Everyone dies. Actually, can I start that again? Everyone deserves a death. Mortality is what it is to be alive. Death is just part of being human. When I was a kid I always had this idea that I'd go out in some awesome, action packed pirate related circumstance on 9/9/09, no less. (I guess the date could be right!) But I suppose it just happens, you can't choose how or when, its just something thats decided for you. I'm not here to say 'Don't do this' or 'Stop being like that', in fact I don't even want you to listen, I just want to write down what I feel I need to because if it does disappear to the ether then I'd like it to be remembered somehow. I know you've heard the same stuff a thousand times, but maybe it is something I need to say. Just value life! Value every single second of it. Because my God is it short. Why do we treat days like days, when we could treat them like weeks? Treat life properly, don't do what I'm doing, I guess is what I'm trying to say.
Some people are afraid of death, me? No. I'm more terrified than afraid. But why? I don't really understand how someone can be afraid of something which is part of who they are? Something that will happen as sure as the sun will rise or our heart will beat. I would say it is a fear of the unknown, but humans are instinctively inquisitive, we always want to know 'whats under that rock', or 'what happens if I do this', so why not the same with death? People never usually like to talk about death, its one of those things that doesn't really tend to pop up in conversation, a lot of people are offended by the concept of it. But I have always seemed to be the one to spark it up. I just wonder, like everyone I suppose, is there somewhere we go? Is it heaven or hell? Is it reincarnation? Darkness? Nothing? I am not afraid of dying, that's a given, I'm more afraid of death. I'm afraid of the judgement, what if I haven't done the right things or been the right person? Well, maybe I am more afraid of the fact that there may be no judgement, just.... nothing.
Is there a right thing to do? How do you prepare for this? Religion? Should it be treated like accepting an addiction? Or does it just happen, catching you unaware? But if that is the case then what if your last thought is the wrong one? What if you're scratching your balls or drinking alcohol? There is no way to prepare, is there? I guess you just wait, but what kind of a life is that? Living for death is not any way to live. Its like this game I have, Ocarina of Time. I love it, but I will never finish it. Not because its hard, just because I don't want it to end. I'm not playing to finish it, I'm playing it for the enjoyment of playing it. Its the same with life, I don't live to die, I live to be alive. I just worry about these things, little things really. I mean death isn't the worst thing, death should never be hidden from or feared, it should be just one of those things that happens, another adventure in your life, not even an ending, a sunset is still only the start of the night, after all.
Death is just one of those things which is undefinable. You have to experience it yourself to know. I don't think death should be so heavily associated with religion. Like, 'If you die, you will go to hell unless you're a devoted Christian' or something. I think that instead of being born into a religion and almost brainwashed into one narrowminded way of life, we should each be able to choose what we want, take me for example. I wouldn't say my family are religious, but I think everyone in it would like to beleive there is something else, a guiding force, a heaven, etc., but its not any kind of devotion really, they don't go to church, or even pray, they all drink, but deep down they all think there is a greater force. When I was young I was a complete atheist, but then I kind of adopted a more spiritual point of view, I learned to be more open-minded to everything, and it changed me, it really did. I'd like to say for the better, but I guess thats relative depending on whats 'right'. When I say spiritual, I don't mean 'oh i believe in ghosts and magic and flowers' I mean like, fatalism, destiny, like religion but mixed with evolution, it changes quite frequently depending on what happens to me, which I think is the best way really - nothing should stay static.
But because I'm only taking morals and philosophies from other places, I've never really got round to thinking through what happens after death. I just can't seem to wrap my head around it. Everything else, yeah, I'll sit there and I'll think about something until it makes sense, but death is just something that's never clicked.
Maybe it's just like before we were born. Nobody knows what it was like before birth, hell I don't even know what happened up until I was about 2 or something. Maybe death is like an undoing of that. Maybe we just slip back into that state, whatever that was. Or maybe it was nothing. Just drift off into the void, not consious to anything, not even unconcious. Just nothing.
Or maybe it is some kind of creative... fountain. We all just fuel the future, shape the world, we are inspiration, we are life. Or maybe we are, collectively, God. Or maybe death invites us to become Gods, sculpting the lives of others, so that we can help with our experiences and advice at hand.
Maybe death happens because we finally accept it. Maybe the moment that we discover what it means, what there is beyond life, then we die. Or maybe the information is so incredibly powerful that we just die, in complete ecstacy that we finally know.
As I said, it is not important, just like wondering how the sun rises isn't important - its just nice, it happens. I don't need to know how it happens to enjoy it, but being human means I do.
23 February 2009
21 February 2009
Typety Typety Hitchcock Coursework Typety Type.
I would recommend not viewing the film 'Rear Widow' by Alfred Hitcock.
Definitely not what I wanted.
Definitely not what I wanted.
Anosmia
Firstly, thank you Ruth for following/stalking my blog. I think you made it a bit uneasy though, maybe drop the nightvision goggles? I clicked follow on yours a while back now, but I think I must've clicked cancel instead of ok. Thats because I'm cool, see.
Ok so this is the part where I say something interesting.
It probably sucks to have anosmia (I say probably because yes - I do have it, but no - I don't know what its like to not have it), but I suppose it does suck, having to live in mystery of what things smell like. Maybe it's contributed to who I am today. I've always thought upbringing is suer important in who you become, and its little things like that which do the trick. Anyway its pretty okay.
I'm lucky really, only losing smell/some taste. Could be worse. Could be much worse! If you're interested in a theory, I have a pretty cool one which sounds like its straight out of a comicbook.
How do I format this so its like I'm telling an anecdote at a bar... how about this?
Ok so this is the part where I say something interesting.
It probably sucks to have anosmia (I say probably because yes - I do have it, but no - I don't know what its like to not have it), but I suppose it does suck, having to live in mystery of what things smell like. Maybe it's contributed to who I am today. I've always thought upbringing is suer important in who you become, and its little things like that which do the trick. Anyway its pretty okay.
I'm lucky really, only losing smell/some taste. Could be worse. Could be much worse! If you're interested in a theory, I have a pretty cool one which sounds like its straight out of a comicbook.
How do I format this so its like I'm telling an anecdote at a bar... how about this?
"So it was 19 years ago, pretty much to the day, and my Mum and Dad went to the hospital so that she could have one of the biggest X-Rays ever. If there was like, a chart of X-Rays and the strengths they are, this would be at the top. Or maybe the bottom, depending on how they were sorted. Could be in the middle if its alphabetised. So they both go on in, and she has the X-Ray, that big one, and they get the results back soon enough, and they get called into this room thing. I don't really know, I wasn't there at the time. Well actually I was. This is from memory. So yeah I'm a foetus. Anyway, they asked them both 'were you expecting some awesome kind of baby called future jamie?' and they were all like 'nah blud' and the Doctors were like 'truth dawg'. And then there was this silence. 'What do we do?' Abortion was their only answer 'Fuck that we ain't getting sued for this shit' I remember the Doctors being so helpful. But basically, if I wasn't disabled or some shit, I'd be dead from childhood leukemia before I was 10. I don't blame them, I'm just glad they were arrogant enough for my parents to ignor what they had to say. Sure I was an accident, but I'm glad I lived to tell the tale. And that is my tale.
With the scars to prove it."
Great now I can't get out of blockquote. Well thats it, one day my foetus might tell you part 2, which may be linked to part one! Not even I know for sure!
20 February 2009
I've been up here all night thinking about this, thinking about my destiny.
I stayed up last night. Just thinking. Trying to fix this, trying to win back some mental normality on this situation I've found myself in.
I know everyone has problems, and I'm not usually one to moan, because I equally know that a lot of the time, problems aren't really problems at all, they're just teenage hormones making something out of nothing, making people think 'I'm the only one, no one has it as bad as me'. I know I could never be like that, but nevertheless, this is a problem. This is one of those problems which is a problem. Please forgive me if I moan.
So I thought, last night. It lead to me being very... not ok. I'm never not ok. In fact, look at me, I can barely even bring myself to say how I was feeling, let alone talk about why. But anyway, suffice to say that it was unsettling, so I stayed up until I sorted myself out, because I'm better than that.
I kind of stopped when I imagined what it'd be like in hindsight, looking back from when this is all over and then I suddenly realised that maybe I should listen to all the advice I given to other people. So I did.
And for your information I am a fucking genius.
Even if I did get myself into this mess in the first place. I shall reap what I have sown.
I will be forever haunted by myself, telling me to man it the fuck out.
p.s. I want to tell you everything.
I know everyone has problems, and I'm not usually one to moan, because I equally know that a lot of the time, problems aren't really problems at all, they're just teenage hormones making something out of nothing, making people think 'I'm the only one, no one has it as bad as me'. I know I could never be like that, but nevertheless, this is a problem. This is one of those problems which is a problem. Please forgive me if I moan.
So I thought, last night. It lead to me being very... not ok. I'm never not ok. In fact, look at me, I can barely even bring myself to say how I was feeling, let alone talk about why. But anyway, suffice to say that it was unsettling, so I stayed up until I sorted myself out, because I'm better than that.
I kind of stopped when I imagined what it'd be like in hindsight, looking back from when this is all over and then I suddenly realised that maybe I should listen to all the advice I given to other people. So I did.
And for your information I am a fucking genius.
Even if I did get myself into this mess in the first place. I shall reap what I have sown.
I will be forever haunted by myself, telling me to man it the fuck out.
p.s. I want to tell you everything.
Smalltalk is a fickle bitch
Dear pedestrians,
I want to just talk and talk and talk, but it'd be weird, and there aren't many people who actually want to hear anything other than 'yeah I'm good thanks', and only ask to look like they care, to try and make some sort of conversation in an otherwise dry rendezvous. What if its a lie? What if you're not good? If you say something like 'been better' or 'no', they maybe ask why, and maybe the thought 'what an emo' pops into their head. Then you'd have to tell them, but what if its something you don't think they should hear? What if you know how devistating it might be if they hear. Or... are you just being big-headed? 'aw its nothing really!' Saved - you got off lightly, and the worst they think of you is that you're a little depressed or moany. I guess I've never been a fan of smalltalk, but I've stayed loyal to it all these years. Why? Because its easy. People don't like difficult, people are lazy by default. So society gets what society made - a homogenous, dull, unified average. Just because its easier. I guess I've always been one for smalltalk and bottling it up, but I have good reasons, and they're not just laziness! One day you will all find out, hopefully not in the worst way. I will discuss this in another blog, but I'd love to stay fairly ambiguous.
I think too much, but can you blame me?
I want to just talk and talk and talk, but it'd be weird, and there aren't many people who actually want to hear anything other than 'yeah I'm good thanks', and only ask to look like they care, to try and make some sort of conversation in an otherwise dry rendezvous. What if its a lie? What if you're not good? If you say something like 'been better' or 'no', they maybe ask why, and maybe the thought 'what an emo' pops into their head. Then you'd have to tell them, but what if its something you don't think they should hear? What if you know how devistating it might be if they hear. Or... are you just being big-headed? 'aw its nothing really!' Saved - you got off lightly, and the worst they think of you is that you're a little depressed or moany. I guess I've never been a fan of smalltalk, but I've stayed loyal to it all these years. Why? Because its easy. People don't like difficult, people are lazy by default. So society gets what society made - a homogenous, dull, unified average. Just because its easier. I guess I've always been one for smalltalk and bottling it up, but I have good reasons, and they're not just laziness! One day you will all find out, hopefully not in the worst way. I will discuss this in another blog, but I'd love to stay fairly ambiguous.
I think too much, but can you blame me?
19 February 2009
Je suis un monstre
What have I become.
I don't care about anything.
Sympathy, no.
Empathy, definatly not.
This is of my own doing.
I don't care about anything.
Sympathy, no.
Empathy, definatly not.
This is of my own doing.
14 February 2009
11 February 2009
10 February 2009
Blogo
Dear Internet,
I made a new blog logo, and I am coining the phrase 'Blogo' to describe them. My blog has changed a lot lately, probably to do with me changing too, although I'm not sure if its bad or good.
Whatever.
I finally decided on a production name, just a bit of fun really but 'Alphabet Success!' isn't taken and it has a fairly nice ring to it.
To be honest Internet, I don't know what I blog about, ever. I just feel the need to blog and then improvise. I feel like a typical teenager typing everything wrong, wrong grammer, using ellipses in all the wrong places... with the title being 'FRIST BLOg!!111', and with content something like 'errm... im bord i duno wot 2 rite... blogs r stupod... x'.
Don't get me wrong, I love ellipses as much as the next guy, and I get bored quite often! But be reasonable!
Anyway I lost my point. No wait, there wasn't one.
It'd be nice to do something, like a few new comics, get back into it after so long. I need to sketch up the first page of Happy Deathday for me and teh new artist to work on, I'd also like to start Totally Socrates! again, because although it sucks a lot, it was fun to do, and helped me to not keep the crazy bottled up. I need to get work out the way first - got a 10 minute FMP presentation to write, and.. 1 page to colour for this week, I might ask for some pages early so I can go to a week long man-off with one of my friends and a bunch of other people. Men. Avid Powerthirst-drinkers.
*Tea interval*
I should be getting up supa early to be working on my super secret project which no one knows about but its the only actual realistic one be likely to do anything for me. I will try and change my entire sleep pattern, in fact I'd like to try the XKCD method of adding an hour each day, taking it from the next just for teh lulz. I'd try and find the comic but I'll be honest and say that I don't want to.
Jogging would be good for me, I might do it. Also I'd like to film more stuff, I guess. I'd like to get into writing a bit more too, I used to write shit loads essays about theories and whatnot, back when I was clever and al that. Interesting stuff really, even if it is me saying it. I hated having such a busy mind it back then, but now I kind of miss it, I wonder why it went away and when it will come back?
Hmm I just had an hour and a half conversation with my mum about work and university, thats a long time for a conversation, but it was nice to be a little bit opinionated and stuff. Good. I think I made the right choice in what I did, in going into work to see whats what before (if I ever) I go to uni, just because of the field I'm going into really, its rather changable. I know theres some kind of economic fuckover, but hey it'll be even more impressive when I do shit when its all happening won't it. Yeah it will!
It'd be really nice to have some things by the end of the year I can just say 'I did that', not only for a portfolio, but for myself. There are the obvious things which will hopefully amount to something, albeit something small, but something, and I have my own personal targets too. Its nice, gotta have something to look forward to, to work towards.
I'd actually love to keep blogging, I've just got into it now. I didn't think it'd go anywhere, but then it did so maybe I'll continue this conversation another time!
I'll give you a clichéd 'congrats for getting this far!' and a rushed goodbye.
Warmest Regards,
Jamie Smith, from the internet
I made a new blog logo, and I am coining the phrase 'Blogo' to describe them. My blog has changed a lot lately, probably to do with me changing too, although I'm not sure if its bad or good.
Whatever.
I finally decided on a production name, just a bit of fun really but 'Alphabet Success!' isn't taken and it has a fairly nice ring to it.
To be honest Internet, I don't know what I blog about, ever. I just feel the need to blog and then improvise. I feel like a typical teenager typing everything wrong, wrong grammer, using ellipses in all the wrong places... with the title being 'FRIST BLOg!!111', and with content something like 'errm... im bord i duno wot 2 rite... blogs r stupod... x'.
Don't get me wrong, I love ellipses as much as the next guy, and I get bored quite often! But be reasonable!
Anyway I lost my point. No wait, there wasn't one.
It'd be nice to do something, like a few new comics, get back into it after so long. I need to sketch up the first page of Happy Deathday for me and teh new artist to work on, I'd also like to start Totally Socrates! again, because although it sucks a lot, it was fun to do, and helped me to not keep the crazy bottled up. I need to get work out the way first - got a 10 minute FMP presentation to write, and.. 1 page to colour for this week, I might ask for some pages early so I can go to a week long man-off with one of my friends and a bunch of other people. Men. Avid Powerthirst-drinkers.
*Tea interval*
I should be getting up supa early to be working on my super secret project which no one knows about but its the only actual realistic one be likely to do anything for me. I will try and change my entire sleep pattern, in fact I'd like to try the XKCD method of adding an hour each day, taking it from the next just for teh lulz. I'd try and find the comic but I'll be honest and say that I don't want to.
Jogging would be good for me, I might do it. Also I'd like to film more stuff, I guess. I'd like to get into writing a bit more too, I used to write shit loads essays about theories and whatnot, back when I was clever and al that. Interesting stuff really, even if it is me saying it. I hated having such a busy mind it back then, but now I kind of miss it, I wonder why it went away and when it will come back?
Hmm I just had an hour and a half conversation with my mum about work and university, thats a long time for a conversation, but it was nice to be a little bit opinionated and stuff. Good. I think I made the right choice in what I did, in going into work to see whats what before (if I ever) I go to uni, just because of the field I'm going into really, its rather changable. I know theres some kind of economic fuckover, but hey it'll be even more impressive when I do shit when its all happening won't it. Yeah it will!
It'd be really nice to have some things by the end of the year I can just say 'I did that', not only for a portfolio, but for myself. There are the obvious things which will hopefully amount to something, albeit something small, but something, and I have my own personal targets too. Its nice, gotta have something to look forward to, to work towards.
I'd actually love to keep blogging, I've just got into it now. I didn't think it'd go anywhere, but then it did so maybe I'll continue this conversation another time!
I'll give you a clichéd 'congrats for getting this far!' and a rushed goodbye.
Warmest Regards,
Jamie Smith, from the internet
09 February 2009
All brewed up and nowhere to go
I have absolutely no tact. If you're mildly afraid of viewpoints then, I'd suggest never to be exposed to the outside world! Or never to read this. It might be sensitive. I'm not sure, because again I have no tact.
I was just thinking, if I died now (or soon) what would happen? I haven't written a will or anything. Who would get all this..?
Maybe I should make this blog a bit more meaningful if it is my only real legacy.
**it should probably be noted that Totally Socrates! isn't exactly the dearest thing to my name.**
maybe second favourite ;)
I was just thinking, if I died now (or soon) what would happen? I haven't written a will or anything. Who would get all this..?
AWKWARDLY LARGE.
Maybe I should write one. I mean its not like death can't happen, especially to me. And I have a few things to my name, a few things in the works, who would I leave all that shit to? Or would it just disappear into the ether with me? Sure its just ideas and thoughts and a load of pointless stuff that isn't worth more than maybe 10 grand, but its... its me... and I'd hate to think that all this had been a waste, only to culminate in some people going to my funeral and then mourning me for a bit. Come on, thats not even very useful to anyone. I wouldn't really like to be remembered for anything in particular, it'd just be nice to be remembered; continued; to have things picked up where I left off. I know I'm not the most interesting or talented person, and I know I haven't made as much of a lasting impression to anyone as some people may expect, but it just feels like I haven't done anything yet, and it'd be a shame for everything to just stop, just because I did, especially just before it even starts.Maybe I should make this blog a bit more meaningful if it is my only real legacy.
Would it be cool with everyone if I haunted them?
**it should probably be noted that Totally Socrates! isn't exactly the dearest thing to my name.**
maybe second favourite ;)
08 February 2009
07 February 2009
I've got a slice of the internet and I'm not sure where to go.
I apologise.
For everything.
Just in case.
For everything.
Just in case.
06 February 2009
01 February 2009
Alphabet Success!
Nothing new has really happened lately, but I feel the need to blog on a near continuous basis just to increase the chances I say something thats interesting, or worthwhile.
Going on holiday (sorry not holiday, 'educational break') to Prague tomorrow for a few days, so that should be fun. Early early early start may not be so fun, but I'm kind of used to them these days, and I guess I do love that '4 am holiday' feeling.
I'm so bored.
I'm so boring.
I should pack.
Going on holiday (sorry not holiday, 'educational break') to Prague tomorrow for a few days, so that should be fun. Early early early start may not be so fun, but I'm kind of used to them these days, and I guess I do love that '4 am holiday' feeling.
I'm so bored.
I'm so boring.
I should pack.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
