jamie

Dear Jamie-lovers,
I really want to write a blog, but lately, words... they just don't seem to express the emotion enough. But still, this is the only place in the world I can write the things I want, without interruption or influence, I don't have to say anything, but I can. This is pure psychological fluid blogging, and it makes me happy even if no one gets anything from it, or even reads it.

So here we go, I'm going to say what I want, and no one can stop me, no one can delete it or try to pretend its not happening, or change the subject or anything. Hell, no one can even judge me because I'm just saying stuff you should know already.

So I'm not really sure how to do this. I could do like a brief history of my life. I could just write reems and reems of emo shit. Or I could just fucking introduce this blog a little more, jesus how much am I writing to avoid actually writing this?

The answer is a lot!

I suppose its just human nature, people ignor the truth sometimes, pretend its alright and stuff, watch movies as a refuge from reality. I'd like to think that most of the time I lead an optimistic life, if I actually think about it, nothing in my life is perfect, some things are the opposite in fact, but still 360 days out of the year, I see nothing but the positives, and negatives that need to be fixed. At the moment its one of the 5.25 days in which I feel a little bit hopeless. Not depressed or sad even, but just... my mind feels so blank on what it should be feeling. Its felt everything it can, and now it just wants to wait.

I like to change my mind a lot. Well maybe thats not the best phrase for it, I like to let my mind evolve. I add, take away and edit my morals and philosophies, which I personally think is much healthier than living by set morals, like religion for example. The evolution of mind comes with thinking too much, which is something I know all too well. I used to be a bit of an insomniac, thinking all night about today yesterday and tomorrow, planning out what I will say to who, what I should have said and what that would have lead to. Now I've just kind of given up, I let life get on with it, and usually I don't even know what I'm saying, I just say it and wait for the outcome.

I was going to mention something earlier, but I dunno if I did, so here it is: It kind of worries me though, if I'm that optimistic, is that bad? Is it like bottling everything up, ignoring stuff? Oh well, I think I'm a lot more normal than I should be thats for shizzle, and I don't think its necessarily a good thing. I need to let the crazy out a little, and its getting increasingly more difficult to do that. The people I used to open up with have drifted apart, and the new people who I concider friends don't know me well enough for me to open up to. Its difficult, where do I go? Who do I talk to? Am I even meant to talk about it? No one else does! Everyone else just hides it away. Christ, I'd fucking love it if someone was as fucked up as me, I know that everyone is, its just... sometimes the truth is too hard. But look at me eh? Annoying people on the internet and everything, truely this is a breakthrough for the human race? I just wish I was close enough to someone to know their problems. Maybe then I would feel a little more normal. A little more like I belonged somewhere, as someone.

I know I'm not the best person in the world, I'm bad at sports, I don't have a very exciting life or a particularly good or interesting taste in music or fashions, I'm pretty basic when it comes to conversation, I often recite the same worn catchphrases and words as a way of escaping conversation because the truth is, no matter what I say, no matter how much my instinct tells me I'm wrong, I don't want friends.

I can't bare to let anyone down, and if people liked me then thats bound to happen. I try my best to be a good friend, I help out people when I can, I can be there just to listen, talk, sometimes I even cheer people up, sometimes I even make them laugh, but some things are out of my hands, and what if one of those things happen, people would be sad - and thats what scares me about having friends.

I know it seems like a stupid way to live, but its the least selfish, even if it doesn't seem like it at the time. Sometimes I'm purposefully a bit horrible just to make someone doubt me as a friend.

I don't know why I'm opening up so much, wait thats a lie.

I'm opening up because of my problems.

Which I will divulge, maybe it'll rub off on someone, who knows.

I feel like I've lived beyond the point of regret and grudges and keeping it all secret. It just seems kind of pointless, I feel more peaceful. Its like that time my friend told me about religion, then apologised because he thought he was trying to rope me in. I said it was fine because I genuinely think that its better to know all the options, so you can choose whats best. Anyway where was I... Yeah well I was probably about to lead onto the real beef. Maybe in a slightly more graceful way, but its all good.

I mentioned it at some point - the last time I cried. It was like, ages ago. Man it really was. I was about 13 or something. It was one of those reasons thats more than a usual bit of crying. It was one of those reasons where you don't know what the hell to think at the time, then you just kind of float around until it hits you. Not for any of the classic reasons though I suppose, I mean not that my problems don't involve all of those - family, friends, relationships, money, all that. But its a little darker I'm afraid. I guess its relative though, so I won't pretend I've got it worst off or anything, cuz lord knows I know some fucked up individuals. But I also know a fair few people who make something out of nothing, or if they do have problems, they don't see the better parts of their life.

There was a time when it would really get to me, seeing people try to kill themselves over... fucking nothing. But now, as I said, I've kind of outlived it. People do what they do, and you can save them from everything but themselves. And I kind of gave up listening, because nobody ever talks.

Anyway, I'm distracting from this way too much. I was about 13 and I was in a quadbiking accident, messed me up good and proper, so I went to the doctors to see what the dealio was. They sent me to the hospital to do the standard procedure. Only I was 13, and I didn't know that that meant taking a bunch of x-rays, CAT scans, endurance tests, breathing tests, the fuckin works - basically naked apart from a baggy hospital gown and socks. Then I was sent to this little room, full of doctors and nurses and attendings, I thought it ws gonna be like scrubs, you know - funny. If you're wondering if it was or not? It totally wasn't! It was scary, the main guy wasn't welcoming at all. And the rest just starred at me. I was treated like a freaking dollar sign. He basically gave me 2 options - 1: get incredibly invasive and life threatening surgery, in which there is a high change you could be left paralysed or dead, 2: die in one of the worst ways imaginable, and worked everything towards 1 message - do what I say or you'll die.

So you can imagine! My life seemed pretty fucked! My options all included death in different amounts of suffering, so it changed the way I looked at things. Suddenly getting home to watch TV seemed a little insignificant, simple things like eating was now for function, not for enjoyment. Although I didn't really seem too affected by it. To meet me, I was a pretty normal guy. My tastes in music or clothes didn't change, I didn't become an emo or anything like that. Although ever since then I wear white a lot lot more. In fact, I bleached my hair for a bit - I was so determined not to slide into becoming some self-harming floppy-haired mascara-wearing cunt, and that was my way of coping. It wasn't so much that I felt like I was going to become that guy, but more that I was scared of becoming him.

I don't like it, but it has had an effect on every part of my life. I find it pretty difficult to socialise sometimes, and relationships are fairly impossible because I have pretty low self-esteem and trust issues to slay a walrus (???). Money is a massive issue with it, because it costs so much just to... keep me alive, I guess, and they've all got money troubles as it is. Its hard on everyone else as well as me, and I hate it. I'm so glad I have people who care enough to try and help me, and I sometimes just think it'd be easier if it had never happened. Its taking its toll on the family too. Not that I really feel that close with any of them, or them with each other for that matter. Obviously my health is affected, its difficult for me to get a job, I mean I have been living a 'normal' life so far, and I could get a job, but it's not exactly the best thing for me to do.

I don't like moaning. Pah I'm lying, I love it. But maybe the moral of the story here is that I'd probably be moaning regardless, but about nothing. Wait, maybe this is nothing. I should stop moaning!

Huh.


Jamie

i want to tell you things till my lungs bleed

My first attempt at an emo a softer world type shit.

I r sadfase.

Packages

I saw this and it made me laugh, but also it seems like a good idea. I might try it one day.

I planned on sleeping in.

Finding it hard to find people to play toe or finger with.

Maybe I should just get a girlfriend instead...


from jamie x

"You know, that dance wasn't as safe as they said it was"

S-s-s-s-s-s-s-s A-a-a-a-a-a-a-a F-f-f-f-f-f-f-f E-e-e-e-e-e-e-e T-t-t-t-t-t-t-t Y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y Safe-safe-safe-safe-safe-safe-safe-safety Dance-dance-dance-dance-dance-dance-dance-dance! Boopboop beepbeep boopboopboop beepbeep, Boopboop beepbeep boopboopboop beepbeep.

I did a new blog layout, just fancied putting the old geek skills to use. Do you like it? Well I do. I've started doing a little diary, kind of documentary but with no point. I guess I should credit ryan for doing one slightly before me, therefore making him creator of documentary cinema. Anyway its not going to be that interesting, but it'll hopefully be a bit fun, and I can improve my shoddy camera skills. Colleen I am officially keeping this tape until college is over, or until I get more. I'll label it <3

Scary how close we all are to finishing college for good. I feel like I've only just met some of you, and as for the ones I know well - I feel like I've been a total douche and not spent enough time with you.

Sorry guys, shouldn't have been a cunt I guess. Then again, maybe thats the only reason you hang out with me...

I need to buy tonnes of clothes and shoes and stuff. I should do that while theres still a point to my existance. Thats a point, after college and summer, what the fuck am I going to do with myself? All my friends are moving away to uni, I have no plans for jobs and not quite enough money to move out. Jesus my life. I'll write to you all, with propa pens and paper. And I'll visit so much it'll be annoying. Just like real life! Yeah, it won't change, I'll still be there to annoy and abuse you, give you something to laugh with (...at), to watch them drink too much, whatever.

None of y'all bitches are givin me your addresses are you?

Fuck my life.


love jamie x

filming is fun

I actually discovered why I'm on a filming course this past 2 weeks - Its fun to film stuff! I like it! I uploaded a little bit of my fmp, and it looks alright, although you know, some of it is very very badly lit, which I thought I'd get away with because its gritty and noiarce, but maybe not. I dunno, we'll see I guess! Editing will make or break it, if I need to reshoot anything, then I will! Its my favourite!

Yes. Looking alright, Pats looks good too. Wanna see other peoples, properly. The only other filming I saw was Colleens, and it was only a tiny, tiny bit of it - looks good/goulash/filthy/banter/noiarce/patrick calvert. I want to see more, it makes me happy.

So yes, filming is fun, but editing is like 3 times as nice. das wassup. Lets make another film. Guys, I want us to get together and make another film - improv it, and it'll be fucking cool. I DARE YOU.

Lavinias fmp shoot this weekend. I seem to be the only person who's completely looking forward to this more than anything ever. More than my own fmp shoot in fact. The script is actually good, no offence lav but its 10... HUNDRED times better than I expected.

Lush.


*****EDIT*****
Lav, you suck.
*****EDIT*****

Instead of being in the sun, I'm blogging about it

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Problem sleuth

I will do a sketch blog to make this blog not suck so much. Plus it'd be nice need to warm back into drawing a little bit, even if it is just stickmen. Greeeeaaaat. Looking forward to it? Well I am.

I'm such a rebel

I am very bored and only want to do work at home.

Oh, this is the first blog i've ever done from college.
YEEEEAAAAAAH!!

Back on the blog wagon

I left my blog alone for a while. It seemed that no one was really blogging much. But then Lav started so I thought I'd get involved.

I do enjoy a good blog, not that I provide good blogs, but writing them is nice, keeps me busy, puts some things out there. You know - shit, stuff, whatever.

I just fear that my style of blogging and even writing is pretty poor. I mean not that I don't already know that my blogs are shitty. nobody really cares what I ate for breakfast, or what I think about death or why being lonely is sometimes super awesome. (that was a scrubs reference, i'm not that desperate!). Not only that, but I feel like I use too many commas and full stops. And repeat myself. So, here's to a better quality of blog.

I don't really know how to go about that.

I've kind of said everything I can think to say. So maybe I should finally just tell you all whats really on my mind? My real story? The actual real life things about me, and what makes me the emotionally and socially crippled narcissistic insomniac you all love.


but then i realise that i ate biscuits for breakfast and you probably don't want to hear all that other shit.

Everybody knows that the blogs the wordle

wordle.net

thank christ

What up internet homies,

I am sitting on this chair, pretty unconfortably, but its fine because I feel like a change. I just got done with quite a busy weekend, and now I don't really know what to do with myself. Kinda like when you give up a hobby, then you realise how fucking bored you must've been before you took up that hobby.

Filmed FMP, well like...

Thats actually a lie.

I filmed a lot of it, but I still have some shit to do. I can do it alone though. I just didn't want to keep everyone hanging around, because I could sense that it was getting a little boring and it was like 10pm. So I just kept aaron round and invited narayan for some games. Mostly for me really, pretty selfish but I needed to relax a bit and it was nice to see them for like the first time this holiday.

We played CD-I, most of you will have no idea what that is, but ust imagine something so shit its not even funny any more, then make it shitter so that it is funny.

I'm not really sure if I'm looking forward to college or not. I'd love to see people again, but I feel a bit like I've forgotten to do something important.

I hope Narayan slept ok last night. He slept on the floor. Then on an office chair. Then on the floor again.

Oh yeah, that stupid EMA advert just came on, with the fingers and shit. Reminded me that I need to sort that the fuck out. I mean I don't need the money, but its free money so you know.

I wanna have a movie fest. Who wants to have a movie fest? Like, nerdy movies or some kind of theme. Matrix 1, 2, 3 and Animatrix or something. Star Wars, a bunch of Will Farrell films. Also I really want to watch all those old animated tv shows, like Ghostbusters, and Men in Black, and all that.

The point is, as a media class, we need to hang out more. Go out to the pub, go out drinking. Stay in and watch movies. Whatever, but its like I hardly ever see any of y'all outside of college, and I'd hate to think it'd be like that after college.

Whatever, I'm just really making the same points I ever make in my blogs. I could make a template.

I'm out.

Frick

This could be simpler. That'd be cool.

I am now exactly where I was a month ago.

I need an actor for my FMP, so badly. I had one, who I was actually quite looking forward to working with, but yeeeeeeaaaah he wants lots of money. And I don't like him that much to be honest, so isn't getting it.

So that sucks majorly, especially at such short notice, and seeing as I can't even shoot any of it without the actor. Man. Oh well, I guess I'll spend my half term relaxing and having lulz, and then see what happens.

Shame Aarons going home, I would have liked to hang out with him. I hope we all hang out, at some point over this easter. Its kind of ridiculous that me and Dave had to promise to get drunk with each other at least twice. But really, I hardly ever see anyone outside of college. Plans always fall through, or are never made.

Who the fuck am I aiming this at you all hate me.


out.

This is it. Why am I wasting it?

If there is a God, why would it give a fuck about us? We suck, we just waste so much time. We're naturally lazy.

If something made us, it didn't go to plan.

Chillout Electro

I've had a nice cleansing day. I tidied my room up, wore some clothes I hadn't worn in a while, and now I am listening to electro's finest lineup of chillout tracks. Most delightful.

Of course, as always I'm not doing this at random, I'm doing it because something scared me so much last night that I was paralysed for a good hour, not thinking about anything, just laying there, devastated. It wasn't even anything important either, it was just one of those realisations. Something obvious, but something you don't really think about until it hits you like a flash when you're sat there at 2 in the morning with scrubs re-runs on.

I dunno, I'm sure you've all had enough of my 'blah blah blah life death shit etc' moany emo rants that don't really have a point. So I won't talk about it, I just want to blog about something, you know?


I'd like to think that although I'm very angry, cynical, aggressive, moany, sarcastic, offencive, racist, sexist, biased and annoying, I try to get on with everyone, but sometimes people can just annoy even me. Just by making striking up a conversation and then making it impossible to talk to them. Just people who are socially retarded in general I hate talking to. Sounds hypocritical but even I know how conversation works, and I'm fairly easy to talk to. Right? Let me know if I am actually impossible to talk to!

end