HI I'M JAMIE, ALTHOUGH I'M OFTEN REFERRED TO BY THE ARABIC NAME 'JAMIR'. I HAVE DELUSIONS OF GRANDEUR AND STRONG LINKS WITH THE MIDDLE EAST. I HAVE A LARGE KNOWLEDGE OF EXPLOSIVES AND WORK WELL IN A TEAM OR ALONE. I HOPE CONSIDER THIS WHEN YOU HIRE ME. |
08 September 2009
MY CV
19 August 2009
Teachers
I would like to talk to you about some various teachers. I was originally going to just write a sentance about the first guy, but then memories came flooding back and I couldn't stop. I hope you enjoy this.
My year 4 teacher used to tell us in P.E. that we should start slowing down before the end of the race. I didn't really like him, and I would fucking pelt it to the finish anyway just because I was smarter than him and its obvious. It was a mutual hate really, he called me and idiot and once he caught me playing with that pokédex thing someone brought in for lulz. He also said that my nudey Tombraider posters weren't 'appropriate show and tell', and neither was that wicked bird skull I found. Besides, he threw a chair at Jake Browns head and everyone knew he was crazy. He sat me on the smart table one day by accident and I won everything so he was like 'Oh, maybe I was wrong'.
It was 'pick your own word to learn how to spell and then spell it in a test' day, Me and Max picked Zulu, and a couple of other simple words beginning with Z and he told us off. We taught that motherfucker whats what by stealing a draw full of bluetack and post-it notes didn't we. And I got back my photocopy of the 2 shiny charizards he confiscated. He was the worst teacher ever, and when that year 6 guy threw a log at my head he was just like 'no harm done'.
You know, there was one teacher who got it right. Mr Marshall. He was fucking Hitler with a ballpoint pen. He looked like a proper teacher, you know? But he looked odd. I'll quote Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde when I say:
He reminded me a LOT of a male version of Mrs Olny. Only. Onley. I don't even fucking know but I used to call her Mrs Lonely because she was so mean and obviously didn't ever get any hugs. Scared the shit outta me though - Primary School, year 2 I believe. Yeah, she looked exactly the same as Marshall but with long hair and a dress. She was so fucking mean; the kind of teacher who would bring in a horse whip to teach maths or a sit a gun on the side just to let us know where we stood. I wrote a poem and used the word 'fab' to describe the ice cream. She said it wasn't a real word. My entire poem hinged around that one word and I had to do it again. It was okay, Daniel waited with me because we were bro's, I remember he was wearing that killer whale tee, it was so cool man. I wrote about it. Also in art she gave me detention then called my parents in because in a drawing of our garden, I coloured the tree's purple. They are plum trees, and naturally purple. What a hoe.
Ms. Lee was a babe. She was our reception teacher. I think for every dude in that class Ms. Lee was their first crush. Seems pretty weird now though.
I once had a nightmare that she turned into a tree.
My second crush, incidentally, was Sarah the babysitter. She lived down the street and her dad was a policeman so I TOTALLY HAD TO BACK OFF. (I was like 4 what the hell is this).
There was this teacher in my preschool who I can't remember her name. It so annoying. Mrs Handle? Mrs Crook, Mrs Steerer, Mrs Wheeler? For some reason I want to relate her to a car. Never mind, anyway I met Douglas in preschool and he was a bro of mine until he moved away in year 4 or 5 or something. We were gonna buy a flat together and live in it like awesome. BUT WE HAVEN'T TALKED IN ABOUT 10 YEARS. No matter, because he taught me that its okay to nap in class and that thats what those bean bags were for. In turn I taught him that doing a shit at school is weird. We talked in length about which was weirder - doing a shit, or talking about doing a shit. We hung out all day in this little house thing in the playground which was fun and rebellious. Oh and there was this big old pipe going through a hill, and the preschool had these tiny bikes and we used to try and ride all the way round the inside of the pipe. I don't think either of us ever did it, but imagine how cool it would have been.
Jumping forward to secondary school, Mr Sanderson was cool, he taught me business studies, but also I had to explain to the class all about Pavlov's dog because he was trying to prove I wasn't smart.
I was.
Thinking back, basically all of my teachers thought I was an idiot or retarded but then actually found out I wasn't. Totally interesting - I wasn't bullied by students, I was bullied by teachers!
Lots of Love,
Jamie
My year 4 teacher used to tell us in P.E. that we should start slowing down before the end of the race. I didn't really like him, and I would fucking pelt it to the finish anyway just because I was smarter than him and its obvious. It was a mutual hate really, he called me and idiot and once he caught me playing with that pokédex thing someone brought in for lulz. He also said that my nudey Tombraider posters weren't 'appropriate show and tell', and neither was that wicked bird skull I found. Besides, he threw a chair at Jake Browns head and everyone knew he was crazy. He sat me on the smart table one day by accident and I won everything so he was like 'Oh, maybe I was wrong'.
It was 'pick your own word to learn how to spell and then spell it in a test' day, Me and Max picked Zulu, and a couple of other simple words beginning with Z and he told us off. We taught that motherfucker whats what by stealing a draw full of bluetack and post-it notes didn't we. And I got back my photocopy of the 2 shiny charizards he confiscated. He was the worst teacher ever, and when that year 6 guy threw a log at my head he was just like 'no harm done'.
You know, there was one teacher who got it right. Mr Marshall. He was fucking Hitler with a ballpoint pen. He looked like a proper teacher, you know? But he looked odd. I'll quote Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde when I say:
"He is not easy to describe. There is something wrong with his appearance; something displeasing, something downright detestable. I never saw a man I so disliked, and yet I scarce know why. He must be deformed somewhere; he gives a strong feeling of deformity, although I couldn’t specify the point. He’s an extraordinary-looking man, and yet I really can name nothing out of the way. No, sir; I can make no hand of it; I can’t describe him."He had this presence too, like this one time when everyone was playing on the field he walked out and it went silent. Dead silent. And this big cloud went over and it was all dark. Man that was so scary I thought he was satan for a moment. And his voice was just... relentless. Never cracked a smile or showed any emotion. Not even when he won that award for being a badass. I hated him so much though. Looking back though he got it right, and I like that. But he confiscated everything. I'm not even generalising that. Pokemon cards, Yo Yo's - okay, you'd expect that. Asthma inhalers and allergy tablets? You can get sent to jail for that. Not him, the law wouldn't dare to cross him.
He reminded me a LOT of a male version of Mrs Olny. Only. Onley. I don't even fucking know but I used to call her Mrs Lonely because she was so mean and obviously didn't ever get any hugs. Scared the shit outta me though - Primary School, year 2 I believe. Yeah, she looked exactly the same as Marshall but with long hair and a dress. She was so fucking mean; the kind of teacher who would bring in a horse whip to teach maths or a sit a gun on the side just to let us know where we stood. I wrote a poem and used the word 'fab' to describe the ice cream. She said it wasn't a real word. My entire poem hinged around that one word and I had to do it again. It was okay, Daniel waited with me because we were bro's, I remember he was wearing that killer whale tee, it was so cool man. I wrote about it. Also in art she gave me detention then called my parents in because in a drawing of our garden, I coloured the tree's purple. They are plum trees, and naturally purple. What a hoe.
Ms. Lee was a babe. She was our reception teacher. I think for every dude in that class Ms. Lee was their first crush. Seems pretty weird now though.
I once had a nightmare that she turned into a tree.
My second crush, incidentally, was Sarah the babysitter. She lived down the street and her dad was a policeman so I TOTALLY HAD TO BACK OFF. (I was like 4 what the hell is this).
There was this teacher in my preschool who I can't remember her name. It so annoying. Mrs Handle? Mrs Crook, Mrs Steerer, Mrs Wheeler? For some reason I want to relate her to a car. Never mind, anyway I met Douglas in preschool and he was a bro of mine until he moved away in year 4 or 5 or something. We were gonna buy a flat together and live in it like awesome. BUT WE HAVEN'T TALKED IN ABOUT 10 YEARS. No matter, because he taught me that its okay to nap in class and that thats what those bean bags were for. In turn I taught him that doing a shit at school is weird. We talked in length about which was weirder - doing a shit, or talking about doing a shit. We hung out all day in this little house thing in the playground which was fun and rebellious. Oh and there was this big old pipe going through a hill, and the preschool had these tiny bikes and we used to try and ride all the way round the inside of the pipe. I don't think either of us ever did it, but imagine how cool it would have been.
Jumping forward to secondary school, Mr Sanderson was cool, he taught me business studies, but also I had to explain to the class all about Pavlov's dog because he was trying to prove I wasn't smart.
I was.
Thinking back, basically all of my teachers thought I was an idiot or retarded but then actually found out I wasn't. Totally interesting - I wasn't bullied by students, I was bullied by teachers!
Lots of Love,
Jamie
23 June 2009
I stay up so late just so I can experience that abense of sound.
Dear The Internet,
I'm sorry we fell out, I said some harsh things which we both know weren't true. Let's never fight again.
Love Jamie.
P.S
A lot of things are changing right now. I heard from a good friend of mine, I beleive he is a Hindu, that man goes through a major shift at a certain point on the calender, it seems like now is the time. Everyone I know is changing jobs, moving out, leaving college, starting families, starting relationships, ending relationships. Its interesting how it all happens at once. I'm not religious, but I do think there is some truth in some of the basis of religion, you know? I'm open minded, but I do have strong opinions.
I hate sounding preachy, but I feel its worth a mention that I am a very firm believer in the law of attraction. I know I know, it sounds crazy. I sound crazy. Whatever you want to think, I think it works. Hell, I know it works. Not with everything, obviously, ootherwise I would be God. No, but money and opportunity does seem to come very easily to me. That's the only thing I can seem to make work in this world, and funnily enough its the least thing I actually want, I can't seem to get rid of it. Money is a weird thing. Wanting it isn't necessarily bad, but needing it is. The only way to get money is by earning it in some way. Money won in a lottery won't bring you wealth and riches, it'll just bring you hollow money. Wishing for it won't make it come, but once you learn what it really is, it might just come a little bit easier to you. Your life is whatever you make it, and if you make it dependant on money, then you will probably have money problems, or at least perceive them as the worst thing ever.
Moving on, I decided on what I was going to pack the other day, and came to the conclusion that it would be nothing. I am packing nothing. Part of starting a new life is making sacrifices of the old one, and I guess I will. I'll take my laptop and a couple grand walking around money but otherwise I am travelling light. Handluggage only, no bags to check in and a muffin to go.
I think while I'm out there, I will dress ridiculously in my downtime. I guess it's kind of like a quarter-life crisis in a way. I'm comfortable enough just to do what I want, which is something that hasn't happened in a while. Aaron suggested I buy a new look every week, and blog about it. He said it would make it easier to not miss me if he knows I am having fun.
I think this is a marvellous idea.
I am feeling markedly more positive about it now, although I am usually like that with new things. Thank you friends for making it seem not so bad. I am sorry I have been horrible to you, I will miss you but I will not say goodbye.
I will have a lot of time on my hands while I am there, I may need a hobby or two. I will try and write this novel and draw it as well. Just for fun really. I may have to take my camera (video and stills) and use them for work purposes, but I will have fun. I enjoy doing these things, but I want something else too. I'm not really sure. Something fairly free, enjoyable, and with a lot of scope. Might just start playing videogames, watch more movies or listen to music, get some taste and culture.
Well here begins my fashion blog, I will do the real thing on my shiny shiny Tumblr, but here goes!
As soon as I'm getting out there, I am going to buy a watch, a nice watch. An interesting one. And the second I get a postcode, I'm ordering one or two silly hats, and maybe head down to the tailors to get some clothes made or something. Also I would need some shoes, and some smart casual workclothes. Something which says "I'm ready to work, but I'm laid back about the whole ordeal." A novelty piano tie perhaps. Or a t-shirt which a tuxedo design on it. Out of work I'm definitely going to look like I'm from japan and/or gay, but I can live with that. Its the price you pay for looking ridiculous.
I don't have plans to go out, but I do have big plans to do as little work as possible, and spend the entire time just chilling out. The drinking age is 21 out there, and you need a license to drink at home, so I guess party life is off the table. That's a bit of a relief if I'm honest, I know people out there who will destroy my liver before I'm even out of the airport. I won't be far from the beach, and the views from various buildings will be incredible, the culture is so rich out there. I will make the most of it, shake a lot of hands, meet a lot of people, learn the language, eat the meals, see the sights and just live.
I hope you enjoyed this blog.
I'm sorry we fell out, I said some harsh things which we both know weren't true. Let's never fight again.
Love Jamie.
P.S
A lot of things are changing right now. I heard from a good friend of mine, I beleive he is a Hindu, that man goes through a major shift at a certain point on the calender, it seems like now is the time. Everyone I know is changing jobs, moving out, leaving college, starting families, starting relationships, ending relationships. Its interesting how it all happens at once. I'm not religious, but I do think there is some truth in some of the basis of religion, you know? I'm open minded, but I do have strong opinions.
I hate sounding preachy, but I feel its worth a mention that I am a very firm believer in the law of attraction. I know I know, it sounds crazy. I sound crazy. Whatever you want to think, I think it works. Hell, I know it works. Not with everything, obviously, ootherwise I would be God. No, but money and opportunity does seem to come very easily to me. That's the only thing I can seem to make work in this world, and funnily enough its the least thing I actually want, I can't seem to get rid of it. Money is a weird thing. Wanting it isn't necessarily bad, but needing it is. The only way to get money is by earning it in some way. Money won in a lottery won't bring you wealth and riches, it'll just bring you hollow money. Wishing for it won't make it come, but once you learn what it really is, it might just come a little bit easier to you. Your life is whatever you make it, and if you make it dependant on money, then you will probably have money problems, or at least perceive them as the worst thing ever.
Moving on, I decided on what I was going to pack the other day, and came to the conclusion that it would be nothing. I am packing nothing. Part of starting a new life is making sacrifices of the old one, and I guess I will. I'll take my laptop and a couple grand walking around money but otherwise I am travelling light. Handluggage only, no bags to check in and a muffin to go.
I think while I'm out there, I will dress ridiculously in my downtime. I guess it's kind of like a quarter-life crisis in a way. I'm comfortable enough just to do what I want, which is something that hasn't happened in a while. Aaron suggested I buy a new look every week, and blog about it. He said it would make it easier to not miss me if he knows I am having fun.
I think this is a marvellous idea.
I am feeling markedly more positive about it now, although I am usually like that with new things. Thank you friends for making it seem not so bad. I am sorry I have been horrible to you, I will miss you but I will not say goodbye.
I will have a lot of time on my hands while I am there, I may need a hobby or two. I will try and write this novel and draw it as well. Just for fun really. I may have to take my camera (video and stills) and use them for work purposes, but I will have fun. I enjoy doing these things, but I want something else too. I'm not really sure. Something fairly free, enjoyable, and with a lot of scope. Might just start playing videogames, watch more movies or listen to music, get some taste and culture.
Well here begins my fashion blog, I will do the real thing on my shiny shiny Tumblr, but here goes!
As soon as I'm getting out there, I am going to buy a watch, a nice watch. An interesting one. And the second I get a postcode, I'm ordering one or two silly hats, and maybe head down to the tailors to get some clothes made or something. Also I would need some shoes, and some smart casual workclothes. Something which says "I'm ready to work, but I'm laid back about the whole ordeal." A novelty piano tie perhaps. Or a t-shirt which a tuxedo design on it. Out of work I'm definitely going to look like I'm from japan and/or gay, but I can live with that. Its the price you pay for looking ridiculous.
I don't have plans to go out, but I do have big plans to do as little work as possible, and spend the entire time just chilling out. The drinking age is 21 out there, and you need a license to drink at home, so I guess party life is off the table. That's a bit of a relief if I'm honest, I know people out there who will destroy my liver before I'm even out of the airport. I won't be far from the beach, and the views from various buildings will be incredible, the culture is so rich out there. I will make the most of it, shake a lot of hands, meet a lot of people, learn the language, eat the meals, see the sights and just live.
I hope you enjoyed this blog.
17 June 2009
it makes me sick how inactive blogger is now
Yeah I know I said I'd retired from this old sack, but I'm back. Fucking moan about it some more jesus, lets just get this over and done with, neither of us want to be here now do we.
I am such a cunt. I know I usually come on here, have a go at myself, moan about shit, talk about philosophy and all that cunting business, but its true. I am a cunt. I hate myself for it, but no one gets hurt, so it is a very tame addiction I'll give you that. Anyway, it is horrible. Unless something can stop me, I'm going so far away for so long. I'm not even sure if I want to go. Its perfect, yeah. Make a shitload of money, get a house, job, car, and go out drinking every night. Maybe its not the version of perfect that I wanted, but its there for me. I guess I see my life differently to other peoples, I don't know why but it just seems that things like that don't matter too much. I could quite happily live my life out in a flat in milton keynes on minimum wage, as long as I was happy. I think the real thing is just never to mistake being rich for having riches. No one should let money control their life. Money is easy to come by, but other stuff isn't.
If I do go, I'd be set for life, instantly. As soon as I get there probably, I'll be put in my own house, and get straight to fucking OWNING this already set-up company. It really is amazing, just goes to prove that its all based on luck and saying the right things, who you know, not what you know. Truth be told, its nice just to be trusted for once. I'm still not sure if I want it though.
There is nothing for me here in england. I'm not even sorry when I say that. You're all the biggest bunch of letdowns I've met. It doesn't mean I won't miss you more than i miss my family, but it does mean that I wish there was something to miss.
At least there I can start again, make a better first impression, begin my life.
I have no idea what to feel. But I do know that I will miss bacon more than I'll miss this place. I will never look back. I'd like to say you should make the most of me while I'm here, but it'd be pointless. Neither of us want that. I'll just go without saying goodbye and never come back.
And I'm not even sorry.
I am such a cunt. I know I usually come on here, have a go at myself, moan about shit, talk about philosophy and all that cunting business, but its true. I am a cunt. I hate myself for it, but no one gets hurt, so it is a very tame addiction I'll give you that. Anyway, it is horrible. Unless something can stop me, I'm going so far away for so long. I'm not even sure if I want to go. Its perfect, yeah. Make a shitload of money, get a house, job, car, and go out drinking every night. Maybe its not the version of perfect that I wanted, but its there for me. I guess I see my life differently to other peoples, I don't know why but it just seems that things like that don't matter too much. I could quite happily live my life out in a flat in milton keynes on minimum wage, as long as I was happy. I think the real thing is just never to mistake being rich for having riches. No one should let money control their life. Money is easy to come by, but other stuff isn't.
If I do go, I'd be set for life, instantly. As soon as I get there probably, I'll be put in my own house, and get straight to fucking OWNING this already set-up company. It really is amazing, just goes to prove that its all based on luck and saying the right things, who you know, not what you know. Truth be told, its nice just to be trusted for once. I'm still not sure if I want it though.
There is nothing for me here in england. I'm not even sorry when I say that. You're all the biggest bunch of letdowns I've met. It doesn't mean I won't miss you more than i miss my family, but it does mean that I wish there was something to miss.
At least there I can start again, make a better first impression, begin my life.
I have no idea what to feel. But I do know that I will miss bacon more than I'll miss this place. I will never look back. I'd like to say you should make the most of me while I'm here, but it'd be pointless. Neither of us want that. I'll just go without saying goodbye and never come back.
And I'm not even sorry.
28 May 2009
false alarm before. but THIS is my final blog
I am not going to be friends with any of you any more, but if I sort myself out in a few years, we should totally hang.
Its not you, its me.
Its not you, its me.
delicious. might stick the original transformers on. THEN WATCH THE REMAKE WHO KNOWS WHERE THE NIGHT WILL TAKE ME.
I've been trying to write a blog for days. But I don't know what that blog will contain exactly, all I know is that it will be magical. This is not that blog. But I really need to just write. I have a feeling that no one actually reads my blog though, so it seems pointless.
I think its a given that this will be a whiny blog, and after this I dunno if I will blog ever again, its a complete waste.
I can't complain, my life is pretty shibby you know? Apart from like 1 thing, which has completely destroyed me, but its all fine though isn't it? Can't let 1 thing ruin my life, right? I guess its human nature to just blame things on someone or something, so thats not what i'm going to do, because being human is silly. I do blame myself. But I know that is ridiculous. So I do not. Although I am a firm believer that we have a hella lot more power over our lives than we think, so deep down I do blame myself, for so many things.
Yeah hi, I have no self-esteem, I thought we met!
So today was alright! Filmed possibly the last thing we're ever going to film. Ever?! I couldn't stop thinking though, I was just worried more than anything. So very worried about the future. I don't necessarily want to talk about it and I just want to be alone, so thats what I am going to do. If you want to talk to me, I'll be appearing offline pretty much constantly. Or will I? Whatever, if you're not reading this right now, then you don't deserve to know, and you won't. And we will never ever speak again. Unless you're max - you're cool max and I know you don't read this blog but I think one day we should just elope you know? Man, being gay is an option isn't it. Wait no thats even worse. God damn shit is hard, you know what'd be cool? Ahh you probably already fucking know!
That last part was directed at all of you! All both of you readers!
Sometimes I think about how it'd be nice to have not lost contact with people who live down the street. I'm not even sure any more. I just prefer to be alone. All the time. Sorry.
At least the doctors were slightly wrong though, and I won. Yay me! Still, I need to either be my own psychologist, or go to one. But I don't like professionals. Or doctors. Or people. Or going outside. Or talking to people. Or sitting in chairs. Plus that shit is expensive, on top of everything else man. I can't, its not fair on anyone.
I just realised this has turned into less of an address to readers, and more of a peer into the mind of me, (cept you're wearing a blindfold). Are all my blogs like that? Yes probably. I don't think, I just type. I'm like that in real life sometimes too - I often just start a sentance with no idea where it will go. The favourites are 'I think...' *whatever pops into my head*, and 'I..' *whatever pops into my head*.
Fantastic. Last blog ever. I did not have fun. Time to be even more of a recluse. If anyone wants me I'll be in the fetal position!
BUT HEY AT LEAST I'M NOT DEAD GUYS WOO!
I think its a given that this will be a whiny blog, and after this I dunno if I will blog ever again, its a complete waste.
I can't complain, my life is pretty shibby you know? Apart from like 1 thing, which has completely destroyed me, but its all fine though isn't it? Can't let 1 thing ruin my life, right? I guess its human nature to just blame things on someone or something, so thats not what i'm going to do, because being human is silly. I do blame myself. But I know that is ridiculous. So I do not. Although I am a firm believer that we have a hella lot more power over our lives than we think, so deep down I do blame myself, for so many things.
Yeah hi, I have no self-esteem, I thought we met!
So today was alright! Filmed possibly the last thing we're ever going to film. Ever?! I couldn't stop thinking though, I was just worried more than anything. So very worried about the future. I don't necessarily want to talk about it and I just want to be alone, so thats what I am going to do. If you want to talk to me, I'll be appearing offline pretty much constantly. Or will I? Whatever, if you're not reading this right now, then you don't deserve to know, and you won't. And we will never ever speak again. Unless you're max - you're cool max and I know you don't read this blog but I think one day we should just elope you know? Man, being gay is an option isn't it. Wait no thats even worse. God damn shit is hard, you know what'd be cool? Ahh you probably already fucking know!
That last part was directed at all of you! All both of you readers!
Sometimes I think about how it'd be nice to have not lost contact with people who live down the street. I'm not even sure any more. I just prefer to be alone. All the time. Sorry.
At least the doctors were slightly wrong though, and I won. Yay me! Still, I need to either be my own psychologist, or go to one. But I don't like professionals. Or doctors. Or people. Or going outside. Or talking to people. Or sitting in chairs. Plus that shit is expensive, on top of everything else man. I can't, its not fair on anyone.
I just realised this has turned into less of an address to readers, and more of a peer into the mind of me, (cept you're wearing a blindfold). Are all my blogs like that? Yes probably. I don't think, I just type. I'm like that in real life sometimes too - I often just start a sentance with no idea where it will go. The favourites are 'I think...' *whatever pops into my head*, and 'I..' *whatever pops into my head*.
Fantastic. Last blog ever. I did not have fun. Time to be even more of a recluse. If anyone wants me I'll be in the fetal position!
BUT HEY AT LEAST I'M NOT DEAD GUYS WOO!
20 May 2009
Read this if you want to know more about me
I want to write a massive blog, I do, I do.
Maybe I'll do a bullet point thing like I did that time, but maybe throw in some lovely things about me.
Monday was awesome. As Aaron said, It was one of those days where you do nothing but feel so good about it. Tuesday, I wasn't sure was so great. There was nothing wrong with it really, I just didn't feel as positive as I did the day before. Nothing was different, I didn't lose or gain anything, but I did feel slighty demoralised. Weird how life is so dependant on little choices and feelings.
I do like take aways though. I think its something about the tiny community of it. It brings people together, its kind of symbolic in a way.
Hostility from me is either acceptance as a friend, or I think we're becoming friends and it scares me, because I know theres a possiblity I could let you down.
As some people found out today, I am a fan of ice hockey, and used to play it. Why today? Well this thursday I will be watching NHL on 5. It will either ruin friday, or make it completely awesome.
Which reminds me that I am doing something on friday for a bit. I'm going to cornwall to see some family, and theres like... a wedding? God I should know this. Wedding anniversary? Yeah I think thats it.
Its pretty late, I'm gonna save this and do more tomorrow. Goodnight!
Good morning! I slept for ages, woke up at about 3 and I was still tired. Dunno why, I did stay up to watch Nuggets v Lakers in the playoffs but not really much later than normal. *shrugs*
I keep phasing out a bit, wondering about stuff. It'll blow over and I'll be irrationally happy again in no time. Its just how people work.
Its kind of weird really, I wait all this time for my dream job to come along, and suddenly I've got another dream, and I don't feel as fulfilled as I should. Oh dear!
I'm not entirely sure what my favourite food is. But if I eat something delicious I will usually tell you about it.
I have a few scars. I heard scars are meant to be the badges of bravery, but I tend to see mine as the opposite. I still love em though, heres a list of them. I have a bunch of scars on my legs, all (apart from one) from when I've been drunk, no idea how I got them, but I imagine it wasn't graceful or awesome. A couple of them I'm proud of though, because of the reasons I got them, so thats nice. One of them is from when I was a kid and I fell over a wall being stupid. Theres a nice old dent in there. I have one scar from surgery when I was a kid. Being an idiot again haha, tried (and succeeded) to lift an entire sofa.
Went to hospital the week after for hernia surgery *chuckle*. One nice one under my armpit, again from when I was a kid. One on my middle finger - god knows how I got it, just happened, and bled a lot!
I have 3 things on the wall in front of me - a batman poster I got from Prague, the itinerary from when me Dave and Aaron roadtripped to Staffordshire, and an original 150 Pokémon poster.
Everything I have, I keep for a reason. To remind me of who I was, or where I've been, or what I've done. Its the reason I wear the same shoes every day, its not because I'm poor, its because I don't necessarily think theres any situation new enough to deserve a new pair. I usually buy a new pair of shoes when I feel like I need some. But I often only wear them once or a few times before realising it was just a false alarm.
These points should be more bullet-pointy.
I should also be getting on with work.
When I was a kid, I used to wake up before anyone else to watch the Men in Black cartoon.
I stopped watching the simpsons when I thought I should become more mature, but I realised what a mistake that was after I watched it the other night and I laughed even more than when I was a kid. Its genius.
Sometimes I wish I had the attention span to build a treehouse as a kid. Not so I could use it then, but so I could use it now.
I never wear sunglasses because I'm too concious about damaging my eyes. Although I'll happily spend hours 17cm away from a tv or computer screen every day.
For some reason I know a bit about psychology. Although apparently this doesn't apply in the real world, other than to pick up girls at parties.
I sometimes meditate. Not as a religious thing, just as a wellbeing thing.
Although I treat my body so badly, I'm pretty ridiculously healthy.
I only took an interest in art 2 years ago.
I only took an interest in film 2 months ago.
I love my friends, but sometimes wish we were closer.
I blame myself for drifting apart from my old friends.
I lost and miss all the necklaces I used to have. Especially the one a girl bought me.
I love to walk, get lost, have an adventure.
I don't want college to end, in case its a repeat of school.
No matter how many times they overplay it on ITV2, I will always love Back to the Future.
I usually do things the hard way, just because its more rewarding.
I'm half irish, although I never mention that to girls I like any more in fear that it will culminate in an embarrassingly bad irish accent which puts them off me entirely.
Ever since I was like 5, I've never been able to eat custard, because the first time I did was at school, and it tasted a lot like washing-up liquid.
I don't like it when people use the word the word 'poorly' instead of ill or sick.
I used to get my mum to say 'school' in Gaelic when it was the first day back, because I hated going back after the holidays and hated being reminded.
There was this teacher in reception that all the guys fancied. Upon later inspection of school photographs, she was an uggo.
Sometimes I type in random words or names and put .blogspot.com, and then read through their blogs. I recently did this, and my reaction to this blog made me sure I was going straight to hell.
To tell you the truth, I've never really been that into music.
I once was dragged into plans to blow up the school using a giant mechano dinosaur. I said it was unrealistic and suggested lego as an alternative.
I was told off and my parents were called in because in a portrait of our gardens, I coloured the trees purple. They were plum trees and I was right. In your face missus fatty.
All the smart students in infants school became complete chavs in junior school.
I took guitar lessons for years, even though I knew I wasn't learning anything. I just liked the teacher, and thought it'd help me pick up chicks.
It didn't.
My proudest achievement is still serving a shepards pie to a vegan.
I was once fairly good at swimming.
I didn't learn to ride my bike till I was quite old. I mean not ridiculously old but like, after everyone else anyway.
Sometimes I feel like people are forcing me into goals I don't want.
Sometimes I just want to be left to it.
When I was a kid, I watched every episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer every thursday BBC2 at 6:20 without fail.
Not only did I think Sarah Michelle Gellar was hawt, but she also developed my love of aggressive or competitive girls.
Another show which has made this so is Dark Angel. I'm unsure as to whether this attraction is healthy, but its there none-the-less.
Even though we were too young to drink, my friend Max and I collected bottlecaps, because we both felt like we missed out on having collections like everyone else.
I'm fairly well-travelled.
I actually hate the home-alone movies.
I've only ever bought a few dvd's, almost my entire collection is illegal copies. I don't see the point seeing as they're such good quality.
I'm not sure I've ever bought a physical music album in my entire life.
I'm not really sure what else to say. I guess I'll continue some other time, or like, just ask or whatever.
luv jamie x
Maybe I'll do a bullet point thing like I did that time, but maybe throw in some lovely things about me.
Monday was awesome. As Aaron said, It was one of those days where you do nothing but feel so good about it. Tuesday, I wasn't sure was so great. There was nothing wrong with it really, I just didn't feel as positive as I did the day before. Nothing was different, I didn't lose or gain anything, but I did feel slighty demoralised. Weird how life is so dependant on little choices and feelings.
I do like take aways though. I think its something about the tiny community of it. It brings people together, its kind of symbolic in a way.
Hostility from me is either acceptance as a friend, or I think we're becoming friends and it scares me, because I know theres a possiblity I could let you down.
As some people found out today, I am a fan of ice hockey, and used to play it. Why today? Well this thursday I will be watching NHL on 5. It will either ruin friday, or make it completely awesome.
Which reminds me that I am doing something on friday for a bit. I'm going to cornwall to see some family, and theres like... a wedding? God I should know this. Wedding anniversary? Yeah I think thats it.
Its pretty late, I'm gonna save this and do more tomorrow. Goodnight!
Good morning! I slept for ages, woke up at about 3 and I was still tired. Dunno why, I did stay up to watch Nuggets v Lakers in the playoffs but not really much later than normal. *shrugs*
I keep phasing out a bit, wondering about stuff. It'll blow over and I'll be irrationally happy again in no time. Its just how people work.
Its kind of weird really, I wait all this time for my dream job to come along, and suddenly I've got another dream, and I don't feel as fulfilled as I should. Oh dear!
I'm not entirely sure what my favourite food is. But if I eat something delicious I will usually tell you about it.
I have a few scars. I heard scars are meant to be the badges of bravery, but I tend to see mine as the opposite. I still love em though, heres a list of them. I have a bunch of scars on my legs, all (apart from one) from when I've been drunk, no idea how I got them, but I imagine it wasn't graceful or awesome. A couple of them I'm proud of though, because of the reasons I got them, so thats nice. One of them is from when I was a kid and I fell over a wall being stupid. Theres a nice old dent in there. I have one scar from surgery when I was a kid. Being an idiot again haha, tried (and succeeded) to lift an entire sofa.
Went to hospital the week after for hernia surgery *chuckle*. One nice one under my armpit, again from when I was a kid. One on my middle finger - god knows how I got it, just happened, and bled a lot!
I have 3 things on the wall in front of me - a batman poster I got from Prague, the itinerary from when me Dave and Aaron roadtripped to Staffordshire, and an original 150 Pokémon poster.
Everything I have, I keep for a reason. To remind me of who I was, or where I've been, or what I've done. Its the reason I wear the same shoes every day, its not because I'm poor, its because I don't necessarily think theres any situation new enough to deserve a new pair. I usually buy a new pair of shoes when I feel like I need some. But I often only wear them once or a few times before realising it was just a false alarm.
These points should be more bullet-pointy.
I should also be getting on with work.
When I was a kid, I used to wake up before anyone else to watch the Men in Black cartoon.
I stopped watching the simpsons when I thought I should become more mature, but I realised what a mistake that was after I watched it the other night and I laughed even more than when I was a kid. Its genius.
Sometimes I wish I had the attention span to build a treehouse as a kid. Not so I could use it then, but so I could use it now.
I never wear sunglasses because I'm too concious about damaging my eyes. Although I'll happily spend hours 17cm away from a tv or computer screen every day.
For some reason I know a bit about psychology. Although apparently this doesn't apply in the real world, other than to pick up girls at parties.
I sometimes meditate. Not as a religious thing, just as a wellbeing thing.
Although I treat my body so badly, I'm pretty ridiculously healthy.
I only took an interest in art 2 years ago.
I only took an interest in film 2 months ago.
I love my friends, but sometimes wish we were closer.
I blame myself for drifting apart from my old friends.
I lost and miss all the necklaces I used to have. Especially the one a girl bought me.
I love to walk, get lost, have an adventure.
I don't want college to end, in case its a repeat of school.
No matter how many times they overplay it on ITV2, I will always love Back to the Future.
I usually do things the hard way, just because its more rewarding.
I'm half irish, although I never mention that to girls I like any more in fear that it will culminate in an embarrassingly bad irish accent which puts them off me entirely.
Ever since I was like 5, I've never been able to eat custard, because the first time I did was at school, and it tasted a lot like washing-up liquid.
I don't like it when people use the word the word 'poorly' instead of ill or sick.
I used to get my mum to say 'school' in Gaelic when it was the first day back, because I hated going back after the holidays and hated being reminded.
There was this teacher in reception that all the guys fancied. Upon later inspection of school photographs, she was an uggo.
Sometimes I type in random words or names and put .blogspot.com, and then read through their blogs. I recently did this, and my reaction to this blog made me sure I was going straight to hell.
To tell you the truth, I've never really been that into music.
I once was dragged into plans to blow up the school using a giant mechano dinosaur. I said it was unrealistic and suggested lego as an alternative.
I was told off and my parents were called in because in a portrait of our gardens, I coloured the trees purple. They were plum trees and I was right. In your face missus fatty.
All the smart students in infants school became complete chavs in junior school.
I took guitar lessons for years, even though I knew I wasn't learning anything. I just liked the teacher, and thought it'd help me pick up chicks.
It didn't.
My proudest achievement is still serving a shepards pie to a vegan.
I was once fairly good at swimming.
I didn't learn to ride my bike till I was quite old. I mean not ridiculously old but like, after everyone else anyway.
Sometimes I feel like people are forcing me into goals I don't want.
Sometimes I just want to be left to it.
When I was a kid, I watched every episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer every thursday BBC2 at 6:20 without fail.
Not only did I think Sarah Michelle Gellar was hawt, but she also developed my love of aggressive or competitive girls.
Another show which has made this so is Dark Angel. I'm unsure as to whether this attraction is healthy, but its there none-the-less.
Even though we were too young to drink, my friend Max and I collected bottlecaps, because we both felt like we missed out on having collections like everyone else.
I'm fairly well-travelled.
I actually hate the home-alone movies.
I've only ever bought a few dvd's, almost my entire collection is illegal copies. I don't see the point seeing as they're such good quality.
I'm not sure I've ever bought a physical music album in my entire life.
I'm not really sure what else to say. I guess I'll continue some other time, or like, just ask or whatever.
luv jamie x
17 May 2009
LOOK! LOOK! COME SEE HOW GOOD I AM!
I feel a bit smug. Since friday I have felt this smuggness. Is smuggness a word? Oh well, if its an emotion, then I've felt it.
I'm finally doing what I've wanted to do for a couple of months now. Weird really, but every time I want something, it nearly always just happens. Specially with jobs and hobbies. There are not many times I get to be smug, so as you can imagine I'm taking full advantage of this!
Its been a goal of mine to be an editor for some comic projects ever since I was casually 'employed' into this company which is actually looking like its going somewhere. Luckily I was there from the beginning and kissed a lot of ass, helped a brother out, so as a reward the guy gave me quite a high place in the company. I didn't think much of it at the time, and still don't really. I mean its nothing really, but might amount to something, even if only some good contacts in the industry.
Aaahhenyway, I thought I'd see what I could do with my new job as 'project manager' for the art section (the company is basically just made up of different creative sections, art, film, music, everything) just as a 'I'm pretty bored, so lets see what happens with this' on a friday night in. The people who got back to me were incredible. Concidering I'm not even paying them, I mean jesus. Here's an idea of some of the artists:
And the writers are amazing too, almost all of them had stuff they wanted to use, so the projects can start basically straight away. Pretty exciting I guess.
I hope it doesn't look like I'm showing off! Its so stressful though, these past few days have been nothing but work and emails. I could really do with a hand, or just some guidance that I'm doing the right thing, or even just some comforting words!
Oh and if anyone wants to work with me then please do. I may need writers and maybe media people so WHO KNOWS.
love from jamie x
I'm finally doing what I've wanted to do for a couple of months now. Weird really, but every time I want something, it nearly always just happens. Specially with jobs and hobbies. There are not many times I get to be smug, so as you can imagine I'm taking full advantage of this!
Its been a goal of mine to be an editor for some comic projects ever since I was casually 'employed' into this company which is actually looking like its going somewhere. Luckily I was there from the beginning and kissed a lot of ass, helped a brother out, so as a reward the guy gave me quite a high place in the company. I didn't think much of it at the time, and still don't really. I mean its nothing really, but might amount to something, even if only some good contacts in the industry.
Aaahhenyway, I thought I'd see what I could do with my new job as 'project manager' for the art section (the company is basically just made up of different creative sections, art, film, music, everything) just as a 'I'm pretty bored, so lets see what happens with this' on a friday night in. The people who got back to me were incredible. Concidering I'm not even paying them, I mean jesus. Here's an idea of some of the artists:
And the writers are amazing too, almost all of them had stuff they wanted to use, so the projects can start basically straight away. Pretty exciting I guess.
I hope it doesn't look like I'm showing off! Its so stressful though, these past few days have been nothing but work and emails. I could really do with a hand, or just some guidance that I'm doing the right thing, or even just some comforting words!
Oh and if anyone wants to work with me then please do. I may need writers and maybe media people so WHO KNOWS.
love from jamie x
14 May 2009
FMP plans
Okay, so I need to buckle down with my fmp, seriously now. So for my own purposes only, and anyone who's interested I guess, here is my plan.
week 1 (tomorrow)
Rough cut
week 2
Sound and shit
week 3
proper cut, export.
week 4
animation
Nows the part when you say we only have 3 weeks left of college haha. Oh god I hope thats not the case!!
Anyway whatever, sorry for this pointless blog.
Jamie out
week 1 (tomorrow)
Rough cut
week 2
Sound and shit
week 3
proper cut, export.
week 4
animation
Nows the part when you say we only have 3 weeks left of college haha. Oh god I hope thats not the case!!
Anyway whatever, sorry for this pointless blog.
Jamie out
12 May 2009
6 feet under the stars
I really want to blog. Something beautiful. But I'm not too great with being a fag, you know? So I guess I'll blog what I blog best - pointless shit!
I want to do something. Go somewhere. Speak to someone. I dunno, I really wanna lay under the stars. Maybe drink a few beers. Talk, not a lot though, just a little bit. Sometimes silence is better than words. I might start going for nightwalks. I mean, it'd be nice if people lived close enough so that I could be spontaneous, but I guess I'll have to walk alone. Sad that people are gonna move so many more miles away so soon. I'm not really that sad, but I'm kind of upset at the thought that I meeting some of my closest friends will be something to look forward to, not just business as usual.
Maybe I will bleach my hair again, although maybe that would look terrible.
My life is full of maybe's. Well you know what? It ends here. Definatly. I have no idea how I can back that up, but there. I will do something, something daring. I'm just not sure what that thing is yet.
I am quite lost on what to blog about, I kinda said everything worrying me in my last blog, so I'm afraid its back to my old pointless blogs that I write just for the fun of writing blogs.
Crumbs in the bed is horrible.
Well, hope you didn't entirely hate this blog. Not exactly as meaningful as the last one but never mind!
I need a new sign-off phrase, how about:
keep it nerdy..?
that was terrible, maybe I'll work on that...
Jay
I want to do something. Go somewhere. Speak to someone. I dunno, I really wanna lay under the stars. Maybe drink a few beers. Talk, not a lot though, just a little bit. Sometimes silence is better than words. I might start going for nightwalks. I mean, it'd be nice if people lived close enough so that I could be spontaneous, but I guess I'll have to walk alone. Sad that people are gonna move so many more miles away so soon. I'm not really that sad, but I'm kind of upset at the thought that I meeting some of my closest friends will be something to look forward to, not just business as usual.
Maybe I will bleach my hair again, although maybe that would look terrible.
My life is full of maybe's. Well you know what? It ends here. Definatly. I have no idea how I can back that up, but there. I will do something, something daring. I'm just not sure what that thing is yet.
I am quite lost on what to blog about, I kinda said everything worrying me in my last blog, so I'm afraid its back to my old pointless blogs that I write just for the fun of writing blogs.
Crumbs in the bed is horrible.
Well, hope you didn't entirely hate this blog. Not exactly as meaningful as the last one but never mind!
I need a new sign-off phrase, how about:
keep it nerdy..?
that was terrible, maybe I'll work on that...
Jay
07 May 2009
jamie
Dear Jamie-lovers,
I really want to write a blog, but lately, words... they just don't seem to express the emotion enough. But still, this is the only place in the world I can write the things I want, without interruption or influence, I don't have to say anything, but I can. This is pure psychological fluid blogging, and it makes me happy even if no one gets anything from it, or even reads it.
So here we go, I'm going to say what I want, and no one can stop me, no one can delete it or try to pretend its not happening, or change the subject or anything. Hell, no one can even judge me because I'm just saying stuff you should know already.
So I'm not really sure how to do this. I could do like a brief history of my life. I could just write reems and reems of emo shit. Or I could just fucking introduce this blog a little more, jesus how much am I writing to avoid actually writing this?
The answer is a lot!
I suppose its just human nature, people ignor the truth sometimes, pretend its alright and stuff, watch movies as a refuge from reality. I'd like to think that most of the time I lead an optimistic life, if I actually think about it, nothing in my life is perfect, some things are the opposite in fact, but still 360 days out of the year, I see nothing but the positives, and negatives that need to be fixed. At the moment its one of the 5.25 days in which I feel a little bit hopeless. Not depressed or sad even, but just... my mind feels so blank on what it should be feeling. Its felt everything it can, and now it just wants to wait.
I like to change my mind a lot. Well maybe thats not the best phrase for it, I like to let my mind evolve. I add, take away and edit my morals and philosophies, which I personally think is much healthier than living by set morals, like religion for example. The evolution of mind comes with thinking too much, which is something I know all too well. I used to be a bit of an insomniac, thinking all night about today yesterday and tomorrow, planning out what I will say to who, what I should have said and what that would have lead to. Now I've just kind of given up, I let life get on with it, and usually I don't even know what I'm saying, I just say it and wait for the outcome.
I was going to mention something earlier, but I dunno if I did, so here it is: It kind of worries me though, if I'm that optimistic, is that bad? Is it like bottling everything up, ignoring stuff? Oh well, I think I'm a lot more normal than I should be thats for shizzle, and I don't think its necessarily a good thing. I need to let the crazy out a little, and its getting increasingly more difficult to do that. The people I used to open up with have drifted apart, and the new people who I concider friends don't know me well enough for me to open up to. Its difficult, where do I go? Who do I talk to? Am I even meant to talk about it? No one else does! Everyone else just hides it away. Christ, I'd fucking love it if someone was as fucked up as me, I know that everyone is, its just... sometimes the truth is too hard. But look at me eh? Annoying people on the internet and everything, truely this is a breakthrough for the human race? I just wish I was close enough to someone to know their problems. Maybe then I would feel a little more normal. A little more like I belonged somewhere, as someone.
I know I'm not the best person in the world, I'm bad at sports, I don't have a very exciting life or a particularly good or interesting taste in music or fashions, I'm pretty basic when it comes to conversation, I often recite the same worn catchphrases and words as a way of escaping conversation because the truth is, no matter what I say, no matter how much my instinct tells me I'm wrong, I don't want friends.
I can't bare to let anyone down, and if people liked me then thats bound to happen. I try my best to be a good friend, I help out people when I can, I can be there just to listen, talk, sometimes I even cheer people up, sometimes I even make them laugh, but some things are out of my hands, and what if one of those things happen, people would be sad - and thats what scares me about having friends.
I know it seems like a stupid way to live, but its the least selfish, even if it doesn't seem like it at the time. Sometimes I'm purposefully a bit horrible just to make someone doubt me as a friend.
I don't know why I'm opening up so much, wait thats a lie.
I'm opening up because of my problems.
Which I will divulge, maybe it'll rub off on someone, who knows.
I feel like I've lived beyond the point of regret and grudges and keeping it all secret. It just seems kind of pointless, I feel more peaceful. Its like that time my friend told me about religion, then apologised because he thought he was trying to rope me in. I said it was fine because I genuinely think that its better to know all the options, so you can choose whats best. Anyway where was I... Yeah well I was probably about to lead onto the real beef. Maybe in a slightly more graceful way, but its all good.
I mentioned it at some point - the last time I cried. It was like, ages ago. Man it really was. I was about 13 or something. It was one of those reasons thats more than a usual bit of crying. It was one of those reasons where you don't know what the hell to think at the time, then you just kind of float around until it hits you. Not for any of the classic reasons though I suppose, I mean not that my problems don't involve all of those - family, friends, relationships, money, all that. But its a little darker I'm afraid. I guess its relative though, so I won't pretend I've got it worst off or anything, cuz lord knows I know some fucked up individuals. But I also know a fair few people who make something out of nothing, or if they do have problems, they don't see the better parts of their life.
There was a time when it would really get to me, seeing people try to kill themselves over... fucking nothing. But now, as I said, I've kind of outlived it. People do what they do, and you can save them from everything but themselves. And I kind of gave up listening, because nobody ever talks.
Anyway, I'm distracting from this way too much. I was about 13 and I was in a quadbiking accident, messed me up good and proper, so I went to the doctors to see what the dealio was. They sent me to the hospital to do the standard procedure. Only I was 13, and I didn't know that that meant taking a bunch of x-rays, CAT scans, endurance tests, breathing tests, the fuckin works - basically naked apart from a baggy hospital gown and socks. Then I was sent to this little room, full of doctors and nurses and attendings, I thought it ws gonna be like scrubs, you know - funny. If you're wondering if it was or not? It totally wasn't! It was scary, the main guy wasn't welcoming at all. And the rest just starred at me. I was treated like a freaking dollar sign. He basically gave me 2 options - 1: get incredibly invasive and life threatening surgery, in which there is a high change you could be left paralysed or dead, 2: die in one of the worst ways imaginable, and worked everything towards 1 message - do what I say or you'll die.
So you can imagine! My life seemed pretty fucked! My options all included death in different amounts of suffering, so it changed the way I looked at things. Suddenly getting home to watch TV seemed a little insignificant, simple things like eating was now for function, not for enjoyment. Although I didn't really seem too affected by it. To meet me, I was a pretty normal guy. My tastes in music or clothes didn't change, I didn't become an emo or anything like that. Although ever since then I wear white a lot lot more. In fact, I bleached my hair for a bit - I was so determined not to slide into becoming some self-harming floppy-haired mascara-wearing cunt, and that was my way of coping. It wasn't so much that I felt like I was going to become that guy, but more that I was scared of becoming him.
I don't like it, but it has had an effect on every part of my life. I find it pretty difficult to socialise sometimes, and relationships are fairly impossible because I have pretty low self-esteem and trust issues to slay a walrus (???). Money is a massive issue with it, because it costs so much just to... keep me alive, I guess, and they've all got money troubles as it is. Its hard on everyone else as well as me, and I hate it. I'm so glad I have people who care enough to try and help me, and I sometimes just think it'd be easier if it had never happened. Its taking its toll on the family too. Not that I really feel that close with any of them, or them with each other for that matter. Obviously my health is affected, its difficult for me to get a job, I mean I have been living a 'normal' life so far, and I could get a job, but it's not exactly the best thing for me to do.
I don't like moaning. Pah I'm lying, I love it. But maybe the moral of the story here is that I'd probably be moaning regardless, but about nothing. Wait, maybe this is nothing. I should stop moaning!
Huh.
Jamie
I really want to write a blog, but lately, words... they just don't seem to express the emotion enough. But still, this is the only place in the world I can write the things I want, without interruption or influence, I don't have to say anything, but I can. This is pure psychological fluid blogging, and it makes me happy even if no one gets anything from it, or even reads it.
So here we go, I'm going to say what I want, and no one can stop me, no one can delete it or try to pretend its not happening, or change the subject or anything. Hell, no one can even judge me because I'm just saying stuff you should know already.
So I'm not really sure how to do this. I could do like a brief history of my life. I could just write reems and reems of emo shit. Or I could just fucking introduce this blog a little more, jesus how much am I writing to avoid actually writing this?
The answer is a lot!
I suppose its just human nature, people ignor the truth sometimes, pretend its alright and stuff, watch movies as a refuge from reality. I'd like to think that most of the time I lead an optimistic life, if I actually think about it, nothing in my life is perfect, some things are the opposite in fact, but still 360 days out of the year, I see nothing but the positives, and negatives that need to be fixed. At the moment its one of the 5.25 days in which I feel a little bit hopeless. Not depressed or sad even, but just... my mind feels so blank on what it should be feeling. Its felt everything it can, and now it just wants to wait.
I like to change my mind a lot. Well maybe thats not the best phrase for it, I like to let my mind evolve. I add, take away and edit my morals and philosophies, which I personally think is much healthier than living by set morals, like religion for example. The evolution of mind comes with thinking too much, which is something I know all too well. I used to be a bit of an insomniac, thinking all night about today yesterday and tomorrow, planning out what I will say to who, what I should have said and what that would have lead to. Now I've just kind of given up, I let life get on with it, and usually I don't even know what I'm saying, I just say it and wait for the outcome.
I was going to mention something earlier, but I dunno if I did, so here it is: It kind of worries me though, if I'm that optimistic, is that bad? Is it like bottling everything up, ignoring stuff? Oh well, I think I'm a lot more normal than I should be thats for shizzle, and I don't think its necessarily a good thing. I need to let the crazy out a little, and its getting increasingly more difficult to do that. The people I used to open up with have drifted apart, and the new people who I concider friends don't know me well enough for me to open up to. Its difficult, where do I go? Who do I talk to? Am I even meant to talk about it? No one else does! Everyone else just hides it away. Christ, I'd fucking love it if someone was as fucked up as me, I know that everyone is, its just... sometimes the truth is too hard. But look at me eh? Annoying people on the internet and everything, truely this is a breakthrough for the human race? I just wish I was close enough to someone to know their problems. Maybe then I would feel a little more normal. A little more like I belonged somewhere, as someone.
I know I'm not the best person in the world, I'm bad at sports, I don't have a very exciting life or a particularly good or interesting taste in music or fashions, I'm pretty basic when it comes to conversation, I often recite the same worn catchphrases and words as a way of escaping conversation because the truth is, no matter what I say, no matter how much my instinct tells me I'm wrong, I don't want friends.
I can't bare to let anyone down, and if people liked me then thats bound to happen. I try my best to be a good friend, I help out people when I can, I can be there just to listen, talk, sometimes I even cheer people up, sometimes I even make them laugh, but some things are out of my hands, and what if one of those things happen, people would be sad - and thats what scares me about having friends.
I know it seems like a stupid way to live, but its the least selfish, even if it doesn't seem like it at the time. Sometimes I'm purposefully a bit horrible just to make someone doubt me as a friend.
I don't know why I'm opening up so much, wait thats a lie.
I'm opening up because of my problems.
Which I will divulge, maybe it'll rub off on someone, who knows.
I feel like I've lived beyond the point of regret and grudges and keeping it all secret. It just seems kind of pointless, I feel more peaceful. Its like that time my friend told me about religion, then apologised because he thought he was trying to rope me in. I said it was fine because I genuinely think that its better to know all the options, so you can choose whats best. Anyway where was I... Yeah well I was probably about to lead onto the real beef. Maybe in a slightly more graceful way, but its all good.
I mentioned it at some point - the last time I cried. It was like, ages ago. Man it really was. I was about 13 or something. It was one of those reasons thats more than a usual bit of crying. It was one of those reasons where you don't know what the hell to think at the time, then you just kind of float around until it hits you. Not for any of the classic reasons though I suppose, I mean not that my problems don't involve all of those - family, friends, relationships, money, all that. But its a little darker I'm afraid. I guess its relative though, so I won't pretend I've got it worst off or anything, cuz lord knows I know some fucked up individuals. But I also know a fair few people who make something out of nothing, or if they do have problems, they don't see the better parts of their life.
There was a time when it would really get to me, seeing people try to kill themselves over... fucking nothing. But now, as I said, I've kind of outlived it. People do what they do, and you can save them from everything but themselves. And I kind of gave up listening, because nobody ever talks.
Anyway, I'm distracting from this way too much. I was about 13 and I was in a quadbiking accident, messed me up good and proper, so I went to the doctors to see what the dealio was. They sent me to the hospital to do the standard procedure. Only I was 13, and I didn't know that that meant taking a bunch of x-rays, CAT scans, endurance tests, breathing tests, the fuckin works - basically naked apart from a baggy hospital gown and socks. Then I was sent to this little room, full of doctors and nurses and attendings, I thought it ws gonna be like scrubs, you know - funny. If you're wondering if it was or not? It totally wasn't! It was scary, the main guy wasn't welcoming at all. And the rest just starred at me. I was treated like a freaking dollar sign. He basically gave me 2 options - 1: get incredibly invasive and life threatening surgery, in which there is a high change you could be left paralysed or dead, 2: die in one of the worst ways imaginable, and worked everything towards 1 message - do what I say or you'll die.
So you can imagine! My life seemed pretty fucked! My options all included death in different amounts of suffering, so it changed the way I looked at things. Suddenly getting home to watch TV seemed a little insignificant, simple things like eating was now for function, not for enjoyment. Although I didn't really seem too affected by it. To meet me, I was a pretty normal guy. My tastes in music or clothes didn't change, I didn't become an emo or anything like that. Although ever since then I wear white a lot lot more. In fact, I bleached my hair for a bit - I was so determined not to slide into becoming some self-harming floppy-haired mascara-wearing cunt, and that was my way of coping. It wasn't so much that I felt like I was going to become that guy, but more that I was scared of becoming him.
I don't like it, but it has had an effect on every part of my life. I find it pretty difficult to socialise sometimes, and relationships are fairly impossible because I have pretty low self-esteem and trust issues to slay a walrus (???). Money is a massive issue with it, because it costs so much just to... keep me alive, I guess, and they've all got money troubles as it is. Its hard on everyone else as well as me, and I hate it. I'm so glad I have people who care enough to try and help me, and I sometimes just think it'd be easier if it had never happened. Its taking its toll on the family too. Not that I really feel that close with any of them, or them with each other for that matter. Obviously my health is affected, its difficult for me to get a job, I mean I have been living a 'normal' life so far, and I could get a job, but it's not exactly the best thing for me to do.
I don't like moaning. Pah I'm lying, I love it. But maybe the moral of the story here is that I'd probably be moaning regardless, but about nothing. Wait, maybe this is nothing. I should stop moaning!
Huh.
Jamie
05 May 2009
i want to tell you things till my lungs bleed
My first attempt at an emo a softer world type shit.
I r sadfase.
02 May 2009
Packages
I saw this and it made me laugh, but also it seems like a good idea. I might try it one day.
I planned on sleeping in.
Finding it hard to find people to play toe or finger with.
Maybe I should just get a girlfriend instead...
from jamie x
01 May 2009
"You know, that dance wasn't as safe as they said it was"
S-s-s-s-s-s-s-s A-a-a-a-a-a-a-a F-f-f-f-f-f-f-f E-e-e-e-e-e-e-e T-t-t-t-t-t-t-t Y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y Safe-safe-safe-safe-safe-safe-safe-safety Dance-dance-dance-dance-dance-dance-dance-dance! Boopboop beepbeep boopboopboop beepbeep, Boopboop beepbeep boopboopboop beepbeep.
I did a new blog layout, just fancied putting the old geek skills to use. Do you like it? Well I do. I've started doing a little diary, kind of documentary but with no point. I guess I should credit ryan for doing one slightly before me, therefore making him creator of documentary cinema. Anyway its not going to be that interesting, but it'll hopefully be a bit fun, and I can improve my shoddy camera skills. Colleen I am officially keeping this tape until college is over, or until I get more. I'll label it <3
Scary how close we all are to finishing college for good. I feel like I've only just met some of you, and as for the ones I know well - I feel like I've been a total douche and not spent enough time with you.
Sorry guys, shouldn't have been a cunt I guess. Then again, maybe thats the only reason you hang out with me...
I need to buy tonnes of clothes and shoes and stuff. I should do that while theres still a point to my existance. Thats a point, after college and summer, what the fuck am I going to do with myself? All my friends are moving away to uni, I have no plans for jobs and not quite enough money to move out. Jesus my life. I'll write to you all, with propa pens and paper. And I'll visit so much it'll be annoying. Just like real life! Yeah, it won't change, I'll still be there to annoy and abuse you, give you something to laugh with (...at), to watch them drink too much, whatever.
None of y'all bitches are givin me your addresses are you?
Fuck my life.
love jamie x
I did a new blog layout, just fancied putting the old geek skills to use. Do you like it? Well I do. I've started doing a little diary, kind of documentary but with no point. I guess I should credit ryan for doing one slightly before me, therefore making him creator of documentary cinema. Anyway its not going to be that interesting, but it'll hopefully be a bit fun, and I can improve my shoddy camera skills. Colleen I am officially keeping this tape until college is over, or until I get more. I'll label it <3
Scary how close we all are to finishing college for good. I feel like I've only just met some of you, and as for the ones I know well - I feel like I've been a total douche and not spent enough time with you.
Sorry guys, shouldn't have been a cunt I guess. Then again, maybe thats the only reason you hang out with me...
I need to buy tonnes of clothes and shoes and stuff. I should do that while theres still a point to my existance. Thats a point, after college and summer, what the fuck am I going to do with myself? All my friends are moving away to uni, I have no plans for jobs and not quite enough money to move out. Jesus my life. I'll write to you all, with propa pens and paper. And I'll visit so much it'll be annoying. Just like real life! Yeah, it won't change, I'll still be there to annoy and abuse you, give you something to laugh with (...at), to watch them drink too much, whatever.
None of y'all bitches are givin me your addresses are you?
Fuck my life.
love jamie x
24 April 2009
filming is fun
I actually discovered why I'm on a filming course this past 2 weeks - Its fun to film stuff! I like it! I uploaded a little bit of my fmp, and it looks alright, although you know, some of it is very very badly lit, which I thought I'd get away with because its gritty and noiarce, but maybe not. I dunno, we'll see I guess! Editing will make or break it, if I need to reshoot anything, then I will! Its my favourite!
Yes. Looking alright, Pats looks good too. Wanna see other peoples, properly. The only other filming I saw was Colleens, and it was only a tiny, tiny bit of it - looks good/goulash/filthy/banter/noiarce/patrick calvert. I want to see more, it makes me happy.
So yes, filming is fun, but editing is like 3 times as nice. das wassup. Lets make another film. Guys, I want us to get together and make another film - improv it, and it'll be fucking cool. I DARE YOU.
Lavinias fmp shoot this weekend. I seem to be the only person who's completely looking forward to this more than anything ever. More than my own fmp shoot in fact. The script is actually good, no offence lav but its 10... HUNDRED times better than I expected.
Lush.
*****EDIT*****
Lav, you suck.
*****EDIT*****
Yes. Looking alright, Pats looks good too. Wanna see other peoples, properly. The only other filming I saw was Colleens, and it was only a tiny, tiny bit of it - looks good/goulash/filthy/banter/noiarce/patrick calvert. I want to see more, it makes me happy.
So yes, filming is fun, but editing is like 3 times as nice. das wassup. Lets make another film. Guys, I want us to get together and make another film - improv it, and it'll be fucking cool. I DARE YOU.
Lavinias fmp shoot this weekend. I seem to be the only person who's completely looking forward to this more than anything ever. More than my own fmp shoot in fact. The script is actually good, no offence lav but its 10... HUNDRED times better than I expected.
Lush.
*****EDIT*****
Lav, you suck.
*****EDIT*****
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