Teachers

I would like to talk to you about some various teachers. I was originally going to just write a sentance about the first guy, but then memories came flooding back and I couldn't stop. I hope you enjoy this.

My year 4 teacher used to tell us in P.E. that we should start slowing down before the end of the race. I didn't really like him, and I would fucking pelt it to the finish anyway just because I was smarter than him and its obvious. It was a mutual hate really, he called me and idiot and once he caught me playing with that pokédex thing someone brought in for lulz. He also said that my nudey Tombraider posters weren't 'appropriate show and tell', and neither was that wicked bird skull I found. Besides, he threw a chair at Jake Browns head and everyone knew he was crazy. He sat me on the smart table one day by accident and I won everything so he was like 'Oh, maybe I was wrong'.

It was 'pick your own word to learn how to spell and then spell it in a test' day, Me and Max picked Zulu, and a couple of other simple words beginning with Z and he told us off. We taught that motherfucker whats what by stealing a draw full of bluetack and post-it notes didn't we. And I got back my photocopy of the 2 shiny charizards he confiscated. He was the worst teacher ever, and when that year 6 guy threw a log at my head he was just like 'no harm done'.

You know, there was one teacher who got it right. Mr Marshall. He was fucking Hitler with a ballpoint pen. He looked like a proper teacher, you know? But he looked odd. I'll quote Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde when I say:

"He is not easy to describe. There is something wrong with his appearance; something displeasing, something downright detestable. I never saw a man I so disliked, and yet I scarce know why. He must be deformed somewhere; he gives a strong feeling of deformity, although I couldn’t specify the point. He’s an extraordinary-looking man, and yet I really can name nothing out of the way. No, sir; I can make no hand of it; I can’t describe him."

He had this presence too, like this one time when everyone was playing on the field he walked out and it went silent. Dead silent. And this big cloud went over and it was all dark. Man that was so scary I thought he was satan for a moment. And his voice was just... relentless. Never cracked a smile or showed any emotion. Not even when he won that award for being a badass. I hated him so much though. Looking back though he got it right, and I like that. But he confiscated everything. I'm not even generalising that. Pokemon cards, Yo Yo's - okay, you'd expect that. Asthma inhalers and allergy tablets? You can get sent to jail for that. Not him, the law wouldn't dare to cross him.

He reminded me a LOT of a male version of Mrs Olny. Only. Onley. I don't even fucking know but I used to call her Mrs Lonely because she was so mean and obviously didn't ever get any hugs. Scared the shit outta me though - Primary School, year 2 I believe. Yeah, she looked exactly the same as Marshall but with long hair and a dress. She was so fucking mean; the kind of teacher who would bring in a horse whip to teach maths or a sit a gun on the side just to let us know where we stood. I wrote a poem and used the word 'fab' to describe the ice cream. She said it wasn't a real word. My entire poem hinged around that one word and I had to do it again. It was okay, Daniel waited with me because we were bro's, I remember he was wearing that killer whale tee, it was so cool man. I wrote about it. Also in art she gave me detention then called my parents in because in a drawing of our garden, I coloured the tree's purple. They are plum trees, and naturally purple. What a hoe.

Ms. Lee was a babe. She was our reception teacher. I think for every dude in that class Ms. Lee was their first crush. Seems pretty weird now though.

I once had a nightmare that she turned into a tree.

My second crush, incidentally, was Sarah the babysitter. She lived down the street and her dad was a policeman so I TOTALLY HAD TO BACK OFF. (I was like 4 what the hell is this).

There was this teacher in my preschool who I can't remember her name. It so annoying. Mrs Handle? Mrs Crook, Mrs Steerer, Mrs Wheeler? For some reason I want to relate her to a car. Never mind, anyway I met Douglas in preschool and he was a bro of mine until he moved away in year 4 or 5 or something. We were gonna buy a flat together and live in it like awesome. BUT WE HAVEN'T TALKED IN ABOUT 10 YEARS. No matter, because he taught me that its okay to nap in class and that thats what those bean bags were for. In turn I taught him that doing a shit at school is weird. We talked in length about which was weirder - doing a shit, or talking about doing a shit. We hung out all day in this little house thing in the playground which was fun and rebellious. Oh and there was this big old pipe going through a hill, and the preschool had these tiny bikes and we used to try and ride all the way round the inside of the pipe. I don't think either of us ever did it, but imagine how cool it would have been.

Jumping forward to secondary school, Mr Sanderson was cool, he taught me business studies, but also I had to explain to the class all about Pavlov's dog because he was trying to prove I wasn't smart.

I was.

Thinking back, basically all of my teachers thought I was an idiot or retarded but then actually found out I wasn't. Totally interesting - I wasn't bullied by students, I was bullied by teachers!


Lots of Love,
Jamie