jamie

Dear Jamie-lovers,
I really want to write a blog, but lately, words... they just don't seem to express the emotion enough. But still, this is the only place in the world I can write the things I want, without interruption or influence, I don't have to say anything, but I can. This is pure psychological fluid blogging, and it makes me happy even if no one gets anything from it, or even reads it.

So here we go, I'm going to say what I want, and no one can stop me, no one can delete it or try to pretend its not happening, or change the subject or anything. Hell, no one can even judge me because I'm just saying stuff you should know already.

So I'm not really sure how to do this. I could do like a brief history of my life. I could just write reems and reems of emo shit. Or I could just fucking introduce this blog a little more, jesus how much am I writing to avoid actually writing this?

The answer is a lot!

I suppose its just human nature, people ignor the truth sometimes, pretend its alright and stuff, watch movies as a refuge from reality. I'd like to think that most of the time I lead an optimistic life, if I actually think about it, nothing in my life is perfect, some things are the opposite in fact, but still 360 days out of the year, I see nothing but the positives, and negatives that need to be fixed. At the moment its one of the 5.25 days in which I feel a little bit hopeless. Not depressed or sad even, but just... my mind feels so blank on what it should be feeling. Its felt everything it can, and now it just wants to wait.

I like to change my mind a lot. Well maybe thats not the best phrase for it, I like to let my mind evolve. I add, take away and edit my morals and philosophies, which I personally think is much healthier than living by set morals, like religion for example. The evolution of mind comes with thinking too much, which is something I know all too well. I used to be a bit of an insomniac, thinking all night about today yesterday and tomorrow, planning out what I will say to who, what I should have said and what that would have lead to. Now I've just kind of given up, I let life get on with it, and usually I don't even know what I'm saying, I just say it and wait for the outcome.

I was going to mention something earlier, but I dunno if I did, so here it is: It kind of worries me though, if I'm that optimistic, is that bad? Is it like bottling everything up, ignoring stuff? Oh well, I think I'm a lot more normal than I should be thats for shizzle, and I don't think its necessarily a good thing. I need to let the crazy out a little, and its getting increasingly more difficult to do that. The people I used to open up with have drifted apart, and the new people who I concider friends don't know me well enough for me to open up to. Its difficult, where do I go? Who do I talk to? Am I even meant to talk about it? No one else does! Everyone else just hides it away. Christ, I'd fucking love it if someone was as fucked up as me, I know that everyone is, its just... sometimes the truth is too hard. But look at me eh? Annoying people on the internet and everything, truely this is a breakthrough for the human race? I just wish I was close enough to someone to know their problems. Maybe then I would feel a little more normal. A little more like I belonged somewhere, as someone.

I know I'm not the best person in the world, I'm bad at sports, I don't have a very exciting life or a particularly good or interesting taste in music or fashions, I'm pretty basic when it comes to conversation, I often recite the same worn catchphrases and words as a way of escaping conversation because the truth is, no matter what I say, no matter how much my instinct tells me I'm wrong, I don't want friends.

I can't bare to let anyone down, and if people liked me then thats bound to happen. I try my best to be a good friend, I help out people when I can, I can be there just to listen, talk, sometimes I even cheer people up, sometimes I even make them laugh, but some things are out of my hands, and what if one of those things happen, people would be sad - and thats what scares me about having friends.

I know it seems like a stupid way to live, but its the least selfish, even if it doesn't seem like it at the time. Sometimes I'm purposefully a bit horrible just to make someone doubt me as a friend.

I don't know why I'm opening up so much, wait thats a lie.

I'm opening up because of my problems.

Which I will divulge, maybe it'll rub off on someone, who knows.

I feel like I've lived beyond the point of regret and grudges and keeping it all secret. It just seems kind of pointless, I feel more peaceful. Its like that time my friend told me about religion, then apologised because he thought he was trying to rope me in. I said it was fine because I genuinely think that its better to know all the options, so you can choose whats best. Anyway where was I... Yeah well I was probably about to lead onto the real beef. Maybe in a slightly more graceful way, but its all good.

I mentioned it at some point - the last time I cried. It was like, ages ago. Man it really was. I was about 13 or something. It was one of those reasons thats more than a usual bit of crying. It was one of those reasons where you don't know what the hell to think at the time, then you just kind of float around until it hits you. Not for any of the classic reasons though I suppose, I mean not that my problems don't involve all of those - family, friends, relationships, money, all that. But its a little darker I'm afraid. I guess its relative though, so I won't pretend I've got it worst off or anything, cuz lord knows I know some fucked up individuals. But I also know a fair few people who make something out of nothing, or if they do have problems, they don't see the better parts of their life.

There was a time when it would really get to me, seeing people try to kill themselves over... fucking nothing. But now, as I said, I've kind of outlived it. People do what they do, and you can save them from everything but themselves. And I kind of gave up listening, because nobody ever talks.

Anyway, I'm distracting from this way too much. I was about 13 and I was in a quadbiking accident, messed me up good and proper, so I went to the doctors to see what the dealio was. They sent me to the hospital to do the standard procedure. Only I was 13, and I didn't know that that meant taking a bunch of x-rays, CAT scans, endurance tests, breathing tests, the fuckin works - basically naked apart from a baggy hospital gown and socks. Then I was sent to this little room, full of doctors and nurses and attendings, I thought it ws gonna be like scrubs, you know - funny. If you're wondering if it was or not? It totally wasn't! It was scary, the main guy wasn't welcoming at all. And the rest just starred at me. I was treated like a freaking dollar sign. He basically gave me 2 options - 1: get incredibly invasive and life threatening surgery, in which there is a high change you could be left paralysed or dead, 2: die in one of the worst ways imaginable, and worked everything towards 1 message - do what I say or you'll die.

So you can imagine! My life seemed pretty fucked! My options all included death in different amounts of suffering, so it changed the way I looked at things. Suddenly getting home to watch TV seemed a little insignificant, simple things like eating was now for function, not for enjoyment. Although I didn't really seem too affected by it. To meet me, I was a pretty normal guy. My tastes in music or clothes didn't change, I didn't become an emo or anything like that. Although ever since then I wear white a lot lot more. In fact, I bleached my hair for a bit - I was so determined not to slide into becoming some self-harming floppy-haired mascara-wearing cunt, and that was my way of coping. It wasn't so much that I felt like I was going to become that guy, but more that I was scared of becoming him.

I don't like it, but it has had an effect on every part of my life. I find it pretty difficult to socialise sometimes, and relationships are fairly impossible because I have pretty low self-esteem and trust issues to slay a walrus (???). Money is a massive issue with it, because it costs so much just to... keep me alive, I guess, and they've all got money troubles as it is. Its hard on everyone else as well as me, and I hate it. I'm so glad I have people who care enough to try and help me, and I sometimes just think it'd be easier if it had never happened. Its taking its toll on the family too. Not that I really feel that close with any of them, or them with each other for that matter. Obviously my health is affected, its difficult for me to get a job, I mean I have been living a 'normal' life so far, and I could get a job, but it's not exactly the best thing for me to do.

I don't like moaning. Pah I'm lying, I love it. But maybe the moral of the story here is that I'd probably be moaning regardless, but about nothing. Wait, maybe this is nothing. I should stop moaning!

Huh.


Jamie