn't happened in a while. Aaron suggested I buy a new look every week, and blog about it. He said it would make it easier to not miss me if he knows I am having fun.
I think this is a marvellous idea.
I am feeling markedly more positive about it now, although I am usually like that with new things. Thank you friends for making it seem not so bad. I am sorry I have been horrible to you, I will miss you but I will not say goodbye.
I will have a lot of time on my hands while I am there, I may need a hobby or two. I will try and write this novel and draw it as well. Just for fun really. I may have to take my camera (video and stills) and use them for work purposes, but I will have fun. I enjoy doing these things, but I want something else too. I'm not really sure. Something fairly free, enjoyable, and with a lot of scope. Might just start playing videogames, watch more movies or listen to music, get some taste and culture.
Well here begins my fashion blog, I will do the real thing on my shiny shiny Tumblr, but here goes!
As soon as I'm getting out there, I am going to buy a watch, a nice watch. An interesting one. And the second I get a postcode, I'm ordering one or two silly hats, and maybe head down to the tailors to get some clothes made or something. Also I would need some shoes, and some smart casual workclothes. Something which says "I'm ready to work, but I'm laid back about the whole ordeal." A novelty piano tie perhaps. Or a t-shirt which a tuxedo design on it. Out of work I'm definitely going to look like I'm from japan and/or gay, but I can live with that. Its the price you pay for looking ridiculous.
I don't have plans to go out, but I do have big plans to do as little work as possible, and spend the entire time just chilling out. The drinking age is 21 out there, and you need a license to drink at home, so I guess party life is off the table. That's a bit of a relief if I'm honest, I know people out there who will destroy my liver before I'm even out of the airport. I won't be far from the beach, and the views from various buildings will be incredible, the culture is so rich out there. I will make the most of it, shake a lot of hands, meet a lot of people, learn the language, eat the meals, see the sights and just live.
I hope you enjoyed this blog.
I'm sorry we fell out, I said some harsh things which we both know weren't true. Let's never fight again.
Love Jamie.
P.S
A lot of things are changing right now. I heard from a good friend of mine, I beleive he is a Hindu, that man goes through a major shift at a certain point on the calender, it seems like now is the time. Everyone I know is changing jobs, moving out, leaving college, starting families, starting relationships, ending relationships. Its interesting how it all happens at once. I'm not religious, but I do think there is some truth in some of the basis of religion, you know? I'm open minded, but I do have strong opinions.
I hate sounding preachy, but I feel its worth a mention that I am a very firm believer in the law of attraction. I know I know, it sounds crazy. I sound crazy. Whatever you want to think, I think it works. Hell, I know it works. Not with everything, obviously, ootherwise I would be God. No, but money and opportunity does seem to come very easily to me. That's the only thing I can seem to make work in this world, and funnily enough its the least thing I actually want, I can't seem to get rid of it. Money is a weird thing. Wanting it isn't necessarily bad, but needing it is. The only way to get money is by earning it in some way. Money won in a lottery won't bring you wealth and riches, it'll just bring you hollow money. Wishing for it won't make it come, but once you learn what it really is, it might just come a little bit easier to you. Your life is whatever you make it, and if you make it dependant on money, then you will probably have money problems, or at least perceive them as the worst thing ever.
Moving on, I decided on what I was going to pack the other day, and came to the conclusion that it would be nothing. I am packing nothing. Part of starting a new life is making sacrifices of the old one, and I guess I will. I'll take my laptop and a couple grand walking around money but otherwise I am travelling light. Handluggage only, no bags to check in and a muffin to go.
I think while I'm out there, I will dress ridiculously in my downtime. I guess it's kind of like a quarter-life crisis in a way. I'm comfortable enough just to do what I want, which is something that hasn't happened in a while. Aaron suggested I buy a new look every week, and blog about it. He said it would make it easier to not miss me if he knows I am having fun.
I think this is a marvellous idea.
I am feeling markedly more positive about it now, although I am usually like that with new things. Thank you friends for making it seem not so bad. I am sorry I have been horrible to you, I will miss you but I will not say goodbye.
I will have a lot of time on my hands while I am there, I may need a hobby or two. I will try and write this novel and draw it as well. Just for fun really. I may have to take my camera (video and stills) and use them for work purposes, but I will have fun. I enjoy doing these things, but I want something else too. I'm not really sure. Something fairly free, enjoyable, and with a lot of scope. Might just start playing videogames, watch more movies or listen to music, get some taste and culture.
Well here begins my fashion blog, I will do the real thing on my shiny shiny Tumblr, but here goes!
As soon as I'm getting out there, I am going to buy a watch, a nice watch. An interesting one. And the second I get a postcode, I'm ordering one or two silly hats, and maybe head down to the tailors to get some clothes made or something. Also I would need some shoes, and some smart casual workclothes. Something which says "I'm ready to work, but I'm laid back about the whole ordeal." A novelty piano tie perhaps. Or a t-shirt which a tuxedo design on it. Out of work I'm definitely going to look like I'm from japan and/or gay, but I can live with that. Its the price you pay for looking ridiculous.
I don't have plans to go out, but I do have big plans to do as little work as possible, and spend the entire time just chilling out. The drinking age is 21 out there, and you need a license to drink at home, so I guess party life is off the table. That's a bit of a relief if I'm honest, I know people out there who will destroy my liver before I'm even out of the airport. I won't be far from the beach, and the views from various buildings will be incredible, the culture is so rich out there. I will make the most of it, shake a lot of hands, meet a lot of people, learn the language, eat the meals, see the sights and just live.
I hope you enjoyed this blog.
17 June 2009
it makes me sick how inactive blogger is now
Yeah I know I said I'd retired from this old sack, but I'm back. Fucking moan about it some more jesus, lets just get this over and done with, neither of us want to be here now do we.
I am such a cunt. I know I usually come on here, have a go at myself, moan about shit, talk about philosophy and all that cunting business, but its true. I am a cunt. I hate myself for it, but no one gets hurt, so it is a very tame addiction I'll give you that. Anyway, it is horrible. Unless something can stop me, I'm going so far away for so long. I'm not even sure if I want to go. Its perfect, yeah. Make a shitload of money, get a house, job, car, and go out drinking every night. Maybe its not the version of perfect that I wanted, but its there for me. I guess I see my life differently to other peoples, I don't know why but it just seems that things like that don't matter too much. I could quite happily live my life out in a flat in milton keynes on minimum wage, as long as I was happy. I think the real thing is just never to mistake being rich for having riches. No one should let money control their life. Money is easy to come by, but other stuff isn't.
If I do go, I'd be set for life, instantly. As soon as I get there probably, I'll be put in my own house, and get straight to fucking OWNING this already set-up company. It really is amazing, just goes to prove that its all based on luck and saying the right things, who you know, not what you know. Truth be told, its nice just to be trusted for once. I'm still not sure if I want it though.
There is nothing for me here in england. I'm not even sorry when I say that. You're all the biggest bunch of letdowns I've met. It doesn't mean I won't miss you more than i miss my family, but it does mean that I wish there was something to miss.
At least there I can start again, make a better first impression, begin my life.
I have no idea what to feel. But I do know that I will miss bacon more than I'll miss this place. I will never look back. I'd like to say you should make the most of me while I'm here, but it'd be pointless. Neither of us want that. I'll just go without saying goodbye and never come back.
And I'm not even sorry.
I am such a cunt. I know I usually come on here, have a go at myself, moan about shit, talk about philosophy and all that cunting business, but its true. I am a cunt. I hate myself for it, but no one gets hurt, so it is a very tame addiction I'll give you that. Anyway, it is horrible. Unless something can stop me, I'm going so far away for so long. I'm not even sure if I want to go. Its perfect, yeah. Make a shitload of money, get a house, job, car, and go out drinking every night. Maybe its not the version of perfect that I wanted, but its there for me. I guess I see my life differently to other peoples, I don't know why but it just seems that things like that don't matter too much. I could quite happily live my life out in a flat in milton keynes on minimum wage, as long as I was happy. I think the real thing is just never to mistake being rich for having riches. No one should let money control their life. Money is easy to come by, but other stuff isn't.
If I do go, I'd be set for life, instantly. As soon as I get there probably, I'll be put in my own house, and get straight to fucking OWNING this already set-up company. It really is amazing, just goes to prove that its all based on luck and saying the right things, who you know, not what you know. Truth be told, its nice just to be trusted for once. I'm still not sure if I want it though.
There is nothing for me here in england. I'm not even sorry when I say that. You're all the biggest bunch of letdowns I've met. It doesn't mean I won't miss you more than i miss my family, but it does mean that I wish there was something to miss.
At least there I can start again, make a better first impression, begin my life.
I have no idea what to feel. But I do know that I will miss bacon more than I'll miss this place. I will never look back. I'd like to say you should make the most of me while I'm here, but it'd be pointless. Neither of us want that. I'll just go without saying goodbye and never come back.
And I'm not even sorry.
28 May 2009
false alarm before. but THIS is my final blog
I am not going to be friends with any of you any more, but if I sort myself out in a few years, we should totally hang.
Its not you, its me.
Its not you, its me.
delicious. might stick the original transformers on. THEN WATCH THE REMAKE WHO KNOWS WHERE THE NIGHT WILL TAKE ME.
I've been trying to write a blog for days. But I don't know what that blog will contain exactly, all I know is that it will be magical. This is not that blog. But I really need to just write. I have a feeling that no one actually reads my blog though, so it seems pointless.
I think its a given that this will be a whiny blog, and after this I dunno if I will blog ever again, its a complete waste.
I can't complain, my life is pretty shibby you know? Apart from like 1 thing, which has completely destroyed me, but its all fine though isn't it? Can't let 1 thing ruin my life, right? I guess its human nature to just blame things on someone or something, so thats not what i'm going to do, because being human is silly. I do blame myself. But I know that is ridiculous. So I do not. Although I am a firm believer that we have a hella lot more power over our lives than we think, so deep down I do blame myself, for so many things.
Yeah hi, I have no self-esteem, I thought we met!
So today was alright! Filmed possibly the last thing we're ever going to film. Ever?! I couldn't stop thinking though, I was just worried more than anything. So very worried about the future. I don't necessarily want to talk about it and I just want to be alone, so thats what I am going to do. If you want to talk to me, I'll be appearing offline pretty much constantly. Or will I? Whatever, if you're not reading this right now, then you don't deserve to know, and you won't. And we will never ever speak again. Unless you're max - you're cool max and I know you don't read this blog but I think one day we should just elope you know? Man, being gay is an option isn't it. Wait no thats even worse. God damn shit is hard, you know what'd be cool? Ahh you probably already fucking know!
That last part was directed at all of you! All both of you readers!
Sometimes I think about how it'd be nice to have not lost contact with people who live down the street. I'm not even sure any more. I just prefer to be alone. All the time. Sorry.
At least the doctors were slightly wrong though, and I won. Yay me! Still, I need to either be my own psychologist, or go to one. But I don't like professionals. Or doctors. Or people. Or going outside. Or talking to people. Or sitting in chairs. Plus that shit is expensive, on top of everything else man. I can't, its not fair on anyone.
I just realised this has turned into less of an address to readers, and more of a peer into the mind of me, (cept you're wearing a blindfold). Are all my blogs like that? Yes probably. I don't think, I just type. I'm like that in real life sometimes too - I often just start a sentance with no idea where it will go. The favourites are 'I think...' *whatever pops into my head*, and 'I..' *whatever pops into my head*.
Fantastic. Last blog ever. I did not have fun. Time to be even more of a recluse. If anyone wants me I'll be in the fetal position!
BUT HEY AT LEAST I'M NOT DEAD GUYS WOO!
I think its a given that this will be a whiny blog, and after this I dunno if I will blog ever again, its a complete waste.
I can't complain, my life is pretty shibby you know? Apart from like 1 thing, which has completely destroyed me, but its all fine though isn't it? Can't let 1 thing ruin my life, right? I guess its human nature to just blame things on someone or something, so thats not what i'm going to do, because being human is silly. I do blame myself. But I know that is ridiculous. So I do not. Although I am a firm believer that we have a hella lot more power over our lives than we think, so deep down I do blame myself, for so many things.
Yeah hi, I have no self-esteem, I thought we met!
So today was alright! Filmed possibly the last thing we're ever going to film. Ever?! I couldn't stop thinking though, I was just worried more than anything. So very worried about the future. I don't necessarily want to talk about it and I just want to be alone, so thats what I am going to do. If you want to talk to me, I'll be appearing offline pretty much constantly. Or will I? Whatever, if you're not reading this right now, then you don't deserve to know, and you won't. And we will never ever speak again. Unless you're max - you're cool max and I know you don't read this blog but I think one day we should just elope you know? Man, being gay is an option isn't it. Wait no thats even worse. God damn shit is hard, you know what'd be cool? Ahh you probably already fucking know!
That last part was directed at all of you! All both of you readers!
Sometimes I think about how it'd be nice to have not lost contact with people who live down the street. I'm not even sure any more. I just prefer to be alone. All the time. Sorry.
At least the doctors were slightly wrong though, and I won. Yay me! Still, I need to either be my own psychologist, or go to one. But I don't like professionals. Or doctors. Or people. Or going outside. Or talking to people. Or sitting in chairs. Plus that shit is expensive, on top of everything else man. I can't, its not fair on anyone.
I just realised this has turned into less of an address to readers, and more of a peer into the mind of me, (cept you're wearing a blindfold). Are all my blogs like that? Yes probably. I don't think, I just type. I'm like that in real life sometimes too - I often just start a sentance with no idea where it will go. The favourites are 'I think...' *whatever pops into my head*, and 'I..' *whatever pops into my head*.
Fantastic. Last blog ever. I did not have fun. Time to be even more of a recluse. If anyone wants me I'll be in the fetal position!
BUT HEY AT LEAST I'M NOT DEAD GUYS WOO!
20 May 2009
Read this if you want to know more about me
I want to write a massive blog, I do, I do.
Maybe I'll do a bullet point thing like I did that time, but maybe throw in some lovely things about me.
Monday was awesome. As Aaron said, It was one of those days where you do nothing but feel so good about it. Tuesday, I wasn't sure was so great. There was nothing wrong with it really, I just didn't feel as positive as I did the day before. Nothing was different, I didn't lose or gain anything, but I did feel slighty demoralised. Weird how life is so dependant on little choices and feelings.
I do like take aways though. I think its something about the tiny community of it. It brings people together, its kind of symbolic in a way.
Hostility from me is either acceptance as a friend, or I think we're becoming friends and it scares me, because I know theres a possiblity I could let you down.
As some people found out today, I am a fan of ice hockey, and used to play it. Why today? Well this thursday I will be watching NHL on 5. It will either ruin friday, or make it completely awesome.
Which reminds me that I am doing something on friday for a bit. I'm going to cornwall to see some family, and theres like... a wedding? God I should know this. Wedding anniversary? Yeah I think thats it.
Its pretty late, I'm gonna save this and do more tomorrow. Goodnight!
Good morning! I slept for ages, woke up at about 3 and I was still tired. Dunno why, I did stay up to watch Nuggets v Lakers in the playoffs but not really much later than normal. *shrugs*
I keep phasing out a bit, wondering about stuff. It'll blow over and I'll be irrationally happy again in no time. Its just how people work.
Its kind of weird really, I wait all this time for my dream job to come along, and suddenly I've got another dream, and I don't feel as fulfilled as I should. Oh dear!
I'm not entirely sure what my favourite food is. But if I eat something delicious I will usually tell you about it.
I have a few scars. I heard scars are meant to be the badges of bravery, but I tend to see mine as the opposite. I still love em though, heres a list of them. I have a bunch of scars on my legs, all (apart from one) from when I've been drunk, no idea how I got them, but I imagine it wasn't graceful or awesome. A couple of them I'm proud of though, because of the reasons I got them, so thats nice. One of them is from when I was a kid and I fell over a wall being stupid. Theres a nice old dent in there. I have one scar from surgery when I was a kid. Being an idiot again haha, tried (and succeeded) to lift an entire sofa.
Went to hospital the week after for hernia surgery *chuckle*. One nice one under my armpit, again from when I was a kid. One on my middle finger - god knows how I got it, just happened, and bled a lot!
I have 3 things on the wall in front of me - a batman poster I got from Prague, the itinerary from when me Dave and Aaron roadtripped to Staffordshire, and an original 150 Pokémon poster.
Everything I have, I keep for a reason. To remind me of who I was, or where I've been, or what I've done. Its the reason I wear the same shoes every day, its not because I'm poor, its because I don't necessarily think theres any situation new enough to deserve a new pair. I usually buy a new pair of shoes when I feel like I need some. But I often only wear them once or a few times before realising it was just a false alarm.
These points should be more bullet-pointy.
I should also be getting on with work.
When I was a kid, I used to wake up before anyone else to watch the Men in Black cartoon.
I stopped watching the simpsons when I thought I should become more mature, but I realised what a mistake that was after I watched it the other night and I laughed even more than when I was a kid. Its genius.
Sometimes I wish I had the attention span to build a treehouse as a kid. Not so I could use it then, but so I could use it now.
I never wear sunglasses because I'm too concious about damaging my eyes. Although I'll happily spend hours 17cm away from a tv or computer screen every day.
For some reason I know a bit about psychology. Although apparently this doesn't apply in the real world, other than to pick up girls at parties.
I sometimes meditate. Not as a religious thing, just as a wellbeing thing.
Although I treat my body so badly, I'm pretty ridiculously healthy.
I only took an interest in art 2 years ago.
I only took an interest in film 2 months ago.
I love my friends, but sometimes wish we were closer.
I blame myself for drifting apart from my old friends.
I lost and miss all the necklaces I used to have. Especially the one a girl bought me.
I love to walk, get lost, have an adventure.
I don't want college to end, in case its a repeat of school.
No matter how many times they overplay it on ITV2, I will always love Back to the Future.
I usually do things the hard way, just because its more rewarding.
I'm half irish, although I never mention that to girls I like any more in fear that it will culminate in an embarrassingly bad irish accent which puts them off me entirely.
Ever since I was like 5, I've never been able to eat custard, because the first time I did was at school, and it tasted a lot like washing-up liquid.
I don't like it when people use the word the word 'poorly' instead of ill or sick.
I used to get my mum to say 'school' in Gaelic when it was the first day back, because I hated going back after the holidays and hated being reminded.
There was this teacher in reception that all the guys fancied. Upon later inspection of school photographs, she was an uggo.
Sometimes I type in random words or names and put .blogspot.com, and then read through their blogs. I recently did this, and my reaction to this blog made me sure I was going straight to hell.
To tell you the truth, I've never really been that into music.
I once was dragged into plans to blow up the school using a giant mechano dinosaur. I said it was unrealistic and suggested lego as an alternative.
I was told off and my parents were called in because in a portrait of our gardens, I coloured the trees purple. They were plum trees and I was right. In your face missus fatty.
All the smart students in infants school became complete chavs in junior school.
I took guitar lessons for years, even though I knew I wasn't learning anything. I just liked the teacher, and thought it'd help me pick up chicks.
It didn't.
My proudest achievement is still serving a shepards pie to a vegan.
I was once fairly good at swimming.
I didn't learn to ride my bike till I was quite old. I mean not ridiculously old but like, after everyone else anyway.
Sometimes I feel like people are forcing me into goals I don't want.
Sometimes I just want to be left to it.
When I was a kid, I watched every episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer every thursday BBC2 at 6:20 without fail.
Not only did I think Sarah Michelle Gellar was hawt, but she also developed my love of aggressive or competitive girls.
Another show which has made this so is Dark Angel. I'm unsure as to whether this attraction is healthy, but its there none-the-less.
Even though we were too young to drink, my friend Max and I collected bottlecaps, because we both felt like we missed out on having collections like everyone else.
I'm fairly well-travelled.
I actually hate the home-alone movies.
I've only ever bought a few dvd's, almost my entire collection is illegal copies. I don't see the point seeing as they're such good quality.
I'm not sure I've ever bought a physical music album in my entire life.
I'm not really sure what else to say. I guess I'll continue some other time, or like, just ask or whatever.
luv jamie x
Maybe I'll do a bullet point thing like I did that time, but maybe throw in some lovely things about me.
Monday was awesome. As Aaron said, It was one of those days where you do nothing but feel so good about it. Tuesday, I wasn't sure was so great. There was nothing wrong with it really, I just didn't feel as positive as I did the day before. Nothing was different, I didn't lose or gain anything, but I did feel slighty demoralised. Weird how life is so dependant on little choices and feelings.
I do like take aways though. I think its something about the tiny community of it. It brings people together, its kind of symbolic in a way.
Hostility from me is either acceptance as a friend, or I think we're becoming friends and it scares me, because I know theres a possiblity I could let you down.
As some people found out today, I am a fan of ice hockey, and used to play it. Why today? Well this thursday I will be watching NHL on 5. It will either ruin friday, or make it completely awesome.
Which reminds me that I am doing something on friday for a bit. I'm going to cornwall to see some family, and theres like... a wedding? God I should know this. Wedding anniversary? Yeah I think thats it.
Its pretty late, I'm gonna save this and do more tomorrow. Goodnight!
Good morning! I slept for ages, woke up at about 3 and I was still tired. Dunno why, I did stay up to watch Nuggets v Lakers in the playoffs but not really much later than normal. *shrugs*
I keep phasing out a bit, wondering about stuff. It'll blow over and I'll be irrationally happy again in no time. Its just how people work.
Its kind of weird really, I wait all this time for my dream job to come along, and suddenly I've got another dream, and I don't feel as fulfilled as I should. Oh dear!
I'm not entirely sure what my favourite food is. But if I eat something delicious I will usually tell you about it.
I have a few scars. I heard scars are meant to be the badges of bravery, but I tend to see mine as the opposite. I still love em though, heres a list of them. I have a bunch of scars on my legs, all (apart from one) from when I've been drunk, no idea how I got them, but I imagine it wasn't graceful or awesome. A couple of them I'm proud of though, because of the reasons I got them, so thats nice. One of them is from when I was a kid and I fell over a wall being stupid. Theres a nice old dent in there. I have one scar from surgery when I was a kid. Being an idiot again haha, tried (and succeeded) to lift an entire sofa.
Went to hospital the week after for hernia surgery *chuckle*. One nice one under my armpit, again from when I was a kid. One on my middle finger - god knows how I got it, just happened, and bled a lot!
I have 3 things on the wall in front of me - a batman poster I got from Prague, the itinerary from when me Dave and Aaron roadtripped to Staffordshire, and an original 150 Pokémon poster.
Everything I have, I keep for a reason. To remind me of who I was, or where I've been, or what I've done. Its the reason I wear the same shoes every day, its not because I'm poor, its because I don't necessarily think theres any situation new enough to deserve a new pair. I usually buy a new pair of shoes when I feel like I need some. But I often only wear them once or a few times before realising it was just a false alarm.
These points should be more bullet-pointy.
I should also be getting on with work.
When I was a kid, I used to wake up before anyone else to watch the Men in Black cartoon.
I stopped watching the simpsons when I thought I should become more mature, but I realised what a mistake that was after I watched it the other night and I laughed even more than when I was a kid. Its genius.
Sometimes I wish I had the attention span to build a treehouse as a kid. Not so I could use it then, but so I could use it now.
I never wear sunglasses because I'm too concious about damaging my eyes. Although I'll happily spend hours 17cm away from a tv or computer screen every day.
For some reason I know a bit about psychology. Although apparently this doesn't apply in the real world, other than to pick up girls at parties.
I sometimes meditate. Not as a religious thing, just as a wellbeing thing.
Although I treat my body so badly, I'm pretty ridiculously healthy.
I only took an interest in art 2 years ago.
I only took an interest in film 2 months ago.
I love my friends, but sometimes wish we were closer.
I blame myself for drifting apart from my old friends.
I lost and miss all the necklaces I used to have. Especially the one a girl bought me.
I love to walk, get lost, have an adventure.
I don't want college to end, in case its a repeat of school.
No matter how many times they overplay it on ITV2, I will always love Back to the Future.
I usually do things the hard way, just because its more rewarding.
I'm half irish, although I never mention that to girls I like any more in fear that it will culminate in an embarrassingly bad irish accent which puts them off me entirely.
Ever since I was like 5, I've never been able to eat custard, because the first time I did was at school, and it tasted a lot like washing-up liquid.
I don't like it when people use the word the word 'poorly' instead of ill or sick.
I used to get my mum to say 'school' in Gaelic when it was the first day back, because I hated going back after the holidays and hated being reminded.
There was this teacher in reception that all the guys fancied. Upon later inspection of school photographs, she was an uggo.
Sometimes I type in random words or names and put .blogspot.com, and then read through their blogs. I recently did this, and my reaction to this blog made me sure I was going straight to hell.
To tell you the truth, I've never really been that into music.
I once was dragged into plans to blow up the school using a giant mechano dinosaur. I said it was unrealistic and suggested lego as an alternative.
I was told off and my parents were called in because in a portrait of our gardens, I coloured the trees purple. They were plum trees and I was right. In your face missus fatty.
All the smart students in infants school became complete chavs in junior school.
I took guitar lessons for years, even though I knew I wasn't learning anything. I just liked the teacher, and thought it'd help me pick up chicks.
It didn't.
My proudest achievement is still serving a shepards pie to a vegan.
I was once fairly good at swimming.
I didn't learn to ride my bike till I was quite old. I mean not ridiculously old but like, after everyone else anyway.
Sometimes I feel like people are forcing me into goals I don't want.
Sometimes I just want to be left to it.
When I was a kid, I watched every episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer every thursday BBC2 at 6:20 without fail.
Not only did I think Sarah Michelle Gellar was hawt, but she also developed my love of aggressive or competitive girls.
Another show which has made this so is Dark Angel. I'm unsure as to whether this attraction is healthy, but its there none-the-less.
Even though we were too young to drink, my friend Max and I collected bottlecaps, because we both felt like we missed out on having collections like everyone else.
I'm fairly well-travelled.
I actually hate the home-alone movies.
I've only ever bought a few dvd's, almost my entire collection is illegal copies. I don't see the point seeing as they're such good quality.
I'm not sure I've ever bought a physical music album in my entire life.
I'm not really sure what else to say. I guess I'll continue some other time, or like, just ask or whatever.
luv jamie x
17 May 2009
LOOK! LOOK! COME SEE HOW GOOD I AM!
I feel a bit smug. Since friday I have felt this smuggness. Is smuggness a word? Oh well, if its an emotion, then I've felt it.
I'm finally doing what I've wanted to do for a couple of months now. Weird really, but every time I want something, it nearly always just happens. Specially with jobs and hobbies. There are not many times I get to be smug, so as you can imagine I'm taking full advantage of this!
Its been a goal of mine to be an editor for some comic projects ever since I was casually 'employed' into this company which is actually looking like its going somewhere. Luckily I was there from the beginning and kissed a lot of ass, helped a brother out, so as a reward the guy gave me quite a high place in the company. I didn't think much of it at the time, and still don't really. I mean its nothing really, but might amount to something, even if only some good contacts in the industry.
Aaahhenyway, I thought I'd see what I could do with my new job as 'project manager' for the art section (the company is basically just made up of different creative sections, art, film, music, everything) just as a 'I'm pretty bored, so lets see what happens with this' on a friday night in. The people who got back to me were incredible. Concidering I'm not even paying them, I mean jesus. Here's an idea of some of the artists:
And the writers are amazing too, almost all of them had stuff they wanted to use, so the projects can start basically straight away. Pretty exciting I guess.
I hope it doesn't look like I'm showing off! Its so stressful though, these past few days have been nothing but work and emails. I could really do with a hand, or just some guidance that I'm doing the right thing, or even just some comforting words!
Oh and if anyone wants to work with me then please do. I may need writers and maybe media people so WHO KNOWS.
love from jamie x
I'm finally doing what I've wanted to do for a couple of months now. Weird really, but every time I want something, it nearly always just happens. Specially with jobs and hobbies. There are not many times I get to be smug, so as you can imagine I'm taking full advantage of this!
Its been a goal of mine to be an editor for some comic projects ever since I was casually 'employed' into this company which is actually looking like its going somewhere. Luckily I was there from the beginning and kissed a lot of ass, helped a brother out, so as a reward the guy gave me quite a high place in the company. I didn't think much of it at the time, and still don't really. I mean its nothing really, but might amount to something, even if only some good contacts in the industry.
Aaahhenyway, I thought I'd see what I could do with my new job as 'project manager' for the art section (the company is basically just made up of different creative sections, art, film, music, everything) just as a 'I'm pretty bored, so lets see what happens with this' on a friday night in. The people who got back to me were incredible. Concidering I'm not even paying them, I mean jesus. Here's an idea of some of the artists:
And the writers are amazing too, almost all of them had stuff they wanted to use, so the projects can start basically straight away. Pretty exciting I guess.
I hope it doesn't look like I'm showing off! Its so stressful though, these past few days have been nothing but work and emails. I could really do with a hand, or just some guidance that I'm doing the right thing, or even just some comforting words!
Oh and if anyone wants to work with me then please do. I may need writers and maybe media people so WHO KNOWS.
love from jamie x
14 May 2009
FMP plans
Okay, so I need to buckle down with my fmp, seriously now. So for my own purposes only, and anyone who's interested I guess, here is my plan.
week 1 (tomorrow)
Rough cut
week 2
Sound and shit
week 3
proper cut, export.
week 4
animation
Nows the part when you say we only have 3 weeks left of college haha. Oh god I hope thats not the case!!
Anyway whatever, sorry for this pointless blog.
Jamie out
week 1 (tomorrow)
Rough cut
week 2
Sound and shit
week 3
proper cut, export.
week 4
animation
Nows the part when you say we only have 3 weeks left of college haha. Oh god I hope thats not the case!!
Anyway whatever, sorry for this pointless blog.
Jamie out
12 May 2009
6 feet under the stars
I really want to blog. Something beautiful. But I'm not too great with being a fag, you know? So I guess I'll blog what I blog best - pointless shit!
I want to do something. Go somewhere. Speak to someone. I dunno, I really wanna lay under the stars. Maybe drink a few beers. Talk, not a lot though, just a little bit. Sometimes silence is better than words. I might start going for nightwalks. I mean, it'd be nice if people lived close enough so that I could be spontaneous, but I guess I'll have to walk alone. Sad that people are gonna move so many more miles away so soon. I'm not really that sad, but I'm kind of upset at the thought that I meeting some of my closest friends will be something to look forward to, not just business as usual.
Maybe I will bleach my hair again, although maybe that would look terrible.
My life is full of maybe's. Well you know what? It ends here. Definatly. I have no idea how I can back that up, but there. I will do something, something daring. I'm just not sure what that thing is yet.
I am quite lost on what to blog about, I kinda said everything worrying me in my last blog, so I'm afraid its back to my old pointless blogs that I write just for the fun of writing blogs.
Crumbs in the bed is horrible.
Well, hope you didn't entirely hate this blog. Not exactly as meaningful as the last one but never mind!
I need a new sign-off phrase, how about:
keep it nerdy..?
that was terrible, maybe I'll work on that...
Jay
I want to do something. Go somewhere. Speak to someone. I dunno, I really wanna lay under the stars. Maybe drink a few beers. Talk, not a lot though, just a little bit. Sometimes silence is better than words. I might start going for nightwalks. I mean, it'd be nice if people lived close enough so that I could be spontaneous, but I guess I'll have to walk alone. Sad that people are gonna move so many more miles away so soon. I'm not really that sad, but I'm kind of upset at the thought that I meeting some of my closest friends will be something to look forward to, not just business as usual.
Maybe I will bleach my hair again, although maybe that would look terrible.
My life is full of maybe's. Well you know what? It ends here. Definatly. I have no idea how I can back that up, but there. I will do something, something daring. I'm just not sure what that thing is yet.
I am quite lost on what to blog about, I kinda said everything worrying me in my last blog, so I'm afraid its back to my old pointless blogs that I write just for the fun of writing blogs.
Crumbs in the bed is horrible.
Well, hope you didn't entirely hate this blog. Not exactly as meaningful as the last one but never mind!
I need a new sign-off phrase, how about:
keep it nerdy..?
that was terrible, maybe I'll work on that...
Jay
07 May 2009
jamie
Dear Jamie-lovers,
I really want to write a blog, but lately, words... they just don't seem to express the emotion enough. But still, this is the only place in the world I can write the things I want, without interruption or influence, I don't have to say anything, but I can. This is pure psychological fluid blogging, and it makes me happy even if no one gets anything from it, or even reads it.
So here we go, I'm going to say what I want, and no one can stop me, no one can delete it or try to pretend its not happening, or change the subject or anything. Hell, no one can even judge me because I'm just saying stuff you should know already.
So I'm not really sure how to do this. I could do like a brief history of my life. I could just write reems and reems of emo shit. Or I could just fucking introduce this blog a little more, jesus how much am I writing to avoid actually writing this?
The answer is a lot!
I suppose its just human nature, people ignor the truth sometimes, pretend its alright and stuff, watch movies as a refuge from reality. I'd like to think that most of the time I lead an optimistic life, if I actually think about it, nothing in my life is perfect, some things are the opposite in fact, but still 360 days out of the year, I see nothing but the positives, and negatives that need to be fixed. At the moment its one of the 5.25 days in which I feel a little bit hopeless. Not depressed or sad even, but just... my mind feels so blank on what it should be feeling. Its felt everything it can, and now it just wants to wait.
I like to change my mind a lot. Well maybe thats not the best phrase for it, I like to let my mind evolve. I add, take away and edit my morals and philosophies, which I personally think is much healthier than living by set morals, like religion for example. The evolution of mind comes with thinking too much, which is something I know all too well. I used to be a bit of an insomniac, thinking all night about today yesterday and tomorrow, planning out what I will say to who, what I should have said and what that would have lead to. Now I've just kind of given up, I let life get on with it, and usually I don't even know what I'm saying, I just say it and wait for the outcome.
I was going to mention something earlier, but I dunno if I did, so here it is: It kind of worries me though, if I'm that optimistic, is that bad? Is it like bottling everything up, ignoring stuff? Oh well, I think I'm a lot more normal than I should be thats for shizzle, and I don't think its necessarily a good thing. I need to let the crazy out a little, and its getting increasingly more difficult to do that. The people I used to open up with have drifted apart, and the new people who I concider friends don't know me well enough for me to open up to. Its difficult, where do I go? Who do I talk to? Am I even meant to talk about it? No one else does! Everyone else just hides it away. Christ, I'd fucking love it if someone was as fucked up as me, I know that everyone is, its just... sometimes the truth is too hard. But look at me eh? Annoying people on the internet and everything, truely this is a breakthrough for the human race? I just wish I was close enough to someone to know their problems. Maybe then I would feel a little more normal. A little more like I belonged somewhere, as someone.
I know I'm not the best person in the world, I'm bad at sports, I don't have a very exciting life or a particularly good or interesting taste in music or fashions, I'm pretty basic when it comes to conversation, I often recite the same worn catchphrases and words as a way of escaping conversation because the truth is, no matter what I say, no matter how much my instinct tells me I'm wrong, I don't want friends.
I can't bare to let anyone down, and if people liked me then thats bound to happen. I try my best to be a good friend, I help out people when I can, I can be there just to listen, talk, sometimes I even cheer people up, sometimes I even make them laugh, but some things are out of my hands, and what if one of those things happen, people would be sad - and thats what scares me about having friends.
I know it seems like a stupid way to live, but its the least selfish, even if it doesn't seem like it at the time. Sometimes I'm purposefully a bit horrible just to make someone doubt me as a friend.
I don't know why I'm opening up so much, wait thats a lie.
I'm opening up because of my problems.
Which I will divulge, maybe it'll rub off on someone, who knows.
I feel like I've lived beyond the point of regret and grudges and keeping it all secret. It just seems kind of pointless, I feel more peaceful. Its like that time my friend told me about religion, then apologised because he thought he was trying to rope me in. I said it was fine because I genuinely think that its better to know all the options, so you can choose whats best. Anyway where was I... Yeah well I was probably about to lead onto the real beef. Maybe in a slightly more graceful way, but its all good.
I mentioned it at some point - the last time I cried. It was like, ages ago. Man it really was. I was about 13 or something. It was one of those reasons thats more than a usual bit of crying. It was one of those reasons where you don't know what the hell to think at the time, then you just kind of float around until it hits you. Not for any of the classic reasons though I suppose, I mean not that my problems don't involve all of those - family, friends, relationships, money, all that. But its a little darker I'm afraid. I guess its relative though, so I won't pretend I've got it worst off or anything, cuz lord knows I know some fucked up individuals. But I also know a fair few people who make something out of nothing, or if they do have problems, they don't see the better parts of their life.
There was a time when it would really get to me, seeing people try to kill themselves over... fucking nothing. But now, as I said, I've kind of outlived it. People do what they do, and you can save them from everything but themselves. And I kind of gave up listening, because nobody ever talks.
Anyway, I'm distracting from this way too much. I was about 13 and I was in a quadbiking accident, messed me up good and proper, so I went to the doctors to see what the dealio was. They sent me to the hospital to do the standard procedure. Only I was 13, and I didn't know that that meant taking a bunch of x-rays, CAT scans, endurance tests, breathing tests, the fuckin works - basically naked apart from a baggy hospital gown and socks. Then I was sent to this little room, full of doctors and nurses and attendings, I thought it ws gonna be like scrubs, you know - funny. If you're wondering if it was or not? It totally wasn't! It was scary, the main guy wasn't welcoming at all. And the rest just starred at me. I was treated like a freaking dollar sign. He basically gave me 2 options - 1: get incredibly invasive and life threatening surgery, in which there is a high change you could be left paralysed or dead, 2: die in one of the worst ways imaginable, and worked everything towards 1 message - do what I say or you'll die.
So you can imagine! My life seemed pretty fucked! My options all included death in different amounts of suffering, so it changed the way I looked at things. Suddenly getting home to watch TV seemed a little insignificant, simple things like eating was now for function, not for enjoyment. Although I didn't really seem too affected by it. To meet me, I was a pretty normal guy. My tastes in music or clothes didn't change, I didn't become an emo or anything like that. Although ever since then I wear white a lot lot more. In fact, I bleached my hair for a bit - I was so determined not to slide into becoming some self-harming floppy-haired mascara-wearing cunt, and that was my way of coping. It wasn't so much that I felt like I was going to become that guy, but more that I was scared of becoming him.
I don't like it, but it has had an effect on every part of my life. I find it pretty difficult to socialise sometimes, and relationships are fairly impossible because I have pretty low self-esteem and trust issues to slay a walrus (???). Money is a massive issue with it, because it costs so much just to... keep me alive, I guess, and they've all got money troubles as it is. Its hard on everyone else as well as me, and I hate it. I'm so glad I have people who care enough to try and help me, and I sometimes just think it'd be easier if it had never happened. Its taking its toll on the family too. Not that I really feel that close with any of them, or them with each other for that matter. Obviously my health is affected, its difficult for me to get a job, I mean I have been living a 'normal' life so far, and I could get a job, but it's not exactly the best thing for me to do.
I don't like moaning. Pah I'm lying, I love it. But maybe the moral of the story here is that I'd probably be moaning regardless, but about nothing. Wait, maybe this is nothing. I should stop moaning!
Huh.
Jamie
I really want to write a blog, but lately, words... they just don't seem to express the emotion enough. But still, this is the only place in the world I can write the things I want, without interruption or influence, I don't have to say anything, but I can. This is pure psychological fluid blogging, and it makes me happy even if no one gets anything from it, or even reads it.
So here we go, I'm going to say what I want, and no one can stop me, no one can delete it or try to pretend its not happening, or change the subject or anything. Hell, no one can even judge me because I'm just saying stuff you should know already.
So I'm not really sure how to do this. I could do like a brief history of my life. I could just write reems and reems of emo shit. Or I could just fucking introduce this blog a little more, jesus how much am I writing to avoid actually writing this?
The answer is a lot!
I suppose its just human nature, people ignor the truth sometimes, pretend its alright and stuff, watch movies as a refuge from reality. I'd like to think that most of the time I lead an optimistic life, if I actually think about it, nothing in my life is perfect, some things are the opposite in fact, but still 360 days out of the year, I see nothing but the positives, and negatives that need to be fixed. At the moment its one of the 5.25 days in which I feel a little bit hopeless. Not depressed or sad even, but just... my mind feels so blank on what it should be feeling. Its felt everything it can, and now it just wants to wait.
I like to change my mind a lot. Well maybe thats not the best phrase for it, I like to let my mind evolve. I add, take away and edit my morals and philosophies, which I personally think is much healthier than living by set morals, like religion for example. The evolution of mind comes with thinking too much, which is something I know all too well. I used to be a bit of an insomniac, thinking all night about today yesterday and tomorrow, planning out what I will say to who, what I should have said and what that would have lead to. Now I've just kind of given up, I let life get on with it, and usually I don't even know what I'm saying, I just say it and wait for the outcome.
I was going to mention something earlier, but I dunno if I did, so here it is: It kind of worries me though, if I'm that optimistic, is that bad? Is it like bottling everything up, ignoring stuff? Oh well, I think I'm a lot more normal than I should be thats for shizzle, and I don't think its necessarily a good thing. I need to let the crazy out a little, and its getting increasingly more difficult to do that. The people I used to open up with have drifted apart, and the new people who I concider friends don't know me well enough for me to open up to. Its difficult, where do I go? Who do I talk to? Am I even meant to talk about it? No one else does! Everyone else just hides it away. Christ, I'd fucking love it if someone was as fucked up as me, I know that everyone is, its just... sometimes the truth is too hard. But look at me eh? Annoying people on the internet and everything, truely this is a breakthrough for the human race? I just wish I was close enough to someone to know their problems. Maybe then I would feel a little more normal. A little more like I belonged somewhere, as someone.
I know I'm not the best person in the world, I'm bad at sports, I don't have a very exciting life or a particularly good or interesting taste in music or fashions, I'm pretty basic when it comes to conversation, I often recite the same worn catchphrases and words as a way of escaping conversation because the truth is, no matter what I say, no matter how much my instinct tells me I'm wrong, I don't want friends.
I can't bare to let anyone down, and if people liked me then thats bound to happen. I try my best to be a good friend, I help out people when I can, I can be there just to listen, talk, sometimes I even cheer people up, sometimes I even make them laugh, but some things are out of my hands, and what if one of those things happen, people would be sad - and thats what scares me about having friends.
I know it seems like a stupid way to live, but its the least selfish, even if it doesn't seem like it at the time. Sometimes I'm purposefully a bit horrible just to make someone doubt me as a friend.
I don't know why I'm opening up so much, wait thats a lie.
I'm opening up because of my problems.
Which I will divulge, maybe it'll rub off on someone, who knows.
I feel like I've lived beyond the point of regret and grudges and keeping it all secret. It just seems kind of pointless, I feel more peaceful. Its like that time my friend told me about religion, then apologised because he thought he was trying to rope me in. I said it was fine because I genuinely think that its better to know all the options, so you can choose whats best. Anyway where was I... Yeah well I was probably about to lead onto the real beef. Maybe in a slightly more graceful way, but its all good.
I mentioned it at some point - the last time I cried. It was like, ages ago. Man it really was. I was about 13 or something. It was one of those reasons thats more than a usual bit of crying. It was one of those reasons where you don't know what the hell to think at the time, then you just kind of float around until it hits you. Not for any of the classic reasons though I suppose, I mean not that my problems don't involve all of those - family, friends, relationships, money, all that. But its a little darker I'm afraid. I guess its relative though, so I won't pretend I've got it worst off or anything, cuz lord knows I know some fucked up individuals. But I also know a fair few people who make something out of nothing, or if they do have problems, they don't see the better parts of their life.
There was a time when it would really get to me, seeing people try to kill themselves over... fucking nothing. But now, as I said, I've kind of outlived it. People do what they do, and you can save them from everything but themselves. And I kind of gave up listening, because nobody ever talks.
Anyway, I'm distracting from this way too much. I was about 13 and I was in a quadbiking accident, messed me up good and proper, so I went to the doctors to see what the dealio was. They sent me to the hospital to do the standard procedure. Only I was 13, and I didn't know that that meant taking a bunch of x-rays, CAT scans, endurance tests, breathing tests, the fuckin works - basically naked apart from a baggy hospital gown and socks. Then I was sent to this little room, full of doctors and nurses and attendings, I thought it ws gonna be like scrubs, you know - funny. If you're wondering if it was or not? It totally wasn't! It was scary, the main guy wasn't welcoming at all. And the rest just starred at me. I was treated like a freaking dollar sign. He basically gave me 2 options - 1: get incredibly invasive and life threatening surgery, in which there is a high change you could be left paralysed or dead, 2: die in one of the worst ways imaginable, and worked everything towards 1 message - do what I say or you'll die.
So you can imagine! My life seemed pretty fucked! My options all included death in different amounts of suffering, so it changed the way I looked at things. Suddenly getting home to watch TV seemed a little insignificant, simple things like eating was now for function, not for enjoyment. Although I didn't really seem too affected by it. To meet me, I was a pretty normal guy. My tastes in music or clothes didn't change, I didn't become an emo or anything like that. Although ever since then I wear white a lot lot more. In fact, I bleached my hair for a bit - I was so determined not to slide into becoming some self-harming floppy-haired mascara-wearing cunt, and that was my way of coping. It wasn't so much that I felt like I was going to become that guy, but more that I was scared of becoming him.
I don't like it, but it has had an effect on every part of my life. I find it pretty difficult to socialise sometimes, and relationships are fairly impossible because I have pretty low self-esteem and trust issues to slay a walrus (???). Money is a massive issue with it, because it costs so much just to... keep me alive, I guess, and they've all got money troubles as it is. Its hard on everyone else as well as me, and I hate it. I'm so glad I have people who care enough to try and help me, and I sometimes just think it'd be easier if it had never happened. Its taking its toll on the family too. Not that I really feel that close with any of them, or them with each other for that matter. Obviously my health is affected, its difficult for me to get a job, I mean I have been living a 'normal' life so far, and I could get a job, but it's not exactly the best thing for me to do.
I don't like moaning. Pah I'm lying, I love it. But maybe the moral of the story here is that I'd probably be moaning regardless, but about nothing. Wait, maybe this is nothing. I should stop moaning!
Huh.
Jamie
05 May 2009
i want to tell you things till my lungs bleed
My first attempt at an emo a softer world type shit.
I r sadfase.
02 May 2009
Packages
I saw this and it made me laugh, but also it seems like a good idea. I might try it one day.
I planned on sleeping in.
Finding it hard to find people to play toe or finger with.
Maybe I should just get a girlfriend instead...
from jamie x
01 May 2009
"You know, that dance wasn't as safe as they said it was"
S-s-s-s-s-s-s-s A-a-a-a-a-a-a-a F-f-f-f-f-f-f-f E-e-e-e-e-e-e-e T-t-t-t-t-t-t-t Y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y Safe-safe-safe-safe-safe-safe-safe-safety Dance-dance-dance-dance-dance-dance-dance-dance! Boopboop beepbeep boopboopboop beepbeep, Boopboop beepbeep boopboopboop beepbeep.
I did a new blog layout, just fancied putting the old geek skills to use. Do you like it? Well I do. I've started doing a little diary, kind of documentary but with no point. I guess I should credit ryan for doing one slightly before me, therefore making him creator of documentary cinema. Anyway its not going to be that interesting, but it'll hopefully be a bit fun, and I can improve my shoddy camera skills. Colleen I am officially keeping this tape until college is over, or until I get more. I'll label it <3
Scary how close we all are to finishing college for good. I feel like I've only just met some of you, and as for the ones I know well - I feel like I've been a total douche and not spent enough time with you.
Sorry guys, shouldn't have been a cunt I guess. Then again, maybe thats the only reason you hang out with me...
I need to buy tonnes of clothes and shoes and stuff. I should do that while theres still a point to my existance. Thats a point, after college and summer, what the fuck am I going to do with myself? All my friends are moving away to uni, I have no plans for jobs and not quite enough money to move out. Jesus my life. I'll write to you all, with propa pens and paper. And I'll visit so much it'll be annoying. Just like real life! Yeah, it won't change, I'll still be there to annoy and abuse you, give you something to laugh with (...at), to watch them drink too much, whatever.
None of y'all bitches are givin me your addresses are you?
Fuck my life.
love jamie x
I did a new blog layout, just fancied putting the old geek skills to use. Do you like it? Well I do. I've started doing a little diary, kind of documentary but with no point. I guess I should credit ryan for doing one slightly before me, therefore making him creator of documentary cinema. Anyway its not going to be that interesting, but it'll hopefully be a bit fun, and I can improve my shoddy camera skills. Colleen I am officially keeping this tape until college is over, or until I get more. I'll label it <3
Scary how close we all are to finishing college for good. I feel like I've only just met some of you, and as for the ones I know well - I feel like I've been a total douche and not spent enough time with you.
Sorry guys, shouldn't have been a cunt I guess. Then again, maybe thats the only reason you hang out with me...
I need to buy tonnes of clothes and shoes and stuff. I should do that while theres still a point to my existance. Thats a point, after college and summer, what the fuck am I going to do with myself? All my friends are moving away to uni, I have no plans for jobs and not quite enough money to move out. Jesus my life. I'll write to you all, with propa pens and paper. And I'll visit so much it'll be annoying. Just like real life! Yeah, it won't change, I'll still be there to annoy and abuse you, give you something to laugh with (...at), to watch them drink too much, whatever.
None of y'all bitches are givin me your addresses are you?
Fuck my life.
love jamie x
24 April 2009
filming is fun
I actually discovered why I'm on a filming course this past 2 weeks - Its fun to film stuff! I like it! I uploaded a little bit of my fmp, and it looks alright, although you know, some of it is very very badly lit, which I thought I'd get away with because its gritty and noiarce, but maybe not. I dunno, we'll see I guess! Editing will make or break it, if I need to reshoot anything, then I will! Its my favourite!
Yes. Looking alright, Pats looks good too. Wanna see other peoples, properly. The only other filming I saw was Colleens, and it was only a tiny, tiny bit of it - looks good/goulash/filthy/banter/noiarce/patrick calvert. I want to see more, it makes me happy.
So yes, filming is fun, but editing is like 3 times as nice. das wassup. Lets make another film. Guys, I want us to get together and make another film - improv it, and it'll be fucking cool. I DARE YOU.
Lavinias fmp shoot this weekend. I seem to be the only person who's completely looking forward to this more than anything ever. More than my own fmp shoot in fact. The script is actually good, no offence lav but its 10... HUNDRED times better than I expected.
Lush.
*****EDIT*****
Lav, you suck.
*****EDIT*****
Yes. Looking alright, Pats looks good too. Wanna see other peoples, properly. The only other filming I saw was Colleens, and it was only a tiny, tiny bit of it - looks good/goulash/filthy/banter/noiarce/patrick calvert. I want to see more, it makes me happy.
So yes, filming is fun, but editing is like 3 times as nice. das wassup. Lets make another film. Guys, I want us to get together and make another film - improv it, and it'll be fucking cool. I DARE YOU.
Lavinias fmp shoot this weekend. I seem to be the only person who's completely looking forward to this more than anything ever. More than my own fmp shoot in fact. The script is actually good, no offence lav but its 10... HUNDRED times better than I expected.
Lush.
*****EDIT*****
Lav, you suck.
*****EDIT*****
23 April 2009
Instead of being in the sun, I'm blogging about it
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21 April 2009
Problem sleuth
I will do a sketch blog to make this blog not suck so much. Plus it'd be nice need to warm back into drawing a little bit, even if it is just stickmen. Greeeeaaaat. Looking forward to it? Well I am.
I'm such a rebel
I am very bored and only want to do work at home.
Oh, this is the first blog i've ever done from college.
YEEEEAAAAAAH!!
Oh, this is the first blog i've ever done from college.
YEEEEAAAAAAH!!
20 April 2009
Back on the blog wagon
I left my blog alone for a while. It seemed that no one was really blogging much. But then Lav started so I thought I'd get involved.
I do enjoy a good blog, not that I provide good blogs, but writing them is nice, keeps me busy, puts some things out there. You know - shit, stuff, whatever.
I just fear that my style of blogging and even writing is pretty poor. I mean not that I don't already know that my blogs are shitty. nobody really cares what I ate for breakfast, or what I think about death or why being lonely is sometimes super awesome. (that was a scrubs reference, i'm not that desperate!). Not only that, but I feel like I use too many commas and full stops. And repeat myself. So, here's to a better quality of blog.
I don't really know how to go about that.
I've kind of said everything I can think to say. So maybe I should finally just tell you all whats really on my mind? My real story? The actual real life things about me, and what makes me the emotionally and socially crippled narcissistic insomniac you all love.
but then i realise that i ate biscuits for breakfast and you probably don't want to hear all that other shit.
I do enjoy a good blog, not that I provide good blogs, but writing them is nice, keeps me busy, puts some things out there. You know - shit, stuff, whatever.
I just fear that my style of blogging and even writing is pretty poor. I mean not that I don't already know that my blogs are shitty. nobody really cares what I ate for breakfast, or what I think about death or why being lonely is sometimes super awesome. (that was a scrubs reference, i'm not that desperate!). Not only that, but I feel like I use too many commas and full stops. And repeat myself. So, here's to a better quality of blog.
I don't really know how to go about that.
I've kind of said everything I can think to say. So maybe I should finally just tell you all whats really on my mind? My real story? The actual real life things about me, and what makes me the emotionally and socially crippled narcissistic insomniac you all love.
but then i realise that i ate biscuits for breakfast and you probably don't want to hear all that other shit.
19 April 2009
thank christ
What up internet homies,
I am sitting on this chair, pretty unconfortably, but its fine because I feel like a change. I just got done with quite a busy weekend, and now I don't really know what to do with myself. Kinda like when you give up a hobby, then you realise how fucking bored you must've been before you took up that hobby.
Filmed FMP, well like...
Thats actually a lie.
I filmed a lot of it, but I still have some shit to do. I can do it alone though. I just didn't want to keep everyone hanging around, because I could sense that it was getting a little boring and it was like 10pm. So I just kept aaron round and invited narayan for some games. Mostly for me really, pretty selfish but I needed to relax a bit and it was nice to see them for like the first time this holiday.
We played CD-I, most of you will have no idea what that is, but ust imagine something so shit its not even funny any more, then make it shitter so that it is funny.
I'm not really sure if I'm looking forward to college or not. I'd love to see people again, but I feel a bit like I've forgotten to do something important.
I hope Narayan slept ok last night. He slept on the floor. Then on an office chair. Then on the floor again.
Oh yeah, that stupid EMA advert just came on, with the fingers and shit. Reminded me that I need to sort that the fuck out. I mean I don't need the money, but its free money so you know.
I wanna have a movie fest. Who wants to have a movie fest? Like, nerdy movies or some kind of theme. Matrix 1, 2, 3 and Animatrix or something. Star Wars, a bunch of Will Farrell films. Also I really want to watch all those old animated tv shows, like Ghostbusters, and Men in Black, and all that.
The point is, as a media class, we need to hang out more. Go out to the pub, go out drinking. Stay in and watch movies. Whatever, but its like I hardly ever see any of y'all outside of college, and I'd hate to think it'd be like that after college.
Whatever, I'm just really making the same points I ever make in my blogs. I could make a template.
I'm out.
I am sitting on this chair, pretty unconfortably, but its fine because I feel like a change. I just got done with quite a busy weekend, and now I don't really know what to do with myself. Kinda like when you give up a hobby, then you realise how fucking bored you must've been before you took up that hobby.
Filmed FMP, well like...
Thats actually a lie.
I filmed a lot of it, but I still have some shit to do. I can do it alone though. I just didn't want to keep everyone hanging around, because I could sense that it was getting a little boring and it was like 10pm. So I just kept aaron round and invited narayan for some games. Mostly for me really, pretty selfish but I needed to relax a bit and it was nice to see them for like the first time this holiday.
We played CD-I, most of you will have no idea what that is, but ust imagine something so shit its not even funny any more, then make it shitter so that it is funny.
I'm not really sure if I'm looking forward to college or not. I'd love to see people again, but I feel a bit like I've forgotten to do something important.
I hope Narayan slept ok last night. He slept on the floor. Then on an office chair. Then on the floor again.
Oh yeah, that stupid EMA advert just came on, with the fingers and shit. Reminded me that I need to sort that the fuck out. I mean I don't need the money, but its free money so you know.
I wanna have a movie fest. Who wants to have a movie fest? Like, nerdy movies or some kind of theme. Matrix 1, 2, 3 and Animatrix or something. Star Wars, a bunch of Will Farrell films. Also I really want to watch all those old animated tv shows, like Ghostbusters, and Men in Black, and all that.
The point is, as a media class, we need to hang out more. Go out to the pub, go out drinking. Stay in and watch movies. Whatever, but its like I hardly ever see any of y'all outside of college, and I'd hate to think it'd be like that after college.
Whatever, I'm just really making the same points I ever make in my blogs. I could make a template.
I'm out.
06 April 2009
I am now exactly where I was a month ago.
I need an actor for my FMP, so badly. I had one, who I was actually quite looking forward to working with, but yeeeeeeaaaah he wants lots of money. And I don't like him that much to be honest, so isn't getting it.
So that sucks majorly, especially at such short notice, and seeing as I can't even shoot any of it without the actor. Man. Oh well, I guess I'll spend my half term relaxing and having lulz, and then see what happens.
Shame Aarons going home, I would have liked to hang out with him. I hope we all hang out, at some point over this easter. Its kind of ridiculous that me and Dave had to promise to get drunk with each other at least twice. But really, I hardly ever see anyone outside of college. Plans always fall through, or are never made.
Who the fuck am I aiming this at you all hate me.
out.
So that sucks majorly, especially at such short notice, and seeing as I can't even shoot any of it without the actor. Man. Oh well, I guess I'll spend my half term relaxing and having lulz, and then see what happens.
Shame Aarons going home, I would have liked to hang out with him. I hope we all hang out, at some point over this easter. Its kind of ridiculous that me and Dave had to promise to get drunk with each other at least twice. But really, I hardly ever see anyone outside of college. Plans always fall through, or are never made.
Who the fuck am I aiming this at you all hate me.
out.
05 April 2009
This is it. Why am I wasting it?
If there is a God, why would it give a fuck about us? We suck, we just waste so much time. We're naturally lazy.
If something made us, it didn't go to plan.
If something made us, it didn't go to plan.
Chillout Electro
I've had a nice cleansing day. I tidied my room up, wore some clothes I hadn't worn in a while, and now I am listening to electro's finest lineup of chillout tracks. Most delightful.
Of course, as always I'm not doing this at random, I'm doing it because something scared me so much last night that I was paralysed for a good hour, not thinking about anything, just laying there, devastated. It wasn't even anything important either, it was just one of those realisations. Something obvious, but something you don't really think about until it hits you like a flash when you're sat there at 2 in the morning with scrubs re-runs on.
I dunno, I'm sure you've all had enough of my 'blah blah blah life death shit etc' moany emo rants that don't really have a point. So I won't talk about it, I just want to blog about something, you know?
I'd like to think that although I'm very angry, cynical, aggressive, moany, sarcastic, offencive, racist, sexist, biased and annoying, I try to get on with everyone, but sometimes people can just annoy even me. Just by making striking up a conversation and then making it impossible to talk to them. Just people who are socially retarded in general I hate talking to. Sounds hypocritical but even I know how conversation works, and I'm fairly easy to talk to. Right? Let me know if I am actually impossible to talk to!
end
Of course, as always I'm not doing this at random, I'm doing it because something scared me so much last night that I was paralysed for a good hour, not thinking about anything, just laying there, devastated. It wasn't even anything important either, it was just one of those realisations. Something obvious, but something you don't really think about until it hits you like a flash when you're sat there at 2 in the morning with scrubs re-runs on.
I dunno, I'm sure you've all had enough of my 'blah blah blah life death shit etc' moany emo rants that don't really have a point. So I won't talk about it, I just want to blog about something, you know?
I'd like to think that although I'm very angry, cynical, aggressive, moany, sarcastic, offencive, racist, sexist, biased and annoying, I try to get on with everyone, but sometimes people can just annoy even me. Just by making striking up a conversation and then making it impossible to talk to them. Just people who are socially retarded in general I hate talking to. Sounds hypocritical but even I know how conversation works, and I'm fairly easy to talk to. Right? Let me know if I am actually impossible to talk to!
end
03 April 2009
Are you actually allowed to do this?
Someone I don't know who added me on facebook recently uploaded a photo. It was of herself, you know, the classic 'I'm going to take a picture of myself in the mirror like I don't even give a fuck' one. She gave it the caption 'sexi mee :D' and clicked the 'i like this' button.
Is it just me or does that sound like she's very inscure?
Also, is it ok for me to be laughing this much?
Is it just me or does that sound like she's very inscure?
Also, is it ok for me to be laughing this much?
01 April 2009
27 March 2009
FRIST BLOG LOOL
I just realised I hadn't blogged from my new EEE 901 mini laptop yet, so here goes. I had a thought today, as I was waiting around, seeing what WiFi I could sponge off of, what would be really neat is if someone with an ultraportable did like an almost-constant streaming video blog of their life. That'd be sweet. I'm not saying I'd want to do it, because I don't, but maybe I'd watch it if it was real. If this does actually exist, then please link me to it! I'd probably be pretty interested.
Anyway, hello internet, it has been some time. I really do enjoy using this little laptop, mini things are much nicer than human sized things in my opinion. Its not too mini to be unusable, but its mini enough to be very portable and convenient, so it's good. I am glad I purchased it, it's totally worth the ridicule from Patrick and Narayan.
Like the nerd I am, I've spent the last 2 days making it supersweet and also downloading a bunch of nerdy wallpapers for the desktop, mainly zombies, Japanese style and Pocoyo but good ones nonetheless.
I am helping David with his FMP tomorrow, which kind of reminded me that I really desperately need to be doing mine. Can't wait for editing, it will be the most fun. But hopefully if I have a good cast and crew then filming should be pretty fun too. As long as I get off my ass and take some charge. Should only take a few days to blast out, and will be rad. If you fancy helping me then please do!! I'll return the favour, even if you don't then I'll still help you with anything because I'm awesome. Well, I wish I was, so I guess thats enough.
Hmmmmyeah so this was a fairly short blog, I kind of used up all my blogging power and now I suck.
end
Anyway, hello internet, it has been some time. I really do enjoy using this little laptop, mini things are much nicer than human sized things in my opinion. Its not too mini to be unusable, but its mini enough to be very portable and convenient, so it's good. I am glad I purchased it, it's totally worth the ridicule from Patrick and Narayan.
Like the nerd I am, I've spent the last 2 days making it supersweet and also downloading a bunch of nerdy wallpapers for the desktop, mainly zombies, Japanese style and Pocoyo but good ones nonetheless.
I am helping David with his FMP tomorrow, which kind of reminded me that I really desperately need to be doing mine. Can't wait for editing, it will be the most fun. But hopefully if I have a good cast and crew then filming should be pretty fun too. As long as I get off my ass and take some charge. Should only take a few days to blast out, and will be rad. If you fancy helping me then please do!! I'll return the favour, even if you don't then I'll still help you with anything because I'm awesome. Well, I wish I was, so I guess thats enough.
Hmmmmyeah so this was a fairly short blog, I kind of used up all my blogging power and now I suck.
end
22 March 2009
sploshun
I haven't blogged for a while, not that I ever really 'blogged' in the first place but nevertheless here I am.
My sister is down for a bit, so thats nice. Don't see much of her really, her living in Dubai making ridiculous amounts of money and all. I bought her a nice present for her birthday so she can take it back with her.
It is mothers day tomorrow. Or realy its today, but whatever. I hope we don't go to manchester like I heard rumours of. We're going out to a restaurant courtesy of me, I feel a little too rough to go out. Sounds selfish but its just me being horrible.
I want to write a book, and I don't know why I'm not. Same with this comic. I guess I just wanted to get all this purchasing and money stuff out the way first, now it is I can relax and get on with my stuff.
I bought myself a tiny little laptop about an hour ago, and it will be here on friday. I'm quite excited about it, I had a look round Cambridge today to see what one was like in the flesh, and I really like it. So hopefully my one will serve me well. At 230 something quid it was fairly cheap so no worries if not, you know?
So thats a laptop, a Wii, dinner and a night out treating people to drinks, and a mothers day dinner out. I hope EMA get their shit together, then maybe I'd get all that stuff FO' FREE.
How my waitering savings have lasted me this long I don't know. I need to get a job soon. I want to keep up my record of never ever borrowing money from anyone since I was 16, but I hate working, and I have no idea what I'd do anyway.
Hmm.
I don't want to wait 5 days, it makes me sadfase.
I want more ps tripple gamez.
PLx maek moar good gamez.
Jamie out
My sister is down for a bit, so thats nice. Don't see much of her really, her living in Dubai making ridiculous amounts of money and all. I bought her a nice present for her birthday so she can take it back with her.
It is mothers day tomorrow. Or realy its today, but whatever. I hope we don't go to manchester like I heard rumours of. We're going out to a restaurant courtesy of me, I feel a little too rough to go out. Sounds selfish but its just me being horrible.
I want to write a book, and I don't know why I'm not. Same with this comic. I guess I just wanted to get all this purchasing and money stuff out the way first, now it is I can relax and get on with my stuff.
I bought myself a tiny little laptop about an hour ago, and it will be here on friday. I'm quite excited about it, I had a look round Cambridge today to see what one was like in the flesh, and I really like it. So hopefully my one will serve me well. At 230 something quid it was fairly cheap so no worries if not, you know?
So thats a laptop, a Wii, dinner and a night out treating people to drinks, and a mothers day dinner out. I hope EMA get their shit together, then maybe I'd get all that stuff FO' FREE.
How my waitering savings have lasted me this long I don't know. I need to get a job soon. I want to keep up my record of never ever borrowing money from anyone since I was 16, but I hate working, and I have no idea what I'd do anyway.
Hmm.
I don't want to wait 5 days, it makes me sadfase.
I want more ps tripple gamez.
PLx maek moar good gamez.
Jamie out
14 March 2009
Blog for no apparent reason.
Just thought I'd update. Nothing on my mind really, I just like blogging. I will lay it out like bullet points because I feel like it.
Want to start my artsy awesome amazingly deep comic no one will get.
A car had a fucking go at me this morning.
Listening to dubstep due to Dave.
Checking out ultraportable laptops on the internet. With much joy and also crippling defeat.
I want the EEE 901 (eee are well known in the mini laptop world).
Mostly its extortionately priced. But still found a couple for a good price.
I suddenly remember as a kid of 15 wanting parking sensors in my coat.
That coat was my life.
I enjoy coats.
Probably psycological.
Facebook layout is fine stop moaning. Look how far it got you last time doucheflicks.
I need to tidy this shithole up a bit.
Need to do something new with my hair + clothes.
Getting over a weak cold.
Mini laptops are sweet.
Want.
I ate chinese takeaway. (Que Patrick: "I'm sooooo fulllll")
Jo was shocked I owned a camera.
Jo is a cunt to me sometimes.
He's called Jo, (or technically Jo') stop spelling it Joe, faggots!
Please don't correct me on that, Narayan, I honestly don't care.
That was a joke, but I have a feeling you's probably have something to say about it.
Not in an offensive way.
Its lateish.
I want to do lots of creative stuff but I feel stunted mentally at the moment. Needs moar blood.
Need to buy more PS tripple gamez.
Might try, and fail, that pass-in-5-days driving thing (100% guarantee (except not)). Sounds like fun!
Need to learn to drive.
Want a nice reliable car.
Want to hear from someone via email. Business is slow.
Nervous.
I religiously watch scrubs late-night.
I secretly love the show Dark Angel.
Jessica Alba is hot.
I want rice.
I want jelly.
I want cake.
I want to write you all letters when you go to uni.
I don't even care how gay that sounds.
I fuckin love Haiku's
I wish I could fund a bunch of funny ones I did ages ago.
Nerd-related, of course.
I really want surveys to have Ethnicity: White - Irish [_] Nerdy [X]
Would like a job so I can feel good spending all my hard-earned savings.
Gonna make my website in notepad. It is going to fucking rule.
Dreamweaver's for suckas.
I secretly like Macs.
Water is good.
Linux may be good but I think Windows is better for now.
[Note to self: maybe start on Lindows?]
Twitter>Facebook
I went there.
Want to hook my rotary dial phone up to my PC
Shouldn't be blogging, should be doing important things.
Hopefully won't need to get up too early tomorrow.
Early being before 2pm
What should I get a job in?????
Narayan and I are funi. Narayan mostly - no - entirely, but I was there:
Out of context?
Hope the gif works.
It didn't.
Need to redo a bunch of college assignments.
FML?
Nah no sweat.
I don't understand how or why people get so emotional about shit.
Especially things out of their control.
Like work.
Although granted Documentary got on me a bit.
I've changed.
Change is godo.
Can't wait for Lappy Lappingson McTopsworth. E tripple. The Epic (thanks Narayan for that one)
Lemons is the name of my new comic.
I want to keep you updated on it.
You do not want to hear it.
You will love it.
Bigheaded? No, just awesome.
Comment with something epic please! Maybe replies to bullet points, maybe your own bullet points. I certainly like this style of blogging.
Want to start my artsy awesome amazingly deep comic no one will get.
A car had a fucking go at me this morning.
Listening to dubstep due to Dave.
Checking out ultraportable laptops on the internet. With much joy and also crippling defeat.
I want the EEE 901 (eee are well known in the mini laptop world).
Mostly its extortionately priced. But still found a couple for a good price.
I suddenly remember as a kid of 15 wanting parking sensors in my coat.
That coat was my life.
I enjoy coats.
Probably psycological.
Facebook layout is fine stop moaning. Look how far it got you last time doucheflicks.
I need to tidy this shithole up a bit.
Need to do something new with my hair + clothes.
Getting over a weak cold.
Mini laptops are sweet.
Want.
I ate chinese takeaway. (Que Patrick: "I'm sooooo fulllll")
Jo was shocked I owned a camera.
Jo is a cunt to me sometimes.
He's called Jo, (or technically Jo') stop spelling it Joe, faggots!
Please don't correct me on that, Narayan, I honestly don't care.
That was a joke, but I have a feeling you's probably have something to say about it.
Not in an offensive way.
Its lateish.
I want to do lots of creative stuff but I feel stunted mentally at the moment. Needs moar blood.
Need to buy more PS tripple gamez.
Might try, and fail, that pass-in-5-days driving thing (100% guarantee (except not)). Sounds like fun!
Need to learn to drive.
Want a nice reliable car.
Want to hear from someone via email. Business is slow.
Nervous.
I religiously watch scrubs late-night.
I secretly love the show Dark Angel.
Jessica Alba is hot.
I want rice.
I want jelly.
I want cake.
I want to write you all letters when you go to uni.
I don't even care how gay that sounds.
I fuckin love Haiku's
I wish I could fund a bunch of funny ones I did ages ago.
Nerd-related, of course.
I really want surveys to have Ethnicity: White - Irish [_] Nerdy [X]
Would like a job so I can feel good spending all my hard-earned savings.
Gonna make my website in notepad. It is going to fucking rule.
Dreamweaver's for suckas.
I secretly like Macs.
Water is good.
Linux may be good but I think Windows is better for now.
[Note to self: maybe start on Lindows?]
Twitter>Facebook
I went there.
Want to hook my rotary dial phone up to my PC
Shouldn't be blogging, should be doing important things.
Hopefully won't need to get up too early tomorrow.
Early being before 2pm
What should I get a job in?????
Narayan and I are funi. Narayan mostly - no - entirely, but I was there:
Out of context?
Hope the gif works.
It didn't.
Need to redo a bunch of college assignments.
FML?
Nah no sweat.
I don't understand how or why people get so emotional about shit.
Especially things out of their control.
Like work.
Although granted Documentary got on me a bit.
I've changed.
Change is godo.
Can't wait for Lappy Lappingson McTopsworth. E tripple. The Epic (thanks Narayan for that one)
Lemons is the name of my new comic.
I want to keep you updated on it.
You do not want to hear it.
You will love it.
Bigheaded? No, just awesome.
Comment with something epic please! Maybe replies to bullet points, maybe your own bullet points. I certainly like this style of blogging.
11 March 2009
Something about the spring
It just makes me feel weird. Like an attack of the senses, and all of them bad haha
It reminds me of cracked eggs and warm, watered down apple juice. Yuk. You probably don't understand what I mean, but maybe you do so I'll blog about it. On the plus side, my senses seem to be heightened in the daytime now, as opposed to just in the mornings, its so nice just to be that little bit more aware of everything, but it also makes me feel a bit weird, mixes up my senses a little. I don't know why, my nervous system is just not right.
You know when people say 'it'll click sooner or later' when you don't understand something, well that happened to me today, only when it happens to me, it happens majorly. Like, if I'm in the right mindset I can just understand how something works, or understand just... everything about a subject. Its probably the same for everyone else, if not easier, but I like it when it happens. I just understand things I never even learned.
Anyway it happened today, and I feel a lot more in control with my physical self, and my mind feels a lot clearer now it can cope with that burden. It all just clicked, now I feel like I can sort it out without any effort at all. I think its part of the rum-detox week I've had. I just feel new, like I've been taken apart, had all my atoms cleaned and polished, then put back together.
In this clear mind-set, I will begin my comic, it will be very psychological and everything will be very in tune with how I think and linked to me mentally, because obviously the sleep deprivation, and the fact that when I improvise, my hand just goes off without me.
Some personal (health related) records beat which I am very happy with. So woo, go me.
This monopoly production company seems to be going well. I will let you in on it when something happens I'm sure.
I ought to check in and see if anyone important has emailed me, my website servers have been haxX0rd, so maybe don't visit abysscomics (if you were intending) to for a while. I don't know if its been infected, but just to be safe. As a word of warning, lay low for a while, its a big server so maybe don't go to any websites you're not all that familiar with, just for a week or so until it gets sorted out.
Surf safe,
Jamie
It reminds me of cracked eggs and warm, watered down apple juice. Yuk. You probably don't understand what I mean, but maybe you do so I'll blog about it. On the plus side, my senses seem to be heightened in the daytime now, as opposed to just in the mornings, its so nice just to be that little bit more aware of everything, but it also makes me feel a bit weird, mixes up my senses a little. I don't know why, my nervous system is just not right.
You know when people say 'it'll click sooner or later' when you don't understand something, well that happened to me today, only when it happens to me, it happens majorly. Like, if I'm in the right mindset I can just understand how something works, or understand just... everything about a subject. Its probably the same for everyone else, if not easier, but I like it when it happens. I just understand things I never even learned.
Anyway it happened today, and I feel a lot more in control with my physical self, and my mind feels a lot clearer now it can cope with that burden. It all just clicked, now I feel like I can sort it out without any effort at all. I think its part of the rum-detox week I've had. I just feel new, like I've been taken apart, had all my atoms cleaned and polished, then put back together.
In this clear mind-set, I will begin my comic, it will be very psychological and everything will be very in tune with how I think and linked to me mentally, because obviously the sleep deprivation, and the fact that when I improvise, my hand just goes off without me.
Some personal (health related) records beat which I am very happy with. So woo, go me.
This monopoly production company seems to be going well. I will let you in on it when something happens I'm sure.
I ought to check in and see if anyone important has emailed me, my website servers have been haxX0rd, so maybe don't visit abysscomics (if you were intending) to for a while. I don't know if its been infected, but just to be safe. As a word of warning, lay low for a while, its a big server so maybe don't go to any websites you're not all that familiar with, just for a week or so until it gets sorted out.
Surf safe,
Jamie
10 March 2009
09 March 2009
Concept art if you like
Sleep Deprived Buzzwords
To get inspiration for comics, I usually think of the idea or draw out the pilot when I am heavily sleep deprived. I feel it is time for another comic, so I did the same thing but I did more than usual, to bulk the story up a bit. Lets take a look at the results:
Robots
Bar/pub
Chocolate milk = beer
Clocks/watches
Silentcomic parts
Flying chairs
Diary
Sleep Deprivation
Hats
Curse
Talking motorbikes
Doctors
Stabby stabby
Acid
Super happy funtime
Rotary dial telephone
Capes
Teddy bears
Piano-based novelty ties
Glasses
Lamp
Goldfish
Snow
Moon
Yellow
Flannel
Mint choc-chip ice cream
Chocolate
Black robot
Frankenstein
Vocabulary/language
Fire/hell
Manners
Balloon dogs
Clowns
Plastic duckies
Lemons
Soy sauce
3 piece suit
Unnecessary wheat production
Goggles
So that is it. I tried to make sense of this and it actually might turn out quite well. I orignally thought it would be an excellent silent comic, but then I thought maybe the story's too complex, so I changed that to silent characters instead.
If you would like, you can comment with the kind of story those buzzwords paint for you :)
fin
Robots
Bar/pub
Chocolate milk = beer
Clocks/watches
Silent
Flying chairs
Diary
Sleep Deprivation
Hats
Curse
Talking motorbikes
Doctors
Stabby stabby
Acid
Super happy funtime
Rotary dial telephone
Capes
Teddy bears
Piano-based novelty ties
Glasses
Lamp
Goldfish
Snow
Moon
Yellow
Flannel
Mint choc-chip ice cream
Chocolate
Black robot
Frankenstein
Vocabulary/language
Fire/hell
Manners
Balloon dogs
Clowns
Plastic duckies
Lemons
Soy sauce
3 piece suit
Unnecessary wheat production
Goggles
So that is it. I tried to make sense of this and it actually might turn out quite well. I orignally thought it would be an excellent silent comic, but then I thought maybe the story's too complex, so I changed that to silent characters instead.
If you would like, you can comment with the kind of story those buzzwords paint for you :)
fin
08 March 2009
I've heard heroes have good dental
I feel like I have neglected my blog a bit. I mean SURE, its never really going to be that interesting, but I guess for some people, maybe someone who is a bit slow-witted (the larger portion of the internet, in other words) or maybe if people are bored, or want to get to know people a little better, or maybe just people who want to feel better about their own problems by listening to other peoples. Like a soap opera but good.
Anyway, the point is, I love to blog, and I love to read other peoples blogs. Its something to get away to, to look forward to, a release from aloneness and from the people who you might not want to open up to. Your own little post-it note on the billboard of the world.
Good, so with that over, I will begin to ramble on about shit that makes no sense or is pointless for a length of time which is slightly longer than everyone elses, just because I'm a competitive little bitch like that.
I guess something which is new is a strong urge to know about everything nerdy. Before, I will be honest, I enjoyed the idea of superhero films, but I never really watched them much, or took any kind of active interest in the genre. But these days thats changed quite a lot. I'm not entirely sure why, but I think it was something to do with last years incredible superhero-summer, where they released some great superhero flicks, maybe even the most in one summer EVER?
Whatever, I enjoyed it, and then WATCHMEN comes out, and I think 'okay this is probably something I'd be interested in', so I research it, and I was right. I had heard of Watchmen before now, in fact I almost bought it way back when, then again when the re-print it came into stores whenever that was, maybe '08? And on Film4 they seem to have some kind of nerdfest going on, which I have been tuning into quite a bit.
Well then I got thinking, what is the fascination with heroes? I mean, thinking about it, its escapism isn't it, but I mean, why the balls do I enjoy watching the same generic hero film structure over and over? Ordinary guy, maybe he gets bullied at school, something happens with radiation, he gets superpowers, he beats the crap outta a bunch of people and gets the girl of his dreams.
I don't actually know, so don't expect a solution from me, but if YOU know, then please, feel free.
I also got thinking about why it hasn't happened yet. Like, why haven't people taken shit into their own hands if they like the idea of it so much. Although thinking a little further, the people who enjoy superhero flicks are pasty nerds who wouldn't know sunlight from a bowl of fruit.
So thats why.
In conclusion, I don't know what's wrong with the world. Nothing really. But maybe it'd be a little more awesome if there were some heroes in it, know what I'm saying?
Anyway, the point is, I love to blog, and I love to read other peoples blogs. Its something to get away to, to look forward to, a release from aloneness and from the people who you might not want to open up to. Your own little post-it note on the billboard of the world.
Good, so with that over, I will begin to ramble on about shit that makes no sense or is pointless for a length of time which is slightly longer than everyone elses, just because I'm a competitive little bitch like that.
I guess something which is new is a strong urge to know about everything nerdy. Before, I will be honest, I enjoyed the idea of superhero films, but I never really watched them much, or took any kind of active interest in the genre. But these days thats changed quite a lot. I'm not entirely sure why, but I think it was something to do with last years incredible superhero-summer, where they released some great superhero flicks, maybe even the most in one summer EVER?
Whatever, I enjoyed it, and then WATCHMEN comes out, and I think 'okay this is probably something I'd be interested in', so I research it, and I was right. I had heard of Watchmen before now, in fact I almost bought it way back when, then again when the re-print it came into stores whenever that was, maybe '08? And on Film4 they seem to have some kind of nerdfest going on, which I have been tuning into quite a bit.
Well then I got thinking, what is the fascination with heroes? I mean, thinking about it, its escapism isn't it, but I mean, why the balls do I enjoy watching the same generic hero film structure over and over? Ordinary guy, maybe he gets bullied at school, something happens with radiation, he gets superpowers, he beats the crap outta a bunch of people and gets the girl of his dreams.
I don't actually know, so don't expect a solution from me, but if YOU know, then please, feel free.
I also got thinking about why it hasn't happened yet. Like, why haven't people taken shit into their own hands if they like the idea of it so much. Although thinking a little further, the people who enjoy superhero flicks are pasty nerds who wouldn't know sunlight from a bowl of fruit.
So thats why.
In conclusion, I don't know what's wrong with the world. Nothing really. But maybe it'd be a little more awesome if there were some heroes in it, know what I'm saying?
07 March 2009
fml
I agree with Aaron, yesterday WAS a good day. And so was yesterday night, well at least the bit I can remember was good.
I DRUNK TOO MUCH RUM.
I was painfully very hungover, until about 5 when the vomiting stopped, and I had a lovely time, just feeling relaxed, not having to do anything other than pamper myself with delicious hangover cures.
Anyway I haven't blogged in a while, so this is unfamiliar. Thank you Narayan for WATCHMEN. I haven't started reading it yet but I will, maybe before Death Note 2 : the sequel the movie the energy drink the adaptation the movie?
Whatever,
Jay out.
I DRUNK TOO MUCH RUM.
I was painfully very hungover, until about 5 when the vomiting stopped, and I had a lovely time, just feeling relaxed, not having to do anything other than pamper myself with delicious hangover cures.
Anyway I haven't blogged in a while, so this is unfamiliar. Thank you Narayan for WATCHMEN. I haven't started reading it yet but I will, maybe before Death Note 2 : the sequel the movie the energy drink the adaptation the movie?
Whatever,
Jay out.
01 March 2009
In pursuit of the perfect sandwich
Okay so I've been experimenting with different sandwiches lately, you know, throwing together whatever's in the cupboard, or whatever I think would go well together.
I just took a bite of my latest sandwich, and it is delicious. Now, I'm one of those awkward people who neither loves nor hates marmite, but I enjoy eating it, even though it tastes like it belongs in ones ear. Although, today I fancied it, and in the cupboard there was Tesco alternative Yeast Extract (now with added vitamin), so I very lightly toasted 2 slices of brown bread, and then splashed some soy sauce on (no butter), and then proceeded to spread on my Tesco alternative Yeast Extract (now with added vitamin). It is delicious. God knows how, but it just works.
In other news, I downloaded the Resident Evil 5 demo, and although none of you probably care, it was amazing. In fact, I may email Capcom and congratulate them on such a generous demo. Or maybe thats just the Tesco alternative Yeast Extract (now with added vitamin) talking, because there were some flaws with it, but overall I will be buying this game, and I have been pant-wettingly excited about it for some time now.
I watched Death Note on Film4 last night with Aaron on msn. I always like it when 2 people watch the same film and talk about it over the internet, its just nice. Anyway, the film itself was very good, and the anime looks alright too. I can see why Japanese fanboysandgurls make such a big fuss about it.
Speaking of geek. Watchmen is out on Wednesday, it would be lovely to go on opening night, but I think I am going the week after, which is awesome none the less. It looks like they really put the effort into this film, which is very relieving, because usually on big chances like this, they fuck up monumentally, or just don't pay attention to little things, which ruin it for the avid fans/massive nerds. They actually hired a scientist to work out if and how all the shit would work. And the director of photography actually used the famed graphic novel as a reference to how the whole thing will look, which I am unbelievably happy with, because as we all know - comics rule. And again, just that attention to detail. Apparently some script changes may not mean its entirely great (they have to cater to everyone, meaning they most likely dumb the whole thing down, flatten the characters and make it predictable and balls) BUT I guess we'll have to wait and see, I will remain optimistic.
The Watchmen crew is so nerdy it hurts:
Zack Snyder is directing, he also did the Dawn of the Dead remake. The guy who did the cinematography for Lost is doing it for Watchmen. The editor has previously worked on Fantastic Four 1&2 and I, Robot. The producers have worked on films like Hellboy, Tomb Raider, Predator, Timecop and The Dark Knight. And here comes the holy shit moment - David Hayter, the guy who voiced freaking SNAKE in the Metal Gear Solid games is doing the screenplay. I think I am having a nerdgasm. This is just too much.
You stay nerdy, San Diego
I just took a bite of my latest sandwich, and it is delicious. Now, I'm one of those awkward people who neither loves nor hates marmite, but I enjoy eating it, even though it tastes like it belongs in ones ear. Although, today I fancied it, and in the cupboard there was Tesco alternative Yeast Extract (now with added vitamin), so I very lightly toasted 2 slices of brown bread, and then splashed some soy sauce on (no butter), and then proceeded to spread on my Tesco alternative Yeast Extract (now with added vitamin). It is delicious. God knows how, but it just works.
In other news, I downloaded the Resident Evil 5 demo, and although none of you probably care, it was amazing. In fact, I may email Capcom and congratulate them on such a generous demo. Or maybe thats just the Tesco alternative Yeast Extract (now with added vitamin) talking, because there were some flaws with it, but overall I will be buying this game, and I have been pant-wettingly excited about it for some time now.
I watched Death Note on Film4 last night with Aaron on msn. I always like it when 2 people watch the same film and talk about it over the internet, its just nice. Anyway, the film itself was very good, and the anime looks alright too. I can see why Japanese fanboysandgurls make such a big fuss about it.
Speaking of geek. Watchmen is out on Wednesday, it would be lovely to go on opening night, but I think I am going the week after, which is awesome none the less. It looks like they really put the effort into this film, which is very relieving, because usually on big chances like this, they fuck up monumentally, or just don't pay attention to little things, which ruin it for the avid fans/massive nerds. They actually hired a scientist to work out if and how all the shit would work. And the director of photography actually used the famed graphic novel as a reference to how the whole thing will look, which I am unbelievably happy with, because as we all know - comics rule. And again, just that attention to detail. Apparently some script changes may not mean its entirely great (they have to cater to everyone, meaning they most likely dumb the whole thing down, flatten the characters and make it predictable and balls) BUT I guess we'll have to wait and see, I will remain optimistic.
The Watchmen crew is so nerdy it hurts:
Zack Snyder is directing, he also did the Dawn of the Dead remake. The guy who did the cinematography for Lost is doing it for Watchmen. The editor has previously worked on Fantastic Four 1&2 and I, Robot. The producers have worked on films like Hellboy, Tomb Raider, Predator, Timecop and The Dark Knight. And here comes the holy shit moment - David Hayter, the guy who voiced freaking SNAKE in the Metal Gear Solid games is doing the screenplay. I think I am having a nerdgasm. This is just too much.
You stay nerdy, San Diego
23 February 2009
Curse of the Nines
Everyone dies. Actually, can I start that again? Everyone deserves a death. Mortality is what it is to be alive. Death is just part of being human. When I was a kid I always had this idea that I'd go out in some awesome, action packed pirate related circumstance on 9/9/09, no less. (I guess the date could be right!) But I suppose it just happens, you can't choose how or when, its just something thats decided for you. I'm not here to say 'Don't do this' or 'Stop being like that', in fact I don't even want you to listen, I just want to write down what I feel I need to because if it does disappear to the ether then I'd like it to be remembered somehow. I know you've heard the same stuff a thousand times, but maybe it is something I need to say. Just value life! Value every single second of it. Because my God is it short. Why do we treat days like days, when we could treat them like weeks? Treat life properly, don't do what I'm doing, I guess is what I'm trying to say.
Some people are afraid of death, me? No. I'm more terrified than afraid. But why? I don't really understand how someone can be afraid of something which is part of who they are? Something that will happen as sure as the sun will rise or our heart will beat. I would say it is a fear of the unknown, but humans are instinctively inquisitive, we always want to know 'whats under that rock', or 'what happens if I do this', so why not the same with death? People never usually like to talk about death, its one of those things that doesn't really tend to pop up in conversation, a lot of people are offended by the concept of it. But I have always seemed to be the one to spark it up. I just wonder, like everyone I suppose, is there somewhere we go? Is it heaven or hell? Is it reincarnation? Darkness? Nothing? I am not afraid of dying, that's a given, I'm more afraid of death. I'm afraid of the judgement, what if I haven't done the right things or been the right person? Well, maybe I am more afraid of the fact that there may be no judgement, just.... nothing.
Is there a right thing to do? How do you prepare for this? Religion? Should it be treated like accepting an addiction? Or does it just happen, catching you unaware? But if that is the case then what if your last thought is the wrong one? What if you're scratching your balls or drinking alcohol? There is no way to prepare, is there? I guess you just wait, but what kind of a life is that? Living for death is not any way to live. Its like this game I have, Ocarina of Time. I love it, but I will never finish it. Not because its hard, just because I don't want it to end. I'm not playing to finish it, I'm playing it for the enjoyment of playing it. Its the same with life, I don't live to die, I live to be alive. I just worry about these things, little things really. I mean death isn't the worst thing, death should never be hidden from or feared, it should be just one of those things that happens, another adventure in your life, not even an ending, a sunset is still only the start of the night, after all.
Death is just one of those things which is undefinable. You have to experience it yourself to know. I don't think death should be so heavily associated with religion. Like, 'If you die, you will go to hell unless you're a devoted Christian' or something. I think that instead of being born into a religion and almost brainwashed into one narrowminded way of life, we should each be able to choose what we want, take me for example. I wouldn't say my family are religious, but I think everyone in it would like to beleive there is something else, a guiding force, a heaven, etc., but its not any kind of devotion really, they don't go to church, or even pray, they all drink, but deep down they all think there is a greater force. When I was young I was a complete atheist, but then I kind of adopted a more spiritual point of view, I learned to be more open-minded to everything, and it changed me, it really did. I'd like to say for the better, but I guess thats relative depending on whats 'right'. When I say spiritual, I don't mean 'oh i believe in ghosts and magic and flowers' I mean like, fatalism, destiny, like religion but mixed with evolution, it changes quite frequently depending on what happens to me, which I think is the best way really - nothing should stay static.
But because I'm only taking morals and philosophies from other places, I've never really got round to thinking through what happens after death. I just can't seem to wrap my head around it. Everything else, yeah, I'll sit there and I'll think about something until it makes sense, but death is just something that's never clicked.
Maybe it's just like before we were born. Nobody knows what it was like before birth, hell I don't even know what happened up until I was about 2 or something. Maybe death is like an undoing of that. Maybe we just slip back into that state, whatever that was. Or maybe it was nothing. Just drift off into the void, not consious to anything, not even unconcious. Just nothing.
Or maybe it is some kind of creative... fountain. We all just fuel the future, shape the world, we are inspiration, we are life. Or maybe we are, collectively, God. Or maybe death invites us to become Gods, sculpting the lives of others, so that we can help with our experiences and advice at hand.
Maybe death happens because we finally accept it. Maybe the moment that we discover what it means, what there is beyond life, then we die. Or maybe the information is so incredibly powerful that we just die, in complete ecstacy that we finally know.
As I said, it is not important, just like wondering how the sun rises isn't important - its just nice, it happens. I don't need to know how it happens to enjoy it, but being human means I do.
Some people are afraid of death, me? No. I'm more terrified than afraid. But why? I don't really understand how someone can be afraid of something which is part of who they are? Something that will happen as sure as the sun will rise or our heart will beat. I would say it is a fear of the unknown, but humans are instinctively inquisitive, we always want to know 'whats under that rock', or 'what happens if I do this', so why not the same with death? People never usually like to talk about death, its one of those things that doesn't really tend to pop up in conversation, a lot of people are offended by the concept of it. But I have always seemed to be the one to spark it up. I just wonder, like everyone I suppose, is there somewhere we go? Is it heaven or hell? Is it reincarnation? Darkness? Nothing? I am not afraid of dying, that's a given, I'm more afraid of death. I'm afraid of the judgement, what if I haven't done the right things or been the right person? Well, maybe I am more afraid of the fact that there may be no judgement, just.... nothing.
Is there a right thing to do? How do you prepare for this? Religion? Should it be treated like accepting an addiction? Or does it just happen, catching you unaware? But if that is the case then what if your last thought is the wrong one? What if you're scratching your balls or drinking alcohol? There is no way to prepare, is there? I guess you just wait, but what kind of a life is that? Living for death is not any way to live. Its like this game I have, Ocarina of Time. I love it, but I will never finish it. Not because its hard, just because I don't want it to end. I'm not playing to finish it, I'm playing it for the enjoyment of playing it. Its the same with life, I don't live to die, I live to be alive. I just worry about these things, little things really. I mean death isn't the worst thing, death should never be hidden from or feared, it should be just one of those things that happens, another adventure in your life, not even an ending, a sunset is still only the start of the night, after all.
Death is just one of those things which is undefinable. You have to experience it yourself to know. I don't think death should be so heavily associated with religion. Like, 'If you die, you will go to hell unless you're a devoted Christian' or something. I think that instead of being born into a religion and almost brainwashed into one narrowminded way of life, we should each be able to choose what we want, take me for example. I wouldn't say my family are religious, but I think everyone in it would like to beleive there is something else, a guiding force, a heaven, etc., but its not any kind of devotion really, they don't go to church, or even pray, they all drink, but deep down they all think there is a greater force. When I was young I was a complete atheist, but then I kind of adopted a more spiritual point of view, I learned to be more open-minded to everything, and it changed me, it really did. I'd like to say for the better, but I guess thats relative depending on whats 'right'. When I say spiritual, I don't mean 'oh i believe in ghosts and magic and flowers' I mean like, fatalism, destiny, like religion but mixed with evolution, it changes quite frequently depending on what happens to me, which I think is the best way really - nothing should stay static.
But because I'm only taking morals and philosophies from other places, I've never really got round to thinking through what happens after death. I just can't seem to wrap my head around it. Everything else, yeah, I'll sit there and I'll think about something until it makes sense, but death is just something that's never clicked.
Maybe it's just like before we were born. Nobody knows what it was like before birth, hell I don't even know what happened up until I was about 2 or something. Maybe death is like an undoing of that. Maybe we just slip back into that state, whatever that was. Or maybe it was nothing. Just drift off into the void, not consious to anything, not even unconcious. Just nothing.
Or maybe it is some kind of creative... fountain. We all just fuel the future, shape the world, we are inspiration, we are life. Or maybe we are, collectively, God. Or maybe death invites us to become Gods, sculpting the lives of others, so that we can help with our experiences and advice at hand.
Maybe death happens because we finally accept it. Maybe the moment that we discover what it means, what there is beyond life, then we die. Or maybe the information is so incredibly powerful that we just die, in complete ecstacy that we finally know.
As I said, it is not important, just like wondering how the sun rises isn't important - its just nice, it happens. I don't need to know how it happens to enjoy it, but being human means I do.
21 February 2009
Typety Typety Hitchcock Coursework Typety Type.
I would recommend not viewing the film 'Rear Widow' by Alfred Hitcock.
Definitely not what I wanted.
Definitely not what I wanted.
Anosmia
Firstly, thank you Ruth for following/stalking my blog. I think you made it a bit uneasy though, maybe drop the nightvision goggles? I clicked follow on yours a while back now, but I think I must've clicked cancel instead of ok. Thats because I'm cool, see.
Ok so this is the part where I say something interesting.
It probably sucks to have anosmia (I say probably because yes - I do have it, but no - I don't know what its like to not have it), but I suppose it does suck, having to live in mystery of what things smell like. Maybe it's contributed to who I am today. I've always thought upbringing is suer important in who you become, and its little things like that which do the trick. Anyway its pretty okay.
I'm lucky really, only losing smell/some taste. Could be worse. Could be much worse! If you're interested in a theory, I have a pretty cool one which sounds like its straight out of a comicbook.
How do I format this so its like I'm telling an anecdote at a bar... how about this?
Ok so this is the part where I say something interesting.
It probably sucks to have anosmia (I say probably because yes - I do have it, but no - I don't know what its like to not have it), but I suppose it does suck, having to live in mystery of what things smell like. Maybe it's contributed to who I am today. I've always thought upbringing is suer important in who you become, and its little things like that which do the trick. Anyway its pretty okay.
I'm lucky really, only losing smell/some taste. Could be worse. Could be much worse! If you're interested in a theory, I have a pretty cool one which sounds like its straight out of a comicbook.
How do I format this so its like I'm telling an anecdote at a bar... how about this?
"So it was 19 years ago, pretty much to the day, and my Mum and Dad went to the hospital so that she could have one of the biggest X-Rays ever. If there was like, a chart of X-Rays and the strengths they are, this would be at the top. Or maybe the bottom, depending on how they were sorted. Could be in the middle if its alphabetised. So they both go on in, and she has the X-Ray, that big one, and they get the results back soon enough, and they get called into this room thing. I don't really know, I wasn't there at the time. Well actually I was. This is from memory. So yeah I'm a foetus. Anyway, they asked them both 'were you expecting some awesome kind of baby called future jamie?' and they were all like 'nah blud' and the Doctors were like 'truth dawg'. And then there was this silence. 'What do we do?' Abortion was their only answer 'Fuck that we ain't getting sued for this shit' I remember the Doctors being so helpful. But basically, if I wasn't disabled or some shit, I'd be dead from childhood leukemia before I was 10. I don't blame them, I'm just glad they were arrogant enough for my parents to ignor what they had to say. Sure I was an accident, but I'm glad I lived to tell the tale. And that is my tale.
With the scars to prove it."
Great now I can't get out of blockquote. Well thats it, one day my foetus might tell you part 2, which may be linked to part one! Not even I know for sure!
20 February 2009
I've been up here all night thinking about this, thinking about my destiny.
I stayed up last night. Just thinking. Trying to fix this, trying to win back some mental normality on this situation I've found myself in.
I know everyone has problems, and I'm not usually one to moan, because I equally know that a lot of the time, problems aren't really problems at all, they're just teenage hormones making something out of nothing, making people think 'I'm the only one, no one has it as bad as me'. I know I could never be like that, but nevertheless, this is a problem. This is one of those problems which is a problem. Please forgive me if I moan.
So I thought, last night. It lead to me being very... not ok. I'm never not ok. In fact, look at me, I can barely even bring myself to say how I was feeling, let alone talk about why. But anyway, suffice to say that it was unsettling, so I stayed up until I sorted myself out, because I'm better than that.
I kind of stopped when I imagined what it'd be like in hindsight, looking back from when this is all over and then I suddenly realised that maybe I should listen to all the advice I given to other people. So I did.
And for your information I am a fucking genius.
Even if I did get myself into this mess in the first place. I shall reap what I have sown.
I will be forever haunted by myself, telling me to man it the fuck out.
p.s. I want to tell you everything.
I know everyone has problems, and I'm not usually one to moan, because I equally know that a lot of the time, problems aren't really problems at all, they're just teenage hormones making something out of nothing, making people think 'I'm the only one, no one has it as bad as me'. I know I could never be like that, but nevertheless, this is a problem. This is one of those problems which is a problem. Please forgive me if I moan.
So I thought, last night. It lead to me being very... not ok. I'm never not ok. In fact, look at me, I can barely even bring myself to say how I was feeling, let alone talk about why. But anyway, suffice to say that it was unsettling, so I stayed up until I sorted myself out, because I'm better than that.
I kind of stopped when I imagined what it'd be like in hindsight, looking back from when this is all over and then I suddenly realised that maybe I should listen to all the advice I given to other people. So I did.
And for your information I am a fucking genius.
Even if I did get myself into this mess in the first place. I shall reap what I have sown.
I will be forever haunted by myself, telling me to man it the fuck out.
p.s. I want to tell you everything.
Smalltalk is a fickle bitch
Dear pedestrians,
I want to just talk and talk and talk, but it'd be weird, and there aren't many people who actually want to hear anything other than 'yeah I'm good thanks', and only ask to look like they care, to try and make some sort of conversation in an otherwise dry rendezvous. What if its a lie? What if you're not good? If you say something like 'been better' or 'no', they maybe ask why, and maybe the thought 'what an emo' pops into their head. Then you'd have to tell them, but what if its something you don't think they should hear? What if you know how devistating it might be if they hear. Or... are you just being big-headed? 'aw its nothing really!' Saved - you got off lightly, and the worst they think of you is that you're a little depressed or moany. I guess I've never been a fan of smalltalk, but I've stayed loyal to it all these years. Why? Because its easy. People don't like difficult, people are lazy by default. So society gets what society made - a homogenous, dull, unified average. Just because its easier. I guess I've always been one for smalltalk and bottling it up, but I have good reasons, and they're not just laziness! One day you will all find out, hopefully not in the worst way. I will discuss this in another blog, but I'd love to stay fairly ambiguous.
I think too much, but can you blame me?
I want to just talk and talk and talk, but it'd be weird, and there aren't many people who actually want to hear anything other than 'yeah I'm good thanks', and only ask to look like they care, to try and make some sort of conversation in an otherwise dry rendezvous. What if its a lie? What if you're not good? If you say something like 'been better' or 'no', they maybe ask why, and maybe the thought 'what an emo' pops into their head. Then you'd have to tell them, but what if its something you don't think they should hear? What if you know how devistating it might be if they hear. Or... are you just being big-headed? 'aw its nothing really!' Saved - you got off lightly, and the worst they think of you is that you're a little depressed or moany. I guess I've never been a fan of smalltalk, but I've stayed loyal to it all these years. Why? Because its easy. People don't like difficult, people are lazy by default. So society gets what society made - a homogenous, dull, unified average. Just because its easier. I guess I've always been one for smalltalk and bottling it up, but I have good reasons, and they're not just laziness! One day you will all find out, hopefully not in the worst way. I will discuss this in another blog, but I'd love to stay fairly ambiguous.
I think too much, but can you blame me?
19 February 2009
Je suis un monstre
What have I become.
I don't care about anything.
Sympathy, no.
Empathy, definatly not.
This is of my own doing.
I don't care about anything.
Sympathy, no.
Empathy, definatly not.
This is of my own doing.
14 February 2009
11 February 2009
10 February 2009
Blogo
Dear Internet,
I made a new blog logo, and I am coining the phrase 'Blogo' to describe them. My blog has changed a lot lately, probably to do with me changing too, although I'm not sure if its bad or good.
Whatever.
I finally decided on a production name, just a bit of fun really but 'Alphabet Success!' isn't taken and it has a fairly nice ring to it.
To be honest Internet, I don't know what I blog about, ever. I just feel the need to blog and then improvise. I feel like a typical teenager typing everything wrong, wrong grammer, using ellipses in all the wrong places... with the title being 'FRIST BLOg!!111', and with content something like 'errm... im bord i duno wot 2 rite... blogs r stupod... x'.
Don't get me wrong, I love ellipses as much as the next guy, and I get bored quite often! But be reasonable!
Anyway I lost my point. No wait, there wasn't one.
It'd be nice to do something, like a few new comics, get back into it after so long. I need to sketch up the first page of Happy Deathday for me and teh new artist to work on, I'd also like to start Totally Socrates! again, because although it sucks a lot, it was fun to do, and helped me to not keep the crazy bottled up. I need to get work out the way first - got a 10 minute FMP presentation to write, and.. 1 page to colour for this week, I might ask for some pages early so I can go to a week long man-off with one of my friends and a bunch of other people. Men. Avid Powerthirst-drinkers.
*Tea interval*
I should be getting up supa early to be working on my super secret project which no one knows about but its the only actual realistic one be likely to do anything for me. I will try and change my entire sleep pattern, in fact I'd like to try the XKCD method of adding an hour each day, taking it from the next just for teh lulz. I'd try and find the comic but I'll be honest and say that I don't want to.
Jogging would be good for me, I might do it. Also I'd like to film more stuff, I guess. I'd like to get into writing a bit more too, I used to write shit loads essays about theories and whatnot, back when I was clever and al that. Interesting stuff really, even if it is me saying it. I hated having such a busy mind it back then, but now I kind of miss it, I wonder why it went away and when it will come back?
Hmm I just had an hour and a half conversation with my mum about work and university, thats a long time for a conversation, but it was nice to be a little bit opinionated and stuff. Good. I think I made the right choice in what I did, in going into work to see whats what before (if I ever) I go to uni, just because of the field I'm going into really, its rather changable. I know theres some kind of economic fuckover, but hey it'll be even more impressive when I do shit when its all happening won't it. Yeah it will!
It'd be really nice to have some things by the end of the year I can just say 'I did that', not only for a portfolio, but for myself. There are the obvious things which will hopefully amount to something, albeit something small, but something, and I have my own personal targets too. Its nice, gotta have something to look forward to, to work towards.
I'd actually love to keep blogging, I've just got into it now. I didn't think it'd go anywhere, but then it did so maybe I'll continue this conversation another time!
I'll give you a clichéd 'congrats for getting this far!' and a rushed goodbye.
Warmest Regards,
Jamie Smith, from the internet
I made a new blog logo, and I am coining the phrase 'Blogo' to describe them. My blog has changed a lot lately, probably to do with me changing too, although I'm not sure if its bad or good.
Whatever.
I finally decided on a production name, just a bit of fun really but 'Alphabet Success!' isn't taken and it has a fairly nice ring to it.
To be honest Internet, I don't know what I blog about, ever. I just feel the need to blog and then improvise. I feel like a typical teenager typing everything wrong, wrong grammer, using ellipses in all the wrong places... with the title being 'FRIST BLOg!!111', and with content something like 'errm... im bord i duno wot 2 rite... blogs r stupod... x'.
Don't get me wrong, I love ellipses as much as the next guy, and I get bored quite often! But be reasonable!
Anyway I lost my point. No wait, there wasn't one.
It'd be nice to do something, like a few new comics, get back into it after so long. I need to sketch up the first page of Happy Deathday for me and teh new artist to work on, I'd also like to start Totally Socrates! again, because although it sucks a lot, it was fun to do, and helped me to not keep the crazy bottled up. I need to get work out the way first - got a 10 minute FMP presentation to write, and.. 1 page to colour for this week, I might ask for some pages early so I can go to a week long man-off with one of my friends and a bunch of other people. Men. Avid Powerthirst-drinkers.
*Tea interval*
I should be getting up supa early to be working on my super secret project which no one knows about but its the only actual realistic one be likely to do anything for me. I will try and change my entire sleep pattern, in fact I'd like to try the XKCD method of adding an hour each day, taking it from the next just for teh lulz. I'd try and find the comic but I'll be honest and say that I don't want to.
Jogging would be good for me, I might do it. Also I'd like to film more stuff, I guess. I'd like to get into writing a bit more too, I used to write shit loads essays about theories and whatnot, back when I was clever and al that. Interesting stuff really, even if it is me saying it. I hated having such a busy mind it back then, but now I kind of miss it, I wonder why it went away and when it will come back?
Hmm I just had an hour and a half conversation with my mum about work and university, thats a long time for a conversation, but it was nice to be a little bit opinionated and stuff. Good. I think I made the right choice in what I did, in going into work to see whats what before (if I ever) I go to uni, just because of the field I'm going into really, its rather changable. I know theres some kind of economic fuckover, but hey it'll be even more impressive when I do shit when its all happening won't it. Yeah it will!
It'd be really nice to have some things by the end of the year I can just say 'I did that', not only for a portfolio, but for myself. There are the obvious things which will hopefully amount to something, albeit something small, but something, and I have my own personal targets too. Its nice, gotta have something to look forward to, to work towards.
I'd actually love to keep blogging, I've just got into it now. I didn't think it'd go anywhere, but then it did so maybe I'll continue this conversation another time!
I'll give you a clichéd 'congrats for getting this far!' and a rushed goodbye.
Warmest Regards,
Jamie Smith, from the internet
09 February 2009
All brewed up and nowhere to go
I have absolutely no tact. If you're mildly afraid of viewpoints then, I'd suggest never to be exposed to the outside world! Or never to read this. It might be sensitive. I'm not sure, because again I have no tact.
I was just thinking, if I died now (or soon) what would happen? I haven't written a will or anything. Who would get all this..?
Maybe I should make this blog a bit more meaningful if it is my only real legacy.
**it should probably be noted that Totally Socrates! isn't exactly the dearest thing to my name.**
maybe second favourite ;)
I was just thinking, if I died now (or soon) what would happen? I haven't written a will or anything. Who would get all this..?
AWKWARDLY LARGE.
Maybe I should write one. I mean its not like death can't happen, especially to me. And I have a few things to my name, a few things in the works, who would I leave all that shit to? Or would it just disappear into the ether with me? Sure its just ideas and thoughts and a load of pointless stuff that isn't worth more than maybe 10 grand, but its... its me... and I'd hate to think that all this had been a waste, only to culminate in some people going to my funeral and then mourning me for a bit. Come on, thats not even very useful to anyone. I wouldn't really like to be remembered for anything in particular, it'd just be nice to be remembered; continued; to have things picked up where I left off. I know I'm not the most interesting or talented person, and I know I haven't made as much of a lasting impression to anyone as some people may expect, but it just feels like I haven't done anything yet, and it'd be a shame for everything to just stop, just because I did, especially just before it even starts.Maybe I should make this blog a bit more meaningful if it is my only real legacy.
Would it be cool with everyone if I haunted them?
**it should probably be noted that Totally Socrates! isn't exactly the dearest thing to my name.**
maybe second favourite ;)
08 February 2009
07 February 2009
I've got a slice of the internet and I'm not sure where to go.
I apologise.
For everything.
Just in case.
For everything.
Just in case.
06 February 2009
01 February 2009
Alphabet Success!
Nothing new has really happened lately, but I feel the need to blog on a near continuous basis just to increase the chances I say something thats interesting, or worthwhile.
Going on holiday (sorry not holiday, 'educational break') to Prague tomorrow for a few days, so that should be fun. Early early early start may not be so fun, but I'm kind of used to them these days, and I guess I do love that '4 am holiday' feeling.
I'm so bored.
I'm so boring.
I should pack.
Going on holiday (sorry not holiday, 'educational break') to Prague tomorrow for a few days, so that should be fun. Early early early start may not be so fun, but I'm kind of used to them these days, and I guess I do love that '4 am holiday' feeling.
I'm so bored.
I'm so boring.
I should pack.
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